Though the term hints at a lack of depth, there’s no shortage of deep, lasting pleasure to be found with shallowing. And while the penetration technique implies something entering the vagina (if ever so slightly), that something could be anything you might otherwise use for sexual penetration—not just the tip of the penis of a sex partner, but also, a finger, tongue, or toy, says sex educator Cindy Luquin, MA, CSE, founder of sexual-health education platform Pleasure to People.

Because shallowing with a toy would require keeping the toy positioned just inside the vagina, that might be difficult with a typical wand—which is why Playboy Pleasure recently released a toy with a shorter tip designed to make shallowing while solo that much easier: the Ring My Bell vibrator ($80). Below, you’ll find expert intel on all things shallowing, plus advice for trying it out yourself, including my first-hand review of the Ring My Bell. (Spoiler alert: It rang all of mine.)

What, exactly, is shallowing when it comes to penetration?

“Shallowing is penetrative touch right at the entrance of the vagina,” says Luquin. “It’s not external, but it’s not going deep inside, either,” she clarifies.

The benefit of keeping penetration just inside the vagina has to do with the anatomy of the vaginal entrance—which allows for some out-of-this-world sensations.

“Shallowing is when you play with the nerve endings [at the vaginal entrance] to find the depth at which you most enjoy the penetration.” —Marla Renee Stewart, sexologist

“The entrance to the vagina is one of the most sensitive spots on the body,” says sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, sexpert for sexual-wellness brand and retailer Lovers. “Shallowing is when you play with those nerve endings [at the vaginal entrance] to find the depth at which you most enjoy the penetration,” she adds. “This can aid in helping you feel pleasure and get acclimated with your genitals.”

Who would benefit from the penetration technique of shallowing?

According to sexuality and relationship therapist Chanta Blue, LCSW, there are two major groups of people who might enjoy experimenting with shallowing: “vulva owners and those who enjoy pleasing [people who have] vulvas,” she says.

And, per Luquin, if you fall in the former group, you can seriously increase your pleasure by shallowing. “A 2021 study [with almost 3,000 participants] found that women who used shallowing during foreplay found deeper penetrative sex more stimulating and had 25-percent stronger orgasms,” Luquin says.

What to know about shallowing before trying it

“Folks should know that shallowing is staying pretty shallow in the vagina,” says Stewart, adding that you don’t want to go more than one inch inside the vagina to get the maximum return from this penetration technique.

When initially trying shallowing, Stewart says it’s important to give yourself the license to explore for as long as you might need or want. “I don’t recommend rushing while you are shallowing, as the technique [when done slowly] can be a great way to get more in touch with your nerve endings and how they pertain to your pleasure in your body,” she says.

Blue echoes that sentiment, noting that this is a great technique to build arousal. (Read: It’s not a quick hitter; it’s a slow burn.) “The anticipation that comes along with this method can increase excitement for both the vulva owner and the partner if used during partnered play,” says Blue. “It’s also great to use when deeper penetration isn’t pleasurable, comfortable, or possible.”

How to try shallowing, according to sexologists

As is the case with most sex acts and techniques—like, for instance, BDSM or anal fingering or temperature play—when it comes to starting a shallowing practice, it’s a good idea to move slowly, at least initially. After all, you can always do more, but you can’t take back what you’ve already done.

Another key tip: Make sure the vaginal area is wet enough (before you begin) to make shallowing pleasurable. “Whenever penetrating the genitals, it’s important to first ensure there is enough lubrication to reduce friction and avoid irritation,” says Blue. “Then, you can place the toy, finger, lips, penis tip, or tongue just at the opening of the vagina, taking care not to penetrate deeper into the canal.”

For the record, Stewart suggests a hands-on approach. “I would recommend starting off with some vulva and vaginal exploration with your hands,” she says. “Start in small circles with the pads of your fingers, and use those pads to explore the [entrance], experimenting with the angles, pressure, and depth of what you like.” Reserving all your stimulation to the entrance of the vagina can then build up arousal and pleasure over time.

My experience with the Playboy Pleasure Ring My Bell vibrator designed for shallowing

As a sensory person, I like things that look, sound, smell, taste, and feel nice. Ring My Bell is a lot of those things. From the packaging to the toy itself and its various pleasure settings, it checks a lot of my boxes. The medical-grade silicone is almost slippery (in a good way), and the toy has a built-in feature to focus on the clitoris. Let’s just say I really enjoyed that. Plus, at just four inches long and one inch wide, it makes a great travel buddy.

Playboy Pleasure Ring My Bell — $80.00

To date, I own and have tried more than 30 sex toys. This one, however, is the first one that was specifically designed with shallowing in mind. For me, Ring My Bell provides just the right amount of penetration.

Insertable length: 1 inch

Material: Body-safe silicone

Settings: 10 speeds and functions, 10 pulsing rhythms, two buttons

Power source: Rechargeable

Available colors: Black

Waterproof: Yes

Pros:

• Chic, iridescent packaging
• Ergonomic and stylish design
• Just the right amount of penetration

Cons:

• Magnetic charging can be tricky to keep connected
• Not compatible with oil-based lubes

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While I’ve enjoyed vibrators of all shapes, sizes, and power types, as a kid (lady???) born in the ‘90s, my power source of choice will always be a plug-in adapter; there’s just something reassuring about it. Ring My Bell, however, uses newer technology: a magnetic rechargeable USB.

Plenty of modern sex toys charge this way, but I often find it hard to balance the toy well enough to ensure a charge. However, the magnet on the Ring My Bell is pretty strong, so even that isn’t really an issue. Which is all to say, if you’re looking to deep-dive into shallowing, this is totally the toy for you.

“This time, my soul left me, and god himself said, ‘Child, it is not your time,'” writes a reviewer of her orgasm. “Mind you, I’m agnostic.”

Tracy's Dog, OG Clitoral Suction Vibrator — $50.00

Originally $60, now $50 

This “soul-snatching” toy is currently 17 percent off ahead of Amazon Prime Day.

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Another woman who claims to have died, been resurrected, and then died again was hit so hard by her orgasm she practically saw stars. “Trust me,” she writes. “Best believe you will never see me frown ever again. My life has completely changed. Have a blessed day.”

“It literally felt like a demon was coming out of me,” writes yet another satisfied owner of a Tracy’s Dog vibrator. “My orgasm was AT LEAST 30 seconds longer than usual and my skin is clear, my eyesight is cured and my anxiety has dissipated.” (The orgasm glow is real, by the way.)

So, it’s damn good is my read. Also, back it up—clitoral sucking vibrator?

Okay, I’m like, super vanilla when it comes to sex toys. I get a buzzy little bullet in an industry party gift bag every three years, and that’s, like, enough. So the bells and whistles on this hands-free vibe sound intense. Women across the board report that getting intimate with the toy can result in the elusive squirting orgasm, and even more of them say that that’s “NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE” (bolded, italicized, underlined twice).

And caution is definitely advised when you learn your way around the bend. Start slow or you it sounds like you’re in for some Exorcist-style levitation above your bed. Radical.

Intrigued and intimidated by all the raves, consider this another small win for Ladies Doing It For Themselves. As we fight the good fight for female pleasure, it’s important to share with passion, vigor, and 0 percent shame what can bring us closer to the little death. As far as I can tell, the Tracy’s Dog Vibrator slays. And in case you fear emptying your wallet, hearsay is it’s worthy of the price tag (although it it’s on sale now for 17 percent off.)

“It’s worth hundreds,” writes an infatuated reviewer. “Heck, it’s worth a second mortgage on my house. And for the love of banana pancakes, ladies heed the warnings of the brave pioneers who came before you… stretch like your life depends on it before embarking on this mission. Icy Hot and Motrin for those that don’t listen.”

If, for whatever reason, the OG soul-snatcher isn’t powerful enough for you, there’s also the Tracy’s Dog OG Pro 2 (originally $70, now $60) that’s 10 percent off ahead of Prime Day. The difference? There’s stronger suction and a remote control, so you can literally give your life over to the higher powers—whoever they may be. Godspeed.

Tracy's Dog, OG Pro 2 — $60.00

Originally $70, now $60 

Save 10 percent ahead of Prime Day.

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Broadly speaking, an anal suppository is a medicinal bullet-sized solid designed to melt into a liquid once you insert it into the anal canal, where it’s warmed by the body. While you might be familiar with laxative suppositories for chronic constipation or moisturizing ones for treating anal fissures, anal sex suppositories like the Booty Melts are made with ingredients that support comfort during penetrative anal play—which should never be painful (more on that below). And the insertion process allows those ingredients to reach deeper internal tissues than you could access with a lube or arousal oil alone.

Foria Booty Melts — $34.00

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As the author of many articles about anal and a proud advocate of pleasurable anal sex, I just had to get my hands (er, hiney) on Foria’s Booty Melts as soon as I heard about them. And now that I have, I think everybody with a body (read: butthole) who engages in any form of anal should bestow their bum with the joys of an anal sex suppository.

Below, learn more about the purpose of anal sex suppositories like Foria’s new Booty Melts and my experience trying out the melts myself.

What to know about Foria Booty Melts for anal sex

Foria’s Booty Melts are cocoa-butter-based anal sex suppositories that are infused with just two additional ingredients: hemp and jojoba oil. Cocoa butter has a low melting point, which means it will melt inside your anal canal quickly, enabling it to deliver the benefits of both active ingredients just as fast.

The hemp is the primary medicinal component, as it contains 150 mg of cannabidiol (CBD) and cannabigerol (CBG), which are both non-psychoactive hemp compounds. “The CBD and CBG are there to help relax the anal sphincter muscles and promote ease of entry—which are two of the main ingredients of pleasurable sex,” says somatic sex educator Kiana Reeves, chief content officer at Foria.

“The CBD and CBG are there to help relax the anal sphincter muscles and promote ease of entry—which are two of the main ingredients of pleasurable sex.” —Kiana Reeves, chief content officer, Foria

Indeed, CBD is a common ingredient in both anal and vaginal suppositories designed to reduce pain or increase pleasure during penetrative sex because it’s a vasodilator, analgesic, and anti-inflammatory agent. As pelvic floor physical therapist Heather Jeffcoat, DPT, previously told Well+Good, this means that when CBD is introduced to the body’s most absorbent tissues by way of a suppository, it can promote blood flow, ease pain, and reduce inflammation.

Additionally, the organic jojoba oil in the Booty Melts helps “hydrate and soften the skin in and around the anus, which allows for easier, more pleasurable insertion,” says Reeves. Plus, it reduces the risk of micro-tears during anal sex, she adds. Just as the skin on your hands is less likely to crack and bleed when it’s hydrated, so is the lining of the anal canal.

How to have pain-free anal sex with an anal suppository

While anal suppositories like Foria’s Booty Melts are made to soften the anal sphincter muscles and hydrate the surrounding skin for more comfortable penetration, they’re not meant to serve as a replacement for the two core practices of good anal sex, namely: Keep it slick, and move slowly.

As for the first? Unlike the vaginal canal, which can self-lubricate, the anal canal cannot, says Reeves. In order to achieve the slide-and-glide that makes anal penetration pleasurable, you need to add in a store-bought anal lube—and continue to reapply it throughout play, she says. Otherwise, the friction of dry skin on skin or silicone on skin can cause micro-tears in the delicate tissues of the anal canal, which increase your risk for post-play pain, infection, and hemorrhoids.

When it comes to the second tenet of good anal sex, it’s equally important to be patient with penetration. Just as you have to train the other muscles in your body in order to get them to do what you want them to do, you have to train your anal muscles, too—which takes time.

“The entrance of the anal opening has two sphincters, layered on top of each other,” says Reeves. While the outer sphincter is under your conscious control and can be opened and closed at will, the inner sphincter has to be ‘taught’ or trained to relax through anal dilation, anal massage, foreplay, and intentional breathing. “That inner sphincter is governed by the autonomic nervous system, and in order for it to open and be fully receptive to penetration, you have to feel safe and relaxed,” adds Reeves.

All of the above is essential to keeping anal pain-free (aka how it should always be). Anal sex suppositories are designed to be used in conjunction with these other practices in your anal toolkit to make anal penetration even more enjoyable, says Reeves.

My experience with Foria Booty Melts

As much as I love to help other people have anal sex, receptive anal play doesn’t usually make an appearance in my solo or partnered sex life—mostly because I’m a busy girl, and my butt does not respond well to knowing it’s on a schedule. But as luck would have it, the day Foria’s Booty Melts were delivered was a day I had nothing on my to-do list but myself. (Yes, I schedule masturbation into my Google calendar.)

In my excitement, I opened the package, washed my hands, and immediately plopped one in. No thicker than a Bic pen, these melts are accessible even to people who have never had so much as a pinky in their stinky (sorry). And while the melt holds its shape in the temperature-protective packaging, as soon as you take it out and hold it between your fingers, it becomes malleable. (If you still feel on edge about insertion, you can coat the bullet with some anal-specific lubricant, like Cake Cush Tush).

While the melt holds its shape in the temperature-protective packaging, as soon as you take it out and hold it between your fingers, it becomes malleable.

According to Reeves, the Foria Booty Melts work best if you insert them 15 to 20 minutes ahead of anal play, “so they have time to melt and absorb locally into your body.” While my melt, well, melted, I took out my favorite hands-free grinding vibrator (for some fun in the front door), and by the time I reached orgasm, I could tell that the hemp from the melt had also absorbed into the muscles in my hiney, and they were relaxed and chillin’.

I took out an anal-safe stainless steel wand, lathered it and my entrance with lubricant, then got into a missionary with my legs lifted—and wow, did I enjoy myself. Personally, I find it easiest to have an orgasm (including an anal orgasm) when lying on my back. If you’re new(er) to anal play, however, Reeves suggests experimenting with different positions. “Some popular positions for anal play include lying on your side, doggy style, or using pillows for support,” she says. “Find what feels most comfortable and pleasurable for you.”

As a sexperimenter who has had the pleasure (truly, pleasure!) of using a variety of CBD-infused sexual wellness products, I wasn’t surprised that the Booty Melts turned me into a puddle of delight when all was said and cum. But I was worried that my bum was going to feel goopy the rest of the day. Thankfully, however, while a little clean-up was required, I did not feel like I was dripping like an ice cream cone in the sun as I went about my day.

Admittedly, Foria’s Booty Melts are a little on the pricey side (given that a package of four is $34, each bullet is $8.50), so I can’t afford to use one every time I have anal. But I will reach for them anytime I or one of my partner’s is sizing up toys and looking to spice things up. And I’d recommend these to anyone who’s looking for some extra support when it comes to dabbling in derriere play.

But there’s another rule we should be following in the bedroom to prevent UTIs—use lots of lube, particularly if you’re prone to the painful, burning infections. “If the vagina is dry during intercourse, the friction can cause micro-trauma and may actually increase the chance of bacteria getting into the urethra and causing an infection,” says Jill Purdie, MD, OB/GYN, a gynecologist and medical director for Pediatrix Medical Group in Atlanta.

That’s where the best lubes for people prone to UTIs come in. Dr. Purdie says lubing up can help, ahem, things glide more easily, especially during penetrative sex, which in turn, prevents bacteria from getting where it shouldn’t. Ahead, find Dr. Purdie’s tips for choosing a lube that works best for you, plus some of her favorites to keep in your nightstand.

How to choose the best lubes for people prone to UTIs

When it comes to choosing the type of lube, Dr. Purdie says to opt for silicone-based or water-based lubricants. “Silicone-based lubricants are generally longer lasting, do not damage normal vaginal bacteria, or cause any micro-trauma to the vagina,” she explains.

Since the pH of water-based lubricants are similar to the vaginal pH, they make great options, too, and don’t run the risk of infection. Just note, water-based lubricants may not grease the vagina as long as other lubes, so some people may prefer silicone-based lube for its longer-lasting properties.

Keep an eye on the other ingredients, too. Some lubricants contain ingredients that disrupt or damage the natural vaginal flora or pH levels, which can increase the risk of infection. One ingredient that Dr. Purdie recommends avoiding is chlorhexidine gluconate “as one study showed it killed off all the good vaginal bacteria.” Additionally, steer clear of lubricants that label themselves as warming, as those can “actually dry out the vagina, which can increase friction,” adds Dr. Purdie.

Silicone-based lubricants

Überlube, Silicone Lubricant — $20.00

Originally $36, now $20

Dr Purdie love’s Überlube’s Silicone Lubricant for its long-lasting texture and sensitive-skin friendly formula. Unscented, flavorless, and free of parabens, this lube is less likely to irritate UTI-prone people and won’t disrupt natural pH levels. What’s more, it’s not sticky, won’t stain, and is infused with vitamin E to leave your parts more hydrated during sexy time.

Head to Amazon and you’ll find five-star review after five-star review, totaling nearly 28,000 reviews. One reviewer said: “We won’t use anything else! No sticky fingers or body parts, no smell, no taste, not greasy, and never stains! It’s super effective at enhancing pleasure!” Yes, please.

Pros:

• Silicone-based
• Infused with vitamin E
• Free of parabens, scents, and flavors

Cons:

• Expensive

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Adam & Eve, Personal Silicone Lubricant — $21.00

This best-selling lube by Adam & Eve is a popular choice for its slippery, dolphin-smooth texture that feels amazing on skin and is so easy to clean up. Its glide-y feel is so silky, it can even be used underwater, so if you’re getting hot in the hot tub or steaming up the shower, you won’t have to worry about it rinsing away. Shoppers love it for masturbation, partnered sex, and especially anal sex; one names it their “go-to lube” for “backyard sex.” Another writes, “it feels so silky smooth. We have found that it is amazing for sex, whether she is getting a little dry or if we are doing anal.”

If you’re using toys, keep it to glass, steel, or rubber as the oil can degrade silicone over time.

Pros:

• Great value
• Long-lasting
• Not sticky or hard to clean up
• Slippery even under water

Cons: 

• Can’t be used with silicone toys

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The Honey Pot Company, Silicone Hybrid Lubricant — $16.00

The Honey Pot Company was founded by someone who battled bacterial vaginosis (another uncomfortable bacterial infection) for eight months and was tired of the suspect feminine care products available to consumers. The business now makes lubes, washes, menstrual products, and more, powered by plants.

Enter, this silky soft hybrid lube that features a silicone-water base, so you get the best of both worlds. It’s formulated for extra slip, minus anything that might irritate your vagina.

Pros:

• Silicone- and water-based
• Affordable
• Long-lasting
• Condom-compatible

Cons:

• Can’t be used with silicone toys

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Maude, Shine Silicone-Based Lubricant — $23.00

Maude gets the vibes right with this Shine Organic Lube, which is as gentle as they come. This silicone-based lubricant stays moist all night long and is totally hypoallergenic in the sense that it has no fragrance, parabens, dyes, or nasty chemicals that might cause discomfort.  Not to mention, the formulation is non-sticky and glides on effortlessly. In addition to being friendly to the vaginal flora, Shine Silicone can be used underwater and with condoms (woohoo). Just be careful with your silicone toys—as with any silicone-based lubes, the oils can break down vibrators and dildos over time.

Pros:

• Silicone-based
• Can be used underwater and with condoms
• Free from chemicals, fragrance, and parabens

Cons:

• Expensive
• Can’t be used with silicone toys

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Water-based lubricants

Sliquid, H20 Water-Based Lube — $18.00

Originally $26, now $18

If you’re looking to get wet n’ wild with a water-based lube, Dr. Purdie recommends Sliquid’s H20. This slippery lubricant not only enhances your pleasure points but is free of likely irritants like gluten, glycerin, glycol, and parabens. And since it’s a water-based lube, it’s safe to use on latex, rubber, plastic, and silicone toys. *Adds to cart.*

Pros: 

• Water-based
• Free of gluten, glycerin, glycol, and parabens
• Safe to use on condoms and silicone toys

Cons: 

• Not as long-lasting as silicone
• Expensive when not on sale

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Slippery Stuff, 4-Ounce Gel — $8.00

Another great option for slippery stuff is, well, this lube from Slippery Stuff. This gel doesn’t leave a sticky residue and is free of odors, which helps UTIs at bay. Don’t believe us? One reviewer called it the “best lube ever” and said it’s, “the only one that doesn’t increase my chances of a UTI! It’s awesome.” Noted.

Pros:

• Water-based
• Affordable
• Doesn’t leave a sticky residue

Cons:

• May not be as long-lasting

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Good Clean Love, All Natural Personal Lubricant — $21.00

Good Clean Love is beloved by many gynecologists for its organic formulas. This one includes organic aloe, which may help to reduce inflammation. It’s free of petrochemicals, parabens, and glycerin to prevent a disruption to your vaginal flora while offering hydrating and moisturizing benefits and without damaging condoms or toys. One reviewer notes, “other lubes turn into a sticky mess. This stuff doesn’t. It feels way more natural and is easier to clean up. Also, it has a very nice smell… kind of reminds me of whipped cream for some reason.” A little dab of this will go a long way. Pleasure island, here we come (pun intended).

Pros:

• Water-based
• Has aloe
• Free of petrochemicals, parabens, and glycerin

Cons 

• Expensive

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Sliquid, H20 Water-Based Lube — $18.00

Pros 

• Water-based
• Free of gluten, glycerin, glycol, and parabens
• Safe to use on latex, rubber, plastic, and silicone

Cons 

• Expensive

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I’m a gender and sex therapist with over 10 years of experience, and I’m also a non-binary person. I’ve seen sexual pleasure for trans and non-binary folks function as a beacon of profound gender euphoria, connection, and spiritual recharging. Even so, it’s tough to imagine the experience of sexual pleasure when you’ve never experienced it, don’t see people like you or relationships like yours depicted in media, are dealing with negative societal messages about your body and identity, and are managing life in a country that doesn’t celebrate or support who you are. And for many trans and non-binary people, that’s exactly the case.

On this episode of The Well+Good Podcast, McDaniel discusses their new book, Gender Magic, which serves as a guide for trans and non-binary folks to live shamelessly, reclaim joy, and step into their most authentic selves.

Many trans folks experience varying degrees of gender dysphoria, which describes a distressing disconnect between sex assigned at birth and gender identity. The specifics on how gender dysphoria shows up is unique for each person, but some ways it can present in sexual situations is feeling disconnected from or numb to body sensations, not wanting certain body parts to be touched in particular ways, getting stuck in your head about how a partner is perceiving you, or feeling conflicted about desiring specific sexual roles or acts because you fear it will somehow make you less valid in your gender identity.

Compounding the issue of gender dysphoria complicating pleasure for many trans and non-binary people is the generally lacking and narrow scope of sex education that most people receive, which focuses purely on cisgender and straight identities. This renders a popularized understanding of sex that’s restrictive, gendered, and binary.

The good news is that upon becoming aware of the barriers in the way of accessing pleasure and tools that can help you overcome those barriers, finding pleasure becomes accessible to everyone. If you’re struggling to find pleasure in your body right now, know that you are entirely normal, and there are tools that can help you change that reality.

5 tips for accessing pleasure in your body, even if gender dysphoria is a barrier

1. Have respect for your body

A helpful mindset shift is to let go of the need to love your body all the time in order to feel pleasure in it. Loving your body as a foundation for pleasure is a high standard that can be difficult if not impossible to meet when dealing with gender dysphoria.

Instead of body love, I prefer body respect, which means that, even if you don’t love every part of your body every second, you can still show it kindness and allow yourself to experience pleasure.

That’s why instead of body love, I prefer the concept of body respect. Body respect means that, even if you don’t love every part of your body every second, you can still show it kindness and allow yourself to experience pleasure. Body respect is more about action than attitude. It’s consciously choosing to be gentle with yourself, believing you deserve pleasure, and taking action toward things you know bring you pleasure or encourage curiosity.

3. Don’t gender it

Your biggest sex organ isn’t your brain; it’s your skin. And skin isn’t gendered. For many transgender and non-binary folks, navigating where and how we want to be touched can be challenging. Certain body parts carry with them gendered associations—like chests, hips, and our reproductive organs.

However, reframing all parts of our bodies as just skin that has the possibility of giving way to yummy sensations can remove the gendered pressure. Thinking of your body as just skin also frees you to play with new ways of touching, naming, and experiencing body parts about which you might have conflicting feelings.

4. Gender it

I know I said not to gender it, but stick with me. It can be a blast to gender the hell out of bodies during a sexual or erotic experience—but with a catch. You get to gender your body (and ask a partner to do the same) in whatever way feels the most affirming to you. Use the words you like for your bits, use whatever names and pronouns you want, and ask for gendered dirty talk that makes the hairs on your neck stand up in delight. You get to play. You get to imagine and re-imagine. Have fun!

5. Queer it up

Sex education often presents sex as looking a certain way based on your gender and sexual role. How boring! Queering something means considering how society’s boxes aren’t serving you and might actually be limiting you. One way to queer up sexual pleasure is to decenter genitals and orgasm. When you focus on indulging in pleasurable sensations in your body instead of rushing toward a perceived finish line of orgasm, you remove the pressure from sex looking any particular way. As long as you (and consenting partner(s)) are having fun, the rest is just details.

6. Do it for the Revolution

The Black feminist poet Audre Lorde, a personal hero of mine, talks about pleasure and the erotic as resistance to oppression in her essay, Uses of the Erotic. Creating space for erotic pleasure in our lives, whatever that looks like to you, is about much more than personal fulfillment. When we tap into pleasure in our bodies, we are tapping into creative energy, connection, a feeling of being alive, and the deep “yes” of our intuition. This connection to both ourselves and others through pleasure reminds us of the world we want to create, how we want to feel, and makes us less likely to accept a life and a world where we don’t get to experience those things.

For more intel on living authentically as a trans or non-binary person, listen to McDaniel’s full conversation on The Well+Good Podcast here.

But if Jones had had a peer who was a sex expert—someone knowledgeable and informed about relevant sex topics—it would’ve made all the difference in her ability to make empowered choices about her health and pleasure, she says. Which is why she’s now launching a non-profit to facilitate that: The Youth Sexpert Program aims to arm high schoolers around the country with comprehensive, inclusive information about sex, plus resources for sharing it directly with peers.

“The idea here is that, not only will youth come to the program to learn for themselves, but also, they’ll be able to disseminate that information to their peers.” —Tara Michaela Jones, sex educator

“The idea here is that, not only will youth come to the program to learn for themselves, but also, they’ll be able to disseminate that information to their peers,” says Jones. And that’s a big deal given that so many high schoolers are left missing key information about sex or confused by the information they receive in lacking sex-ed classes.

Where sex education falls short—and how the Youth Sexpert Program aims to help

Because there are no federal laws mandating sex education in this country, the programs vary by state. While the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommends sex education programs be “consistent with scientific research and best practices; reflect the diversity of student experiences and identities; and align with school, family, and community priorities,” the reality is that these guidelines are interpreted in vastly different ways. According to the Guttmacher Institute, just 27 states and the District of Columbia require sex education to be taught in schools at all, only 17 require the content to be medically accurate, and 29 require that abstinence be stressed.

These different standards matter in terms of the information students receive. According to a study published last year in the Journal of Adolescent Health, “differences in the receipt of sex education, by gender, race/ethnicity, and the location of instruction, leave many adolescents without critical information.” And that information gap could grow even wider as certain state governments make legislative efforts to curtail sex education. Case in point: Florida governor Ron DeSantis recently passed a bill restricting any instruction on sexual orientation and gender identity through eighth grade.

As a result, says Jones, plenty of young people still resort to the internet or each other for answers to questions about sex, which leaves them ill-equipped and vulnerable. “It always felt very backward to me that the way we’re expected to learn about sex is just by having it or talking to the friends who are having it, but who are not really necessarily more resourced or knowledgable than we are,” she says. “There’s so much room for misinformation and harm when that’s the case.”

“It felt very backward to me that the way we’re expected to learn about sex is just by having it or talking to the friends who are having it.” —Jones

Indeed, Jones says she experienced several harmful moments in her own life that she “feels could have easily been prevented had I been better informed about sex.” Her new Youth Sexpert Program will both provide that information to interested high schoolers and equip them with the tools they need to educate their peers IRL and on social media.

Jones initially came up with the idea last November, when she said it “dawned on me that the person I could’ve used in high school is the person I am now for others.” She put out a call to fellow sex educators of different backgrounds—many of whom now make up the program’s advisory board—to help design an inclusive, thorough curriculum.

Applications for high schoolers who’d like to join the program (with parental permission) just launched at the beginning of June and will be open until August 31. For the first iteration, Jones says they’ll accept between ten and 15 students, who will meet for virtual workshops each week starting in September through the fall.

In honor of the program’s launch, Jones spoke with Well+Good about the personal experiences that inspired it, what she envisions for the youth sexperts who are selected, and why she thinks reimagining sex education is so important in our current political climate.

Well+Good: What was your experience with sex education in school?

Tara Michaela Jones: I was raised in Massachusetts, so it was more comprehensive than in many other states. I would categorize what I experienced as abstinence-plus because we did get information about birth control and sexually transmitted illnesses (STIs), but that was pretty much it. There was a little bit about reproductive systems, but there was very little on relevant things I was experiencing like consent, pleasure, slut shaming, and sexual coercion.

I remember getting my period for the first time before high school; my mom threw me a bunch of tampons, and I didn’t have a basic understanding of my own body or where my vagina was, let alone other people’s bodies. If I got the better end of the stick, it’s scary to imagine what’s happening for others.

When [sex education] is mostly just you being thrown into the deep end and left to your own devices, nobody knows anything, and you’re all just playing this guessing game. It leaves so much room for breaches of consent or pressure to do things you aren’t ready for. That was a huge driver for me to become a sex educator within my community.

W+G: What’s in the curriculum for the Youth Sexpert Program?

TMJ: We want the topics to be as inclusive and wide-ranging as possible, and to move from the personal to the interpersonal.

We’re thinking of splitting the curriculum into three categories: First, we want to talk about the sexual narratives that we hold for ourselves, self-pleasure, and purity culture; then, we’ll move to topics like consent and slut shaming; and in the third section, we’ll cover what sex really is and what it can be and look like for different people.

We want to talk about queer identities, intersexuality, and potentially kink, but that is an area we’re still thinking through. We walk a really fine line with kink, but I think that as certain sex acts [that could cause harm] become more mainstream, young people do need to know about them for their safety—like breath play, for example (which involves restricting oxygen to the brain for arousal purposes). The question is: What other areas are potentially posing risks that we can better educate around?

Overall, we’re thinking of our programming as a heavy supplement to what’s offered in school. The big dream would be to eventually put our curriculum out there as something that other educators can emulate and bring into schools.

W+G: Why is it important for young people to get this information from their peers?

TMJ: I’ve personally seen the way that somebody acting in a community role can create a safe space for people to ask vulnerable questions. I answer questions in my Instagram DMs, and I find that even people whom I know in real life but with whom I’m not really close [will submit questions]. There’s a lot of power in realizing that somebody will come to me instead of going to their best friend because they know I have more knowledge, and they know I’m a safe, trustworthy person to talk to. It makes you realize how many of these questions are not things an online search would answer.

The premise of the program is being able to build on the community support systems that are already in place because we know that young folks are talking to each other.

Having a space where students can have real conversations and work through nuance, and then bring that to their own schools and social media pages, is really important. The premise of the program is being able to build on the community support systems that are already in place because we know that young folks are talking to each other.

W+G: What challenges do you anticipate with launching in a political environment where sex education is being curtailed and people of different gender identities, including trans people, are being targeted?

TMJ: It’s so terrifying to watch the state of so many parts of this country in terms of trans students, specifically. Right now, there couldn’t be a greater need for comprehensive sex education. It’s wild to me the number of states that don’t require sex ed to be medically accurate, the number that don’t require it to include consent, and the number of people who tell me they never learned anything regarding queerness or queer identity and other really important topics.

Because of this, we’ve prioritized logistics and legal. Initially, the question on my mind was, “What risk do I take on if I admit a student or two without parental permission?” If you asked me this a year ago, I would have a different answer for you than I do now. For everyone’s sake, we need this to be so thoroughly sealed; we need it to be basically no risk because there is so much room for legal action from parents and schools, so we have to be extremely careful.

We have support for that through individual organizations that help nonprofits, and we’ve been able to speak with the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States (SIECUS), and they’ve been hugely helpful in terms of their state-by-state knowledge. It’s also been helpful to talk to leaders of other nonprofits in this space—including an organization called OkaySo, which does youth sex education through texting—just to learn what they’re doing.

W+G: What do you want adults and those without young people in their lives to know about the need for the Youth Sexpert Program?
TMJ: We tend to think of kids and young adults as so different from us or how we may have been, but so much is the same. I think we can all think back to moments where we wish we knew more [about sex] and moments where we felt empowered knowing more and can then understand why we need to ensure [the latter] for young people.

From a health standpoint, half of all the new STI infections are in people under age 24, so we know that the health of young people is also being impacted by how uninformed they are—and this has implications for the adults they interact with, too.

Because I run the Youth Sexpert Program TikTok account, I can also see what young people are discussing, and even for me, as a sex educator, it’s shocking sometimes. High schoolers are certainly talking about sex topics and things that adults might think are taboo, anyway, and from those conversations, it’s clear that they’re lacking an understanding of things like consent and queer education. It’s so important for us to meet them where they are with accurate information.

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity. 

The Womanizer Wave ($119) may look like any ol’ detachable shower head at first glance. But actually, this chrome, claw-shaped attachment is a showerhead that’s engineered specifically to deliver orgasms. Designed through a partnership between Womanizer and premium bathroom product manufacturer hansgrohe, the product is the brainchild of both brands, blending Womanizer’s expertise in clitoral stimulation (they’re the ones who pioneered clitoral suction toys) and hansgrohe’s experience in engineering sleek bathroom fixtures. The result? An external stimulator that utilizes water in the form of three unique stream options. And after giving it a whirl, I can confirm that… stimulate, it does.

Womanizer Wave — $119.00

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Why a showerhead sex toy makes a whole lot of sense

For many people, the showerhead isn’t just the greeter at the door of self-pleasure; it’s a consistent guide that stays with them throughout their life as a person who masturbates.

As for why? It often boils down to practicality, says Dr. O’Reilly. “The shower is typically the only place that offers privacy for those who grow up in communal living situations,” she says. Fact is, thin walls have nothing on the overbearing rain sounds of most showerheads. Plus, the shower is often the only place where we get to spend a substantial amount of time naked, she adds.

“Running water allows an individual to explore all sorts of sensations.” —Jess O’Reilly, PhD, sexologist

Privacy aside, taking a shower also tends to be a naturally sensory experience. “Running water allows an individual to explore all sorts of sensations,” says Dr. O’Reilly. “Even if those sensations are not necessarily erotic, because the shower gives you time to tune into your body, it can lay the groundwork to explore the erotic.”

It only makes sense, then, that shower masturbation might follow. And a detachable showerhead has long offered a way to direct the water stream onto the same external erogenous zones you might stimulate with a hand or toy, like the clitoral hood and labia. Recognizing that common behavior is what inspired the Womanizer and hasgrohe teams to create a showerhead explicitly designed for self-pleasure—one that’ll bring your wet and wild fantasies to life without the limitations of a typical showerhead.

How the Womanizer Wave works (and why it’s oh-so-different from a typical showerhead)

The Womanizer Wave took over three years, two prototype iterations, nine research projects, 60 interviews, 100 samples tested, and 4,000 responses in questionnaires to perfect. The result is a head—no, not that kind of head—that is 94 percent more pleasant, 88 percent more arousing, and 86 percent more suitable for masturbation than a normal showerhead, according to a study conducted by Womanizer. (And to be clear, it works just as well as your typical one for actual showering, too.)

The head has three different stream options: powder rain, pleasure whirl, and pleasure jet. Powder rain is most akin to regular shower spray and is probably the one you’d elect when shampooing and soaping. Meanwhile, the pleasure jet consists of a powerful, consistent three-pronged stream that is great for people who need constant pressure while masturbating to experience pleasure. And pleasure whirl uses a rotating stream to create a unique sensation that reminded me of a traditional vibrator.

Switching between the three modes is easy and intuitive; you simply press the button located at the base of the head with your thumb (which is ergonomically nearby when you hold the Wave in hand). There is also an intensity slider located on the neck of the Wave, so you can play with how much pressure the water delivers. Essentially, this functions like the “+” button on most vibrators.

My experience with the Womanizer Wave

While I am very sexually attracted to DIYers and Home Depot regulars, I, myself, am about as handy as… well, I’m not handy at all. So while I was excited to give the Wave a whirl, I was nervous that my own technical inabilities would essentially cock-block me. Thankfully, installing the Wave was as easy as twisting my old showerhead off, and twisting this one on. The whole shebang took fewer than three minutes max—which, to avoid burying the lede, is the same amount of time it took me to orgasm.

I had just finished a workout before installing the Wave, so I started my shower like I would any shower, by rinsing off and shampooing. While the Powder Rain option was effective at getting all the suds out of my hair, transparently, I wish it had been a smidge more intense. (Forgive the brag, but my usual showerhead is basically the Niagara Falls of showerheads.)

After my hair was clean, it was time for me to get (ahem) dirty. When I lifted the head out of its holder I was taken by how lightweight it is. Made from ABS plastic, the Wave weighs in at just six ounces, which made it far easier to maneuver and manipulate while I masturbated than a similar stainless-steel product.

As I mentioned, the product worked effectively for my clit within a couple minutes, so even if it was heavy, I wouldn’t have had to worry about my muscles tapping out midway through. But the light weight of this product makes it accessible to people of a wide variety of strength levels, as well as usable by those with certain wrist or hand limitations that might otherwise preclude them from showerhead-based pleasure.

In the shower, I wasn’t just warm, I was hot—which allowed my muscles, including my pelvic floor muscles, to relax.

Naturally, the Pleasure Jet technology in the showerhead deserves some of the credit for my easily reached orgasm. But, I also think part of the speed was due to the fact that I was warm and relaxed.

Despite the embarrassingly high temperature at which I keep my apartment, I am always cold. (Actually, before getting naked with my partners, I usually have to ask them to turn up the heat… literally.) In the shower, I wasn’t just warm, I was hot—which allowed my muscles, including my pelvic floor muscles, to relax. Given that an orgasm is essentially a series of pelvic floor muscle contractions, it makes sense that if those muscles were more pliable due to the warmth, it would be easier for me to O.

Also worth mentioning: I’m blessed to have a seat built into my shower. So, I was able to recline while I masturbated. As a person who generally thinks standing sex is overrated and has never been able to come with both feet planted firmly on the ground, the ability to sit was an essential element in my pleasure experience with the Wave. If your preferences are like mine, I’d recommend adding a shower stool to your shopping cart alongside the showerhead. (As an added bonus, the stool will make it safer for you to use lube if you plan to pair the external-stimulation from the Wave with an internal waterproof vibrator).

The eco impact of using the Womanizer Wave

Since the launch of the Womanizer Wave, there’s been some eco pushback, largely from the folks behind UK-based sustainable sex-toy company Love Not War who say that masturbating with water is a poor use of said water—and suggest that consumers, naturally, buy their sex toys for this purpose instead.

Certainly, spending more time under any showerhead does use more water than if you were to just get out of the shower once you were clean; indeed, some estimates suggest that roughly 300 million liters (about 79 million gallons) are used each year for showerhead masturbation alone.

But as a pleasure activist and sex educator, I take issue with people coming after water-wankers in the name of a greener world. After all, use of the toilet, bathtub, and washing machine all make up a larger share of our average water usage than use of the shower, as things currently stand. So, focusing a campaign on getting people—primarily folks with a vulva—to stop masturbating in the shower is, at best, ineffective. And at worst, it’s sex-negativity masquerading as environmentalism.

When it comes to using the Wave, it’s also worth noting that it was designed with sustainability in mind, employing technology that allows it to use 60-percent less water than a conventional showerhead. And if you’re anything like me, it won’t take you more than a couple extra minutes of water usage beyond the typical amount of time you’d spend in the shower to get off with the Wave.

No doubt, water waste is an important cause to rally behind. But to focus on the excess water loss from showerhead masturbation ignores all the layered reasons why people may choose to self-pleasure this way in the first place—like, because there’s less risk of getting walked in on or caught, or because it’s the only way they feel safe or relaxed enough to let their guard down and experience pleasure.

I may be a sex educator, not a campaign manager, but it seems like a more effective and sex-positive water-conserving campaign would be to encourage folks to use sex blankets so that they don’t have to change their sheets every time they bang or to shower together as part of a post-sex aftercare practice, rather than villainizing a masturbation practice that, for many, serves a uniquely satisfying purpose.

How can you tell if your vagina smells ‘normal?’

First, it’s worth noting that there’s certainly no rule for what any vagina should (or shouldn’t) smell or taste like. Just like the people who have them, vaginas are all naturally unique and a whole host of factors can determine how yours specifically tastes and smells, says double-board-certified gynecologist Monica Grover, DO, medical director at VSPOT medi spa. What is ‘normal’ for one person may not be normal for another. At the same time, taste is subjective, so what one oral sex-giver might deem pleasant, another might not.

All of that said, there’s not really any reason, per se, to start messing with the taste (or smell, for that matter) of your vagina, whether to purportedly improve it or otherwise. Even so, mainstream culture has unfortunately pushed many people with vaginas to think otherwise.

“People are fascinated with the topic of eating pineapple to change the taste of their vagina because we tend to be overly self-conscious about how we smell and taste during sex,” says sexologist Rebecca Alvarez Story, founder of sexual-wellness marketplace Bloomi. In fact, a 2019 survey of 1,000 people who identify as women found that two-thirds of them have turned down sex due to concerns about the scent of their vagina. But, again, a vagina doesn’t need to smell or taste particularly sweet or floral or anything else. “It’s a vagina, not a piña colada,” gynecologist Jen Gunter, MD, previously told Well+Good.

That said, certain elements of your lifestyle, including what you eat, could affect the usual taste and smell of your vagina (whatever that might be) by altering your vaginal pH and, in turn, supporting the growth of healthy bacteria…or doing just the opposite. “The scent of vaginal discharge can range from normal physiology to abnormal pH, bacterial overgrowth, sexual fluids, exposure to detergents and lubricants, sexually transmitted infections, and even hydration status,” says gynecologist and sexual-wellness expert Christie Cobb, MD. For example, intercourse through sexual penetration or even experiencing a period can change the balance of your pH, as can lifestyle habits such as using certain products like feminine washes or even a build up of sweat and discharge from not showering after a workout.

Given all this, it makes sense that consuming pineapple, which is quite acidic, could have an effect on the pH of a vagina and therefore affect how it tastes and smells. However, adding more pineapple to your diet is not a panacea for a sweeter smelling or tasting vagina because “even if two people have the same exact pH, one may not smell like the other person’s because of our own individual physiologies,” says Dr. Grover.

That’s why a varied diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and fermented foods is generally linked to a healthy V (and, perhaps, “good” vaginal taste) whereas a diet lacking in those nutrients could lead to an imbalance in the bacteria in your bits and maybe a different taste, too.

Does pineapple change the smell of the vagina and vaginal discharge?

With all this said, where exactly does that leave pineapple in the vagina-taste and smell department? Because your vaginal pH depends on so many factors, it’s possible that pineapple could change the smell and taste of the vagina and its discharge in a way that you may like, but it’s not a guarantee.

Though there aren’t any specific studies on the connection between eating pineapple and having a vagina that tastes “good” (again, a tough thing to measure, anyway), research does support that “fermented pineapple juice can help support the growth of healthy vaginal bacteria, just as yogurt and kombucha can,” says OB/GYN Amy Roskin, MD, JD, chief medical officer at Seven Starling, a mental health provider serving mothers and caregivers. And again, healthy bacteria is what a vagina thrives on, so a good bacterial abundance could theoretically keep a vagina from taking on a funkier or stronger odor than it typically has.

“Experienced tasters do report that when you eat sweet fruits, vegetables, and herbs, it seems to heighten the sugary flavor of vaginal fluids and ejaculate.” —Jess O’Reilly, PhD, sexologist

When it comes to regular old pineapple and pineapple juice, though, the intel is more anecdotal. “Experienced tasters—or folks who’ve tasted many a lover’s juices—do report that when you eat sweet fruits [like pineapple], vegetables, and herbs, it seems to heighten the sugary flavor of vaginal fluids and ejaculate,” says sexologist Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the Sex With Dr. Jess podcast. “They also suggest that smoking, caffeine, and processed foods can result in a more bitter vaginal taste,” she says, speaking of her clients. For the same reason, Dr. Grover says pineapple may affect the smell and taste of semen by altering the pH. “It’s probably for the same reason and with males their fluids are more alkaline, so you’re adding higher fructose and glucose levels which makes it a little bit more acidic,” she says.

However, these anecdotal associations of pineapple making the vagina taste and smell better nod to the aforementioned benefit for your vagina of just following an overall healthy lifestyle—of which pineapple can certainly be a part. Eating pineapple has a multitude of health benefits, says Dr. Roskin, like fighting inflammation, promoting tissue healing, and boosting your immune system. Not to mention, pineapples are also notably composed of between 85 and 89 percent water, and “staying hydrated is also crucial to promoting natural vaginal lubrication,” says Dr. Roskin. The more lubricated your vagina is, the more diluted its secretions may be, potentially cutting some of the tang from its taste.

When to talk to a doctor about vaginal smells

If you notice any big odor changes from your usual smell (or, perhaps, a partner does), it’s a good idea to consult your doctor.
“If you start to experience a bad or fish-like odor in your vagina, this could be a sign of a medical condition—like an infection or bacterial vaginosis,” says Dr. Roskin. According to Dr. Grover, yeast infections typically are marked by itching and discharge that has the consistency and appearance of cottage cheese, while bacterial infections are more typically associated with an odor. The cure for these is not pineapple, but rather going to the doctor for help.

It’s a really good idea to reach out to your doctor, according to Dr. Grover, if you experience a change in smell paired with other symptoms such as itching, discomfort, or more discharge than usual because something else may be up. “I can’t necessarily say if it’s going to smell a specific way something is off because it could just mean that’s normal for you, but if it’s out of the norm I would say do some investigation,” says Dr. Grover.

So in conclusion, feel free to add pineapple to your diet and see what happens.

Want to incorporate more pineapple into your diet? Check out this video for a healthy pineapple upside down cake recipe:

The truth is, poop-related accidents are a less common occurrence during anal sex than fear mongers would have you believe. And that’s largely because of the anatomy of the butt. “The rectum is the part of the anal structure that is filled during anal sex,” says Bobby Box, co-host of Bad In Bed: The Queer Sex Education Podcast and sex educator at anal-play brand B-Vibe. “Stool is stored higher up in the body in the sigmoid colon, which is closed off by a valve-like structure called the rectosigmoid junction,” he says. And that valve typically only releases when the brain recognizes that you’re on the loo, he adds.

“Having anal sex and expecting that there is never going to be poop is like going in the pool and expecting not to get wet.” —Alex Hall, anal sex educator

But given that penetrative anal play does involve plopping something where poop comes out, it’s certainly not an impossibility for, well, sh*t to happen. “Having anal sex and expecting that there is never going to be poop is like going in the pool and expecting not to get wet,” says anal sex educator Alex Hall, founder of The Bottom’s Digest, an online resource for anal-friendly recipes and lifestyle tips.

Still, you shouldn’t let the fear of feces keep you from enjoying anal play, he says. Why? Because, for many, it feels good. So good, in fact, that some sexuality professionals believe that anal sex could help close the orgasm gap. (Two words for you: anal orgasm.)

Besides, there are so (!) many things that you can do to reduce the chances of poop-laden anal, such as emptying your pipes an hour or two beforehand, going much slower with anal penetration than you might think you need to, doing anal dilating or training to prepare your butt muscles in advance, cleaning your butt (externally) with a pre-sex shower, and using lube, says Hall.

But because what you put in your body naturally determines what will come out, perhaps the best way to keep doo-doo from making an appearance while you do it is tweaking what you’re eating before anal sex. “Diet plays a massive role in an individual’s likelihood of having to go to the bathroom while they bottom [or are penetrated during anal],” says Hall. That’s not to say that you need to eat in any particular way if you’re planning on having anal—but if mid-sex poop is a concern, there are certainly ways to, well, eat around that.

Below, Hall and nutritionist Daniel O’Shaughnessy, author of Naked Nutrition: An LGBTQ+ Guide to Diet & Lifestyle, share their top tips for anal-friendly eating.

6 tips for eating before anal sex that will lower your risk of a poop cameo

1. First things first: Do not forgo food

Are there things you can avoid eating to reduce the risk of pooping during anal? Yes. Should you skip food altogether ahead of anal play? Absolutely not. “Your digestive system certainly does not have to be completely empty for you to avoid [pooping] while you play,” says Hall. “So, there is no reason to starve yourself before having anal.” (Or, ever, for that matter.)

Fasting ahead of anal sex can actually make the sexperience less enjoyable, says Hall. After all, food is what gives us energy. Without it, your body will be too fatigued to do much of anything, whether it’s getting the mail or getting railed. And in your desire to avoid going number-two while having anal, you definitely don’t want to risk falling asleep during anal either—an arguably worse fate.

2. Learn your personal trigger foods

While there are some general food dos and don’ts when it comes to eating before anal sex (and we’ll get to these below), the thing is, “everybody has their own unique gut microbiome,” says Hall. “This means that we all have different foods that make our guts feel good, and foods that cause stomach upset.” Heck, that’s why one of your friends might be able to stomach milkshakes for days, while the other can’t have one without immediately dropping deuce.

Your move: Start to pay attention to what foods often have you beelining it to the golden throne. “When a food kicks your [redacted], write it down,” suggests Hall, either in a journal or your Notes app. Does red meat make a mess of your stomach? Note that. Does salad set off a symphony of gurgles in your gut? Jot it down. “The more information you make note of, the better,” says Hall.

This way, when anal is on your horizon, you can use this intel to make belly-friendly food decisions. Because it usually takes 24 to 72 hours for food to move through the entire digestive tract, O’Shaughnessy recommends avoiding your trigger foods one to two days before you’re planning to have anal sex, if possible.

3. Feast on fiber

Truth be told, fiber is something people with all sexual desires should be eating more of. Indeed, estimates suggest that just 7 percent of people are getting the recommended daily amount of dietary fiber (38 grams for males and 25 grams for females).

There are two kinds of fiber: soluble and insoluble. These two types work together to help you go regularly, bulk up your stool, support complete emptying, and prevent hemorrhoids, says O’Shaughnessy. Whole-grain foods like brown rice and barley will provide you with the insoluble you need, while oats and nuts will give you the soluble. Meanwhile, most fruits, veggies, and plant-based foods will have a combination of both, he adds.

To be clear: “You just need to get enough—you don’t need to double up on [fiber intake] or otherwise try to get more than the recommended amount,” says Hall. Especially if you’re dehydrated, getting too much fiber, he says, can cause symptoms that are especially unfavorable ahead of anal, like gas, bloating, constipation, and cramping.

4. Make sure to hydrate

Ever noticed that you’re less flexible when you’re dehydrated? Well, that’s because consuming water can help lubricate your joints and make your muscles pliable, says Hall. But, being hydrated won’t just allow you to get into more pretzel-esque anal sex positions; it will also make anal sex more comfortable.

The opening of the anal canal is guarded by an anal sphincter muscle that is typically clenched tight. When you’re hydrated, Hall says, this muscle will be better equipped to relax, so that you can accept whatever is trying to enter. By contrast, if you’re dehydrated, you’re at greater risk for penetrative pain, he says. Hard pass.

“The general recommendation is to drink eight 8-ounce glasses of water a day, but if you’re planning to bottom, I recommend getting even more than that, if possible,” says Hall. That’s because fiber only does a good job when you’re properly hydrated. Consume the above recommended amount of fiber without also drinking ample water, and you risk tummy troubles.

5. Consider probiotics

Whether or not anal play is in your future, consuming probiotics could do you a solid. Eating probiotic-rich fermented foods—such as kimchi, sauerkraut, miso, and sourdough—can help support your gut microbiome by increasing its levels of beneficial bacteria, says O’Shaughnessy. And a balanced gut microbiome means better gut and stool health (aka more regular and predictable poops), he adds.

“If you don’t like the sound of these foods, then supplementing with a multi-strain probiotic may be helpful in supplying that live bacteria to the gut,” says O’Shaugnessy. However, the science showing the efficacy of probiotic supplements is still limited, so be sure to check with a healthcare professional (like an RD or gastroenterologist) before newly introducing any supplement into your routine.

6. Limit alcohol intake

Between the murky waters that alcohol introduces to consent and the way it can affect your communication and judgment, there are plenty of reasons to cut back on booze if sex is in your near future. And if anal sex is on the docket, one of those reasons is the effect of alcohol on your digestive tract. “Alcohol dehydrates the heck out of you, throws your gut microbiome out of whack, and increases your risk of diarrhea,” says Hall.

In particular, the ethanol in alcohol can aggravate the intestines, causing stool to move more quickly through them and increasing your risk for those not-so-solid poops.

Separately, imbibing can also increase your overall stress and anxiety, adds Hall. And when you’re stressed, you’re more likely to clench your butthole. “If your sphincter muscles are contracted when you’re trying to have sex, your risk for pain, fissures, and hemorrhoids also goes up,” he says. Avoiding that chain reaction is as simple as keeping alcohol out of the pre-anal picture.

All to say that tattoos are pretty common and have been for a long time—as has being attracted to those who have them. Research has shown that cis women, for example, tend to find tattooed men healthier and more “masculine” than men without body modifications, and a 2017 survey conducted by the UK dating app Type reportedly found that two-thirds of female respondents were attracted to men with tattoos.

However, some folks get sexual gratification from the tattoo (or piercing) itself. What is this sexual interest, and what does it entail? Here’s a look into stigmatophilia and how to navigate this sexual interest in relationships.

What is stigmatophilia?

If you get sexually aroused from body modifications, you may have stigmatophilia. According to Kendra Capalbo, LICSW, a licensed sex and couples therapist at Esclusiva Couples Retreats, stigmatophilia is “sexual paraphilia in which sexual pleasure and arousal [are] related to a partner having tattoos, piercings or scars.” Paraphilias, in case you aren’t familiar with the term, are recurring and persistent sexual interests or behaviors that are considered “atypical” by societal standards. They generally aren’t considered a mental health condition, with some exceptions if the paraphilia is distressing the person who has it, or if it requires harming another person. (Not typically the case with stigmatophilia.)

A person with stigmatophilia can be aroused by someone else’s tattoos or scars, or gets aroused from getting tattooed themselves. “[Stigmatophilia] can be displayed by feeling turned on at, say, a tattoo shop seeing people with tattoos or knowing you are about to get one,” says Lyndsey Murray, an AASECT-certified sex therapist at Relationship Matters Therapy.

“[A person with stigmatophilia] may be someone who only chooses partners that have art—tattoos or piercings—on their body, or they may be someone who has a lot of art on their body because it turns them on if they look that way,” Murray adds.

Stigmatophilia originally referred to people who were aroused by scarification (intentional cutting to create patterns or different skin textures) but has since been expanded. “Recently, this definition [of stigmatophilia] has been expanded to account for those who are sexually aroused by tattoos, piercings, and any other body modifications, especially on the genitals and nipples,” says Rebecca Alvarez Story, a certified sexologist and the CEO and co-founder of Bloomi.

How common is stigmatophilia?

There’s limited research on stigmatophilia, but Story says that paraphilias in general are more common among men than women: “Since sex drive is on average higher in men, it can fuel the motivation to seek out a higher variety of sexual activities, interests, and partners.” (Unclear how that plays out among trans and genderfluid folks—there just isn’t enough data to say.)

However, some tattoo artists say they have encountered stigmatophilia in their own shops. John Johnson, the owner of New Flower Studio in Long Beach, California, and an online education administrator for the Association of Professional Piercers, has had a few instances where his clients became erect or made sexual comments during the piercing experience. “I don’t know if this is specifically a result of them being aroused or just a biological reaction to being handled, cleaned for the procedure, and being examined,” says Johnson.

“Different people enjoy and appreciate different things sexually, and I think that’s just human.” —John Johnson, owner, New Flower Studio

Johnson also mentions that couples have kissed or had sexual conversations during a piercing appointment. Still, he’s okay with them creating a sexual environment if it doesn’t cross his boundaries. “I communicate my boundaries very clearly, and like all piercers, I maintain control of the piercing room.”

Emmanuel Fortunato, a tattoo artist at Mad Rabbit in New York City, says he hasn’t had a client confess to becoming sexually aroused from getting a tattoo but understands that a tattoo “is something very personal, where you submit your trust and make a compromise for the rest of your life, which is exactly why it would not surprise me if someone felt more intense feelings.”

“I would think [stigmatophila] is very normal,” says Johnson. “Different people enjoy and appreciate different things sexually, and I think that’s just human.”

Can stigmatophilia ever be a cause for concern?

Story reiterates that stigmatophilia “isn’t considered to be [a] perversion or mental illness” and is not “an uncontrollable desire that can only be satisfied by performing a sexual act.”

However, Capalbo notes that if a person requires continuous body modifications to feel aroused, their stigmatophilia can “reach the level of a disorder and thus [be] a legitimate health concern.”

For example, Capalbo mentions that a person with stigmatophilia may have the urgent and repetitive need to touch or get several body modifications. This compulsivity may lead to a person “risking getting infections and regretting a decision at a later stage,” says Capalbo. (If the tattoo artist doesn’t use sterile equipment, there’s an increased risk of developing infections like hepatitis C or HIV.)

“It’s okay if someone wants to have their entire body covered in body art, just make sure the needles and material are clean, legitimate, and not shared with others if you decide to do so,” says Murray.

Additionally, if someone is experiencing signs of distress or discomfort from stigmatophilia, they should seek help from a mental health professional.

Navigating stigmatophilia in romantic and sexual relationships

If you have stigmatophilia, being open about it with your partner(s) can certainly benefit your romantic and sexual relationships. According to Capalbo, it can “add sexual excitement and pleasure both for an individual as well as partners and ‘spice up’ their sex lives, make you feel close to other like-minded people, and allow them to explore your sexuality.” Sharing these desires, and exploring them with your partner(s), can also encourage self-confidence, she says.

“As with every relationship, it is important for all partners to be honest with each other and communicate their sexual wants and needs,” adds Story.

Having a conversation about sexual interests can be nerve-wracking, but it’s important to be open and honest. “Provide some context to your partner as to what triggered this in the first place and what exactly you like or dislike,” Capalbo suggests. “A mutual understanding and direct and honest conversation with your partner will help you in navigating through incorporating or not incorporating new elements into your relationship and sex lives.”

If your partner(s) cannot meet your sexual interests, Murray says you should “explore other ways to meet your needs, perhaps including watching ethical pornography together that involves individuals who do have tattoos and piercings.

The bottom line: Stigmatophilia is part of the vast mosaic of the human sexual experience. If getting inked gets you off, then by all means explore it (safely).

Long-term relationships are hard work. But, sex psychologist, therapist, and University of Florida psychology professor Laurie Mintz, PhD, says she’s found a few common threads between the long-term couples who thrive counseling. Keep reading for Dr. Mintz’s top tips for long-term relationship health.

6 therapist-approved tips for long-term relationship health

1. Work through issues as soon as they arise

Dissecting relationship problems with your S.O. can be scary, but according to Dr. Mintz, allowing issues to fester because ignoring them is easier than dealing with them only makes them grow: “The sooner you talk about it, the better,” she says.

Dissecting relationship problems can be scary, but according to sex and relationship therapist Laurie Mintz, PhD, allowing issues to fester only makes them grow.

In fact, the shared ability to tackle problems before they become worse is one of the biggest hallmarks of a relationship that’s built to last, according to Dr. Mintz, author of Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters–And How to Get It and A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex. This ability is a sign of strong, effective communication between both parties and shows that both partners are comfortable enough to share their concerns with each other.

“That doesn’t mean you’re always happy,” Dr. Mintz caveats. “Real couples have real conflicts.” But being able work through issues in a respectful way, while actively listening, is a positive sign of a couple’s resilience.

2. Make sex a priority

In the 1970s, psychologist Dorothy Tennov, PhD, coined the early phase of a romantic relationship as the “limerence phase.” Marked by over-the-top infatuation, it typically lasts anywhere from 18 months to three years. After this period, says Dr. Mintz, it’s natural for couples to have less sex and physical intimacy.

While sexual dry spells and declined frequency among long-term couples is common, Dr. Mintz says the the happiest, longest-lasting couples make sex a priority. Aside from the numerous physical and mental health benefits of sex, research shows a positive correlation between sexual frequency and overall marital satisfaction.

For those juggling work, kids, and any other markers of a full life outside the scope of a romantic bond, making sex a priority might require putting it on your calendar. Scheduling sex might feel quite un-sexy, but according to Dr. Mintz, our idea of “spontaneous” sex actually involves a bit of planning. “Before you went out on a date, you washed your hair, you put on makeup, you put on clothes,” she points out. “That was not spontaneous. That was well-orchestrated.” Furthermore, scheduling sex dates gives both partners something to look forward to.

Dr. Mintz’s best tip for initiative sex after a dry spell? Just do it: “It’s like driving a car in the winter,” she says. “You’ve got to scrape off the ice, and then you can have a nice drive.”

3. They accept their partner’s bids for connection

According to research from relationship psychologists John and Julie Gottman, the longest-lasting married couples regularly accept their partner’s bids for connection, or “units of emotional communication.” Common bids in relationships include—but aren’t limited to—sharing highlights from your day, sending funny videos over text, initiating a kiss, or voicing concerns about your relationship.

Turning toward our partner’s bids for affection instead of away from them shows that we deeply care about their feelings and are excited for the opportunity to connect with them, says Dr. Mintz. Negatively reacting to or blatantly ignoring our loved one’s bids for affection tells them that we don’t care—or respect—their thoughts, feelings, and ideas. “If your partner turns towards you, turn towards them,” she says.

4. They show love how their partner likes to receive it

Some folks in long-term relationships are lucky enough to express and receive love in the same way; for those who don’t, it’s easy to fall into a trap of not making your partner feel loved or not feeling loved by your partner. For instance, you might feel head-over-heels in love when your partner cleans out the car for you, but that doesn’t mean they feel the same way when you do it for them.

Filling your partner’s cup means “giving them what they want, not what you want,” says Dr. Mintz. If you don’t already know how your partner feels valued and loved, simply ask them what you can do—or do more of—to make them feel adored.

5. They share a growth mindset

Do you believe people are in charge of their lives? Or do you believe that destiny decides it all?

If you subscribe to the first line of thought, you have what psychologist Carol Dweck calls a “growth mindset,” and that you’re in the driver’s seat of your life. You can change every facet of it, should you decide to. On the flip side, if folks have a fixed mindset about their relationship, they may be be less motivated to do the work required to maintain its healthy status.

A growth mindset renders conflicts and flaws as fixable issues that folks can overcome together rather than relationship-ending obstacles set out by the universe. And, says Dr. Mintz, it’s an empowering mindset for long-term couples.

6. They try new things together

While sticking to a comfortable routine might be tempting, Dr. Mintz suggests switching things up a little for the longevity of your relationship. “The research shows that couples who try new things together do novel activities and end up feeling closer,” she says. So, consider taking a dance class, going rock climbing, or trying a new restaurant together.

Variety is the spice of life, after all, and that goes for sex, too, says Dr. Mintz. “Most couples get into a sexual routine,” she says, “but sometimes, even if it’s orgasmic, it can get a little boring.”

Just as our sexual appetites change over time, our sexual interests and kinks change, too, she adds. This isn’t to say you should try anything you’re uncomfortable with (please don’t!), but be willing to explore and try new things in the bedroom. Asking your partner to play in new ways—and inviting them to share their fantasies—can be an exercise of trust and vulnerability. “Always communicate what you want,” adds Dr. Mintz, “and don’t assume you [still] know how to push all their buttons.”

Above all, Dr. Mintz says that the longest-lasting couples hold a deep amount of respect for their partners and have a willingness to change for the better. Deciding that a relationship is worth fighting for—and doing the work necessary to breathe life into it—is what ensures a relationship’s longevity for years to come.

When you and your partner’s energy levels don’t match following sex, it can affect your relationship in and out of the bedroom. Knowing why you may have more or less energy after sex—and how you can address any concerns or communicate needs better with your partner—is an important way to strengthen the relationship as a whole.

Hormonal reasons behind those post-sex energy levels

The hormones your brain releases during (and immediately after) sex play a role in how energized (or not) you feel after doing the deed. “During a sexual encounter, the brain releases oxytocin,” says Sari Cooper, LCSW, certified sex therapist and director of The Center for Love and Sex in New York City. Oxytocin, known as the “love hormone,” helps you feel warm and relaxed by lowering cortisol (the “stress hormone”), she says. Thus, from a purely chemical level, getting physical with your partner can help you or your partner relax enough to fall asleep.

That’s just from the sexual “encounter,” though. “If a person orgasms, there are further hormones that get released, including vasopressin, prolactin, serotonin, nitric oxide, and endorphins,” says Cooper. Vasopressin affects memories, concentration, and even aggression, which is why people often feel bonded to their sexual partners. Serotonin and endorphins are hormones that improve your mood. Nitric oxide promotes additional blood flow to the genitals, increasing sensation and supporting orgasm. Most importantly, prolactin is released after orgasm to help decrease desire and help you feel satisfied—again promoting that relaxed state.

Everyone produces prolactin, but a person’s levels vary at different times of their life depending on whether or not they have orgasmed, if they are or have been pregnant, or if they are nursing. Since prolactin levels affect sexual satisfaction, which leads to the further release of hormones affecting energy, their effect may rely in some part on the sexual biology of the person having intercourse. It doesn’t help that heterosexual women often experience “the orgasm gap” which contextualizes the lowered likelihood of a vagina-haver to orgasm during penetrative intercourse than a penis-haver. This would, then, make folks with a vagina less likely than folks with a penis partners to have released the hormones after cis-hetero sex that would make them tired.

Keep in mind that “we are all unique individuals, so these hormones may have different effects on people no matter what their sex,” says Cooper.

The other variables at play if you’re tired after sex

How you feel after sex isn’t as simple as chemicals in your brain. There are all kinds of variables that can affect hormone release such as a person’s menstrual cycle, medications, or other factors. Your day-to-day sexual response is also liable to vary, and “the same person doesn’t have the same reaction every time,” says Stella Harris, an intimacy coach and author of Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships and The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes. “Not only can the sex be different, but the state we go into it can also affect the way we feel coming out.” That is, if you’re already tired before having sex, odds are that the sex will make you feel more tired.

The physical toll of sex can also impact your post-intimacy energy levels. “Sexual activity can be like working out and your stamina is challenged so that when some folks are done, they are ready to sleep and for others, they’re more wired,” says Cooper.

“What’s important is to be accepting of whatever your body needs after sex…Nothing good comes from fighting against our body’s needs.” —Stella Harris, intimacy coach and author

Your emotional state also affects how alert or depleted you are after sex. For example, “if one person is worried they are engaging sexually as a way of creating a deeper emotional bond, their vulnerability will be higher,” Cooper says. “If the emotional connection is not apparent or returned, falling asleep might be a way to cope with their disappointment.” Or, “if two partners share an aligned experience that makes both of them equally connected and hopeful about their relationship, sleeping can be the result of a super-relaxed state,” she says. One could also see how either of those scenarios could lead someone to be more awake, either because their head is spinning with anxiety or buzzing with excitement.

“What’s important is to be accepting of whatever your body needs after sex,” says Harris. “If you’re a jump-out-of-bed-and-go-for-a-run person, that’s great. If you need a cat nap, that’s great, too. Nothing good comes from fighting against our body’s needs.” She says to plan for it as much as possible once you know your patterns. For example, if you know you need to rest after sex, you may want to account for some extra cuddling time before moving on with your day. Or if you know you feel wide awake afterwards, see if your partner is game for morning sex.

When to be concerned about post-orgasm sleepiness

It’s normal for your energy level to fluctuate throughout phases of your life, a relationship, or even the week. It’s also normal for people to have patterns they notice about themselves, such as always sleeping through the night after orgasm. However, if you think your reaction to sex or orgasm is extreme—say you’re so wired you can’t sleep at all, or unable to stay awake even if you wanted to—the experts say you may want to investigate potential causes with your health-care provider.

A condition called Post Coital Dysphoria (PCD), is what Cooper describes as when someone “might feel deep sadness after a partnered sexual experience.” People with PCD may have symptoms like mood swings and reduced energy. There’s also a rare medical disorder called Post Orgasmic Illness Syndrome (POIS), which can cause exhaustion, fog, or other flu-like symptoms in people. It can last up to five days post orgasm or sexual encounter. The cause is currently unknown but may be due to either a process in a person’s brain or an allergy to another person’s seminal fluid. If you suspect either of these conditions, speak to your health-care or mental health provider.

When to talk to your partner about being tired after sex

Let’s say you don’t feel the need to loop in a health-care provider to get to the bottom of why you might feel tired after sex. Even so, it could be worth discussing swings in energy with your partner to make sure they understand how you’re feeling—particularly if they feel differently.

For example, you might bring up if your partner’s energy level is affecting your enjoyment of partnered sex, so “one partner’s falling asleep isn’t misinterpreted as abandonment by the other, and a burst of energy by one partner isn’t misinterpreted as lack of authentic connection,” says Cooper.

It’s important to talk about what you need in advance so you can advocate for yourself when you’re in a calm, non-sexually charged situation. For example, Harris says one solution would be that the person who tends to have a lot of energy after sex might be able to burn it off ahead of time, leaving them available for calm cuddles with their more sedate partner afterward. Or, the snugglier partner may need to compromise and have a shorter cuddling session after sex to accommodate a partner who needs less time being stationary. Cooper suggests using “I” statements, such as “I feel…” or “I would prefer…,” to avoid assumptions or projecting inaccurate intentions on your partner.

As with most aspects of relationships, communication and compromise are key to finding a solution that works for everyone—and the case of being tired after sex is no exception.

“A clitoral sex toy is a vibrator specifically designed to stimulate the clitoris, but pretty much any vibrator can be used as a clitoral sex toy,” says Chanta Blue, LCSW, a sexuality and relationship therapist. And yeah, of course, that’s true. Shoot, you could even make your hand a clitoral stimulation “toy” if you kept the touch external, but you don’t have to—thanks to strides in sexy innovations, there’s a litany of *actual* clitoral stimulation toys that do all the work for you. (And for many folks, feel way better than a finger.)

What makes a clitoral stimulator different than other sex toys?

“While the majority of the clitoris is located internally, the clitoral glans—[which we call] the head—is often the most sensitive area and leads to more pleasure for the person, so these toys are created to focus mostly on that area,” says Blue. “[That also means] many clitoral toys are made for external use only.”

Blue adds that whether they’re clit massagers or clit suckers, these toys “often simulate movements that mimic oral sex, like licking and sucking.” Rachel Wright, a licensed psychotherapist and the sex educator at the sex-toy brand Zumio, notes that clitoral stimulation toys may also offer “rotations, vibrations, suctions, air pulsations, or a pump.”

Importantly, clitoral stimulation toys are not the same as sexual toys designed to stimulate your G-spot. “The clitoris is on the inside and outside of the body,” says Wright. “Most folks who have one primarily reach orgasm via clitoral stimulation. The G-spot is inside the body and can only be reached with penetration.”

What to look for when you’re shopping for a clitoral sex toy

“As with any sex toy, it’s important to be sure the toy is made of body-safe materials,” cautions Blue. “You may also want to consider what sensations feel good to you the most. Do you like how it feels for your clit to be sucked on? Or do you like the tickling sensation of a tongue?”

Wright completely agrees, saying that “there is no reason to reinvent the wheel when it comes to picking a sex toy.” If you like oral sex, look for something that mimics the lapping of lips or flick of a tongue. If you like having your hands to explore other erogenous zones, use something that can be used hands-free, like wearable vibrators.

How to use a clitoral stimulation toy

Wright says using these toys is plain and simple: “Read the instructions, use lube, and have fun.”

Blue adds that it helps to make sure you’re properly lubricated (be it from natural secretions or toy-safe lubricant) to reduce friction and possible tearing of the skin.“I always say, ‘the wetter the better,’ as it heightens sensations and allows for smoother movements,” she says. From there, Blue adds that you can place the toy directly on the clitoris or other areas of your vulva to stimulate the internal parts of the clitoris as well.

Even though this type of toy is designed to externally stimulate the clitoris, it may also feel pleasurable on other places throughout the body. In addition to the clitoris, feel free to (safely) explore everything from your ear lobes to your pinky toes—whatever you find tantalizing.

The 11 best clitoral stimulation toys sure to give you orgasms for days

Magic Wand, Magic Wand — $70.00

Previously called the Hitachi Magic Wand, this is the OG sex wand. The head of the Magic Wand Vibrator is about 2.25 inches in diameter, so it’s able to fully encompass your clitoris and give it the stimulation it deserves. It’s crucial to note that this isn’t a rechargeable clit massager. In fact, in order for it to even turn on (or turn you on), you’ll have to keep it plugged into an electrical outlet. The good news is that its cord is six feet long, so it doesn’t limit your mobility that much.

Speaking of being limited, it’s also important to note that the Magic Wand Vibrator only comes equipped with two speeds: 5,000 vibrations per minute and 6,000 vibrations per minute, so there isn’t much versatility here.

That said, this has been a long-time favorite for a reason. Exhibit A? A five-star review on sexual wellness retailer Good Vibrations: “I think that this is probably the most powerful massager that is made. When people say it’s heavy-duty, they really mean it. If you take care of it and don’t submerge the head in the water, it will easily last you a lifetime.”

Pros:

• Powerful
• Popular
• Covers a large surface area

Cons:

• Not cordless
• Large
• Only two speed variations

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Pepper, Pepper Pal Bullet Vibrator — $51.00

By design, bullet vibrators are meant to make your clitoris shine (and you, sing, if I do say so myself).

Albeit small (3.5-inches in length), Pepper’s Pal Bullet Vibrator is mighty. That’s thanks to its body-resonating motor, which is a fancy way of saying the toy will turn off if it’s away from your body for too long; it also features three different speeds as well as three pulse patterns.

As for the not-so-cool features? The lowest speed is still quite loud and rumbly, so you might want to keep shopping if you need something more on the quiet side. Also, Pepper wanted to do something cool with the body-resonating motor, but I found that the toy shutting off ruined the mood from time to time. That said, I would still recommend this ultra-soft and mega-sultry bullet.

Pros:

• Soft
• Easy to pack
• Powerful

Cons:

• Not that quiet
• Turns off when it’s not in contact with skin

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Womanizer, Starlet 2 — $55.00

“The womanizer is an OG in the sex toy world,” says Blue. “It was one of the first—if not the first—suction-based clitoral sex toy, so I’m sure this will be enjoyable for folks, especially since it’s waterproof.” Available in three colors, this toy is the paragon of a clit sucker, as it engulfs your clitoris in a hollow silicone attachment and tugs on it in a sucking motion.

It’s also equipped with four intensity levels, Womanizer’s patented Pleasure Air Technology (which is meant to feel like cunnilingus), and a run time of 30 minutes. I do wish it had a longer run time and that the handle was made of silicone for a better grasp. It would also be cool if the USB charging cable wasn’t magnetic so it’d be easier to keep stable.

Pros:

• Feels like the closest thing to cunnilingus
• Small and easy to pack
• Waterproof

Cons:

• Short run time  
• Magnetic charger is tricky to use  

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Satisfyer, Satisfyer Pro 2 Generation 3 — $60.00

While it’s similar to the Starlet in that it’s rechargeable, has a silicone attachment at the head, and is about the size of your palm, the Satisfyer Pro 2 is also different in a couple of ways. Namely, its exterior is made of soft and medical-grade silicone, making this toy is easier to grasp than the Starlet.

I also love that this clit sucker features 11 pressure wave modes and 12 vibration programs so that you can tailor the experience. Perhaps my favorite thing about this toy, though, is that it has two distinct head attachments. The first is a regular suction head, which is completely hollow. The second, however, has a small silicone cover that “creates intense waves that imitate the sensual gush of pulsating water.” Whether you get this in red, purple, or black, you’re sure to find your new favorite sex toy.

Pros:

• Features air pulsation plus vibration
• Easy to hold
• Waterproof

Cons:

• The magnetic charger is tricky to use

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Zumio, Model I Clitoral Stimulator — $109.00

When this clit massager first landed in my inbox, I didn’t expect much from it. It struck me as tiny and ineffective, but those went out the window when I tried this waterproof clitoral stimulation toy for myself. It’s available in four rechargeable models and colorways— the X, S, E, and I—which each feature “different tips and stems to deliver unique sensations,” according to the brand. I tested out the I model because it has the broadest contact area and features an elliptical rotation instead of a circular one.

The Zumio doesn’t actually vibrate, even though it looks like it does. Instead, it rotates rather quickly in order to provide its powerful and rumbly 7,000 rotations per minute. There are eight speeds on all Zumios. The lowest setting on mine was strong enough to cause an orgasm in around five minutes—and the strongest setting, believe it or not, led to the big O in five seconds flat. If you’re looking for a toy that works slowly and steadily, you’ll probably want to keep scrolling. But if you’re on the hunt for something quick and reliable, you’ve found your match.

Pros:

• Waterproof
• Very quiet
• Powerful

Cons:

• Doesn’t cover a large surface area
• Might be too powerful (even the lowest setting is quite strong)

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Lovehoney, Magic Bullet — $17.00

If you’re new to the sex toy game, this un-intimidating bullet vibrator might be the perfect 100-level course. It’ll still teach you what you need to know, but there aren’t any overly complex features. In fact, to turn on this toy, you just need to push the rubbery button on the bottom of the vibe. You do the same thing when you want to switch between the three speeds and seven vibration patterns.

“I love a good bullet,” says Blue—and the Lovehoney Magic Bullet falls squarely in that camp. “It’s sleek, discreet, and is great for newbies and veterans alike,” she adds. The Lovehoney Magic Bullet offers a pointed tip for “precise external stimulation, according to the product page. However, I’ve found myself hoping for a flatter and wider surface. Additionally, this is one of a handful of battery-operated sexual toys, and—like when we were kids—the batteries are not included. It does, however, come in three colors.

Pros:

• Affordable and efficient
• Powerful

Cons:

• The tip doesn’t cover much surface area
• Battery-operated

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Lelo, Sona Cruise 2 — $119.00

I’ve never tried a Lelo toy that I didn’t love upon first use, and the Sona Cruise is no different. It boasts 12 vibration settings, which increase in intensity and speed; it uses sonic pulses, meant to resonate more deeply into the clitoris; and it’s made out of body-safe silicone. With a full charge, you can get up to two hours of usage. Lastly, it comes with a three-button interface: the middle button, which turns the toy on and off; the bottom button, which counterintuitively increases the vibration; and the top button, which reduces intensity.

“Lelo is known for its quality when it comes to sex toys. They are often versatile and last for
years,” says Blue, adding that she has one that’s stood the test of time—almost 10 years, to be exact! “I also love that it’s waterproof,” Blue says. The Lelo Sona 2 comes in three colors: purple, pink, and black. On the Lelo website, there are a total of 2,943 reviews, of which more than 2,200 are five-star ratings. Like this one: “The look is very classy, the touch is soft, it is waterproof so easy to clean after use, but most importantly it gives. so. many. orgasms.” That said, each orgasm will cost you, considering that this suction vibrator costs over $100.

Pros:

• Waterproof
• Easy to grasp
• Two-hour run time
• Reliable

Cons:

• Expensive

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We-Vibe, Tango X — $79.00

You know how Amazon sells sex toys? Well, this one might be the best bullet the retailer offers. This toy is waterproof and rechargeable, offering two hours of play upon every full charge. You can also switch between eight intensity levels and seven vibration patterns.

“The WeVibe Tango is a classic,” says Wright. “It’s a great play on a bullet vibe for those that want vibrations that aren’t too broad.” Like the Lovehoney Magic Bullet Vibrator, this clit massager is pointed, but unlike the previous, the WeVibe Tango’s tip actually covers a lot of surface area. It’s great for partnered or solo play.

Pros:

• Covers a lot of surface area for a small toy
• Two-hour run time
• Waterproof

Cons:

• Magnetic charger can be tricky to use

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Bloomi, Massage Clitoral and Body Vibrator — $40.00

Bloomi ensures that all of its devices are manufactured “with non-toxic materials such as medical-grade silicone and stainless steel.” The brand even provides instructions on how to use its products for maximum pleasure.

I’m a particularly big fan of Bloomi’s Massage Clitoral and Body Vibrator, a flexible toy made of medical-grade and lusciously smooth silicone. According to Bloomi’s instructions on the product page, you can use this toy with a water-based lubricant on your genitals. You can also use it as a massager to relieve tension all over your body. Since this vibe is on the smaller side, it might just be better as a vibe than a massager, though.

Pros:

• Soft and body-safe
• Double sided
• Woman- and BIPOC-owned

Cons:

• Small

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Je Joue, Rabbit Bullet Vibe — $65.00

The name is apt, as this toy has rabbit ears like that type of vibe, but it doesn’t have the insertable portion, which makes it a bullet. What makes this product stand out to me is that it takes a dual approach to the clitoris, touching it on either side. However, this toy’s vibrations are strong enough, even on the lowest setting, for this vibe to feel like it’s paying attention to the entire clit at once.

It’s a petite vibrator (only about five inches long) that comes in two colors: purple or teal. It’s also rechargeable and allows you an hour and a half of use time when you charge it for an hour. Like other clit stimulators on this list, this clit massager is made of silicone, is waterproof, and is rechargeable with a micro USB. Some reviewers have noted that this product’s vibrations are more on the gentle side. This can be great for beginners or for folks who want less stimulation. If, however, you’re looking for something that’s mighty, you may want to keep looking.

Pros:

• Small and portable
• Rabbit ears provide all-around pleasure
• Waterproof

Cons:

• Very gentle vibrations
• Expensive

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Happy Rabbit, Mini Ears Rechargeable Clitoral Vibrator — $60.00

I guess rabbit vibrators are all adorable because this pick from Happy Rabbit is knock-your-socks-off cute. Sure, it’s only available in that hot pink hue that’s characteristic of sex toys, but it also has so many cool features. For example, it features three speeds and nine distinct patterns, which you can control with the power button on the front of the toy. It also has a travel lock so that your bag isn’t accidentally rumbling in the carry-on compartment.

Perhaps the most impressive attribute of this vibe is that it’s not just waterproof; it’s fully submersible, meaning you can use it in the bath. One reviewer says this is one of their favorite toys: “I got this toy as part of a bundle and didn’t think I’d love this quite so much! After using it for the first time, I now reach for it whenever I want a toy just for clitoral stimulation.”

Pros:

• Easy to grip
• Waterproof and fully submersible
• Soft and plush

Cons:

• Unique charger can be tricky to use

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Racial inequity insidiously constricts the sex lives of People of the Global Majority (PGM)—that is, people of color who make up around 80 percent of the world’s population, but often remain marginalized in the U.S. and other colonized places. That isn’t to say that PGM are having bad sex, and that everyone else is having good sex, but racism adds seen and unseen barriers to realizing the full potential of our sexual selves. As a psychologist, sexologist, and professor who studies sexual wellness and liberation, I’ve found in research that I’ve conducted that so much is true—and needs attention in order to change.

The impact of racism on sex and sexuality

For many Asian, Black, Indigenous, and Latinx people, sexual stereotypes have often been central to their marginalization. From fetishizing stereotypes of Asian women as sexually subservient and emasculating Asian men based on stereotypes about their genitalia, to the sexual violence enacted upon Indigenous people at the founding of the United States and beyond, the legacy of racism scripts our sex lives.

Many PGM cultures exert a lot of energy engaging in sexual reputation management out of fears that they’ll confirm sexual stereotypes that exist about their racial group. This often looks like adopting sexual attitudes and behaviors in order to fit in with white-dominated societal expectations, rather than honoring one’s personal desires or beliefs. Some of these sexual reputation management strategies can become shaming and harmful, such as calling Black girls “fast” essentially for entering puberty earlier than girls of other racial groups.

The impact of racism on sex and sexuality goes far beyond stereotypes and is in fact baked into how our society is structured.

But the impact of racism on PGM sex and sexuality goes far beyond stereotypes and is in fact baked into how our society is structured. One study suggests that chronic burden from social determinants of health—meaning the environmental conditions that affect health, like having safe housing—based on racist policies negatively impact sexual desire. We have yet to discover more concretely how these racial inequities relate to or cause other sexual problems.

But as a sex-positive scientist who studies these issues, I do have some theories. For example, the ability for Black women like me to prioritize sex may be impacted by how much time they spend commuting to and from work. Research suggests Black women have the longest commutes of everyone, averaging eight minutes more per trip than their white counterparts. This is partially due to racialized neighborhood segregation that persists, despite changing laws, which keeps people of color living far away from where they work.

As a highly educated professor, I am not exempt. My commute is 75 minutes each way, because I want to live in an area that is more racially diverse than the university town where I work. Although I don’t mind the drive, during which I listen to audiobooks and music to decompress, these two-and-a-half hours could also be time for sexual intimacy, and it isn’t a matter of priority.

Since the average length of a sexual encounter is around 24 minutes, the 16-minute commute time difference that Black women typically face could be the difference between sex and no sex that day.

Even worse, due to racial biases, Black and Latinx women are often relegated to lower-wage, higher-stress roles at work, especially those in health care where over one in five Black women work. Stress at work contributes to lower sexual desire, and may make it even harder for some women to want to prioritize their sex lives.

For Black and Latinx men, who are disproportionately excluded from employment, particularly high-wage jobs, the hip-hop expression “Broke boys don’t deserve no kitty” echoes intersecting gendered, racist, and classist sentiments. According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, Black ($1,270/week) and Latino ($1,353/week) men in management and professional jobs (the highest job class) still earned considerably less than white ($1,622/week) and Asian ($1,904/week) and men in the same occupational groups—making it clearly unfair to assign sexual worthiness based on income. Men who internalize that perspective may have lower sexual self-esteem, or come to believe that they have to “prove themselves” sexually just to matter.

This can create performance anxieties tied to what I call “pornographic perfectionism”—the idea that people with marginalized identities (race, class, gender, sexual ID, etc.) have to be a perfect sex partner, defined by unrealistic porn standards—especially if that partner holds more privilege. For sexual partners of men of the global majority, it can also constrict their ability to enthusiastically consent, as they may buy into the idea that men of color already have to deal with so much in the world, so they don’t need added rejection at home. Obligatory sex is rarely good sex.

How to flip the (racist) script defining our sex lives

Despite these standing racial injustices, in a survey of nearly 500 Black people, my colleagues and I found that they reported high sexual pleasure at the last sexual encounter. Our findings point to the resilience of PGM, but we should not have to over-rely on Black resilience when we could address the actual problem: all levels of racism and other forms of oppression.

How we gauge good sex matters in this discussion. Some people conflate good sex with having an orgasm and pleasure. These are definitely components, but they’re not the full story. Other people consider how often you have sex the ultimate criteria. Again, it can be one of them, but not the totality, because different people prefer more or less sex. Good sex is multifaceted, and each person should have agency to define it for themselves, as long as it’s consensual.

Eradicating racial inequity is as much a policy thing—changing the guidelines, laws, and hidden practices that govern our behaviors—as it is a human relations thing.

At the core, racial inequity (and sexism, classism, heterosexism, all the isms, really) complicates that agency of sexual self-definition. When the media, education systems, and political figures are working overtime to sexually define you, it can be hard to tune out the noise and define yourself. It also exacerbates the consequences of not-so-good sex (painful, unpleasurable, or obligatory sex that often reduces sexual desire). That is, when you can’t define good sex for yourself, then it’s hard to communicate what it is to your partners.

Eradicating racial inequity is as much a policy thing—changing the guidelines, laws, and hidden practices that govern our behaviors—as it is a human-relations thing. As an advocate of sexual liberation and income equality, you can ask about how pay increase decisions are made at your work. You can attend city-council meetings or read minutes to understand how neighborhoods in your city may be racially organized. But, you can also begin with examining the stereotypes you hold about PGM, even if you are one. Do you buy into myths about penis size or sexual prowess? Were you raised with the idea that people who rely on the state or government for their housing or food should not be allowed to enjoy sex or pleasure?

Our answers to these questions influence the judgments we make about ourselves and others, and all of us suffer sexually—albeit in different ways—under the racist scripts we were socialized in. PGM, like all humans, are worthy of good sex. So much of our work in modern liberation movements have addressed these structures I’ve named, and seeing how they impact our sex lives is another avenue of intervention. My work is to ensure my research considers the full picture, so that when PGM seek support to enrich their sex lives, practitioners really understand what they’re up against. Prioritizing sex is important, and advocating for racial equity is just as sex positive as celebrating body acceptance and kinkiness.

To get clearer about what sex therapy actually entails—and whether it’s right for you—we spoke with two New York City-based sex therapists. Read on to learn about what sex therapy is really like.

What is a sex therapist?

Sex therapy falls under the general umbrella of mental health care. What sets it apart from other forms of therapy is its focus on sex-related issues. If you and your partner are experiencing intimacy issues, talking with someone who specializes in this area can provide clarity on how to address it.

“I normalize clients’ sexual challenges because it is so taboo to talk about—but we are all struggling with similar sexual challenges.” —Carolanne Marcantonio, LCSW, SIFI, CST

“All sex therapists are first and foremost therapists with additional training that makes them sex therapists,” says sex therapist Carolanne Marcantonio, LCSW, SIFI, CST. “You’re seeing someone who, after getting their master’s degree, has spent many more years of their life dedicated to understanding pain disorders—such as vaginismus, dyspareunia, vulvodynia—erectile unpredictability; premature ejaculation; trauma; discrepancy in sexual desires, gender and sexuality.” Some therapists also specialize in working with specific populations, like LGBTQ+ folks or people who are Black, Indigenous, and people of color (BIPOC), and some have experience with specific sexual practices, like polyamory, kink, and more.

One of the biggest aspects of being a sex therapist? Destigmatizing sex and many of the larger issues that are associated with it. “As a sex therapist, there’s a lot of psychoeducation and sex education that clients have to learn because of the inadequate information about sex in other spaces. I also normalize clients’ sexual challenges because it is so taboo to talk about—but we are all struggling with similar sexual challenges,” says Nikita Fernandes, MHC-LP, a psychotherapist and sex therapist.

Fernandes says another key part of sex therapy for many people is learning to feel comfortable with your own body and who you are. “People can start to build a better relationship with their body so that they can feel more empowered in sexual spaces.”

As is true with any mental health practitioner, sex therapists are often seeing people at their most vulnerable. Being open to the process of therapy, and what you may learn about yourself and your partner, can help make the act of going to sex therapy more meaningful.

The 4 most common issues that come up in sex therapy

Fernandes and Marcantonio say that there are four issues people that come up most often with clients in their practices:

• Discrepancy in sexual desire (aka one person desires sex a lot more or a lot less than their partner(s))
• Exploring opening up their relationship
• Reclaiming sexuality after coming from a conservative religious background
• Low sexual self-esteem

These challenges can occur in almost any relationship, and if they are impacting your sex life or your relationship, having a professional weigh in can be a great move.

With regard to treating “discrepancy in sexual desire, we talk about how intimacy and sex was in the beginning of the relationship,” says Marcantonio, as an example. “Has it always been like this or did it change? If it changed, what happened before it changed?” Her clients build a timeline and better understanding of the challenge before taking steps to address it. “No one should ever feel pressured to have sex, and no one should have sex because they feel like they should when they don’t want to,” she says.

“When it comes to libido discrepancies, it is important for people to communicate with their sexual partners about how they are feeling,” adds Fernandes.

“For exploring opening up a relationship, we talk about how each person feels about this. Are they on the same page, or is it different?” says Marcantonio. “We want to make sure there’s a good solid foundation in the relationship and continue to build an understanding of each person’s wants, needs, and desires around what this would look like if they didn’t open up their relationship.”

Of course, the four above-mentioned concerns are just a few common examples of what brings people to sex therapy. There could be many other reasons why a person would want to work with a sex therapist that are just as valid, like addressing sexual trauma, struggling with gender identity or sexual orientation, or pain during sex.

What to do if you’re interested in trying sex therapy

If you’re curious about trying out sex therapy, both Fernandes and Marcantonio suggest setting up a consultation with a therapist. This is like a get-to-know you visit where you meet the therapist and give them an overview of what you’re hoping to address in therapy—and learn a bit more about their approach, style, and manner. These are generally fairly quick, and typically won’t cost you anything right off the bat.

You can also ask a prospective therapist some preliminary questions before deciding to move forward. Important ones, depending on your needs or experiences, might include: “What is your experience working with LGBTQ people?” “How knowledgeable are you about treating the issues I have brought up today?” and “What’s your typical fee per session?”

Once therapy starts, your partitioner might give you some reading to learn more. Some books that Fernandes and Marcantonio suggest include Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski, PhD; Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine, MD, and Rachel Heller; and Sex Outside the Lines by Chris Donaghue, PhD.

While some people feel more comfortable than others discussing sex with a therapist, remember that having open and honest conversations as being open to learning about what works for you sexually can go a long way. “Allow curiosity to lead the way before making any decisions that are set in stone,” says Fernandes.

First off: Is it safe to have anal sex with IBS?

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all-asses answer. Why? Because IBS itself does not present the same amongst all people who have it, explains Daniel O’Shaughnessy, an award-winning nutritionist and author of Naked Nutrition, an LGBTQ+ guide to diet and lifestyle.

“Generally speaking, it is safe to have anal sex if you have IBS and your symptoms are under control,” says Elena A. Ivanina, DO, MPH Director of Neurogastroenterology and Motility with Lenox Hill Hospital. However, if someone is currently experiencing symptoms—such as pain, uncontrolled diarrhea, bloating, or abdominal cramping—then they should see a gastroenterologist to come up with a care plan for their condition before anal play, she says.

Okay, but am I more likely to poop during anal if I have IBS?

“No, you’re not necessarily more likely to poop during anal sex if you have IBS,” says general surgeon Evan Goldstein, DO, a doctor in New York City who specializes in anal care and the founder of Bespoke Surgical and Future Method.

Poop is not stored in the anal canal, it merely passes through it, he explains. It’s technically stored higher up in the body in a section of the large intestine called the rectum, which is separated from the anal canal with a muscle called the internal anal sphincter.

Typically, Dr. Goldstein says, this muscle only releases to let poop pass through the canal after your brain has sent your body that “I have to poop” signal (you know the one!). So, unless you ignore the “TOILET NOW” message from your brain, the odds of you pooping during anal sex is very rare—and that stands for people with or without IBS. “If you have IBS you don’t need to be afraid of pooping during anal play unless you are experiencing a bout of IBS-related symptoms,” he says.

In actuality, people with IBS may be less likely to make a mess during anal, according to Dr. Goldstein. “Many people with GI conditions are more in tune with their bodies than the average population, so they know what their body can and cannot handle,” he says. Hey, they don’t call it a gut instinct for nothing.

Still, anal may not be for everyone with IBS because of pain

Poop isn’t the only potential side effect of having anal sex with IBS. Sadly, there’s also the potential for pain. While there is a common misconception that anal sex is “supposed” to be painful, that’s actually not the case, says Dr. Goldstein. With adequate lubrication, pre-play, and anal training, receptive anal play should not be painful, he says. However, pain may not be avoidable for people with IBS for a few different reasons.

It’s common for people with IBS to have uber-tight anal sphincter muscles, says Dr. Goldstein. (Medically this is known as concomitant pelvic floor dysfunction). “When people spend their day fearing that they’re going to need to use the bathroom or have an accident, they end up squeezing their pelvic floors (which includes their anal sphincter muscles) all day long,” he explains. This consistent clenching can leave your sphincter muscles in a state of constant-contraction, which makes your hole so small and tight that penetration is simply not possible (even with a beginner butt plug).

Receptive anal sex can also be painful or uncomfortable if you’ve been going to the bathroom a lot, says Dr. Goldstein. “Going often can leave your hole sore, and in some instances chaffed from the toilet paper,” he says. If your stools were hard or especially hard to pass, it’s possible that you have collected microtears along the delicate anal tissues, he says. As you may have guessed, having papercut-like rips inside your anal canal can make anal sex feel very stingy, he says. Ouch!

What about douching before having anal sex with IBS?

ICYDK: An anal douche is a power wash for your anal canal. Anal douching involves pumping water (or a special solution) into the anal canal with a lightbulb-shaped bulb to rinse your rear clean of any lingering residue, explains Dr. Goldstein. This is a pre-sex step that can help boost confidence, he says, but it certainly isn’t necessary—even if you have IBS.

If you do douche, however, Dr. Goldstein recommends doing so with something called an isotonic liquid solution (like the Future Method Disposable Rectal Wash), which just means a liquid that has the same pressure and composition as the liquid in your cells—the fluids in IVs, for example, are isotonic. Using plain water, he explains, can mess with your anal microbiome and increase your risk for microtears from either pooping or penetration. “You also don’t want to over-douche,” says Dr. Goldstein. “If you use too much liquid or rinse too many cycles, you risk causing yourself unwanted GI symptoms like bloating and gas, which mirror the symptoms of IBS.” So follow the instructions on your anal douche carefully.

Exactly how to have anal sex with IBS

1. Talk to your doctor

Before you consider having anal with IBS, talk to your healthcare provider, suggest O’Shaughnessy. If you’re already diagnosed with IBS, odds are you have a go-to gastroenterologist who has helped you come up with a management plan. So, ring ‘em up and ask them if it’s safe for you to have anal, given your crop of symptoms, he says. No need to be shy—trust, they’ve heard it all.

2. Eat mindfully

As a general rule, what you eat when you have IBS is important. Well, it’s arguably even more important if you have IBS and are planning to enjoy receptive anal. You shouldn’t edit your diet without consulting your gastroenterologist, says O’Shaughnessy. But as a general rule, “you want to avoid consuming too much fat or too much caffeine ahead of anal play,” he says. Both can stimulate the gut and increase risk of unexpected and unwanted bowel movements.

Adding fiber and probiotic supplements to your daily routine can also help reduce the chances of an accident during anal sex, notes Dr. Goldstein. “Fiber is helpful because it bulks your stool and encourages complete bowel emptying, while probiotics help encourage a healthier digestive system overall.”

3. Don’t douche…during anal masturbation

“Most of us—even those of us with IBS—are actually ready at the drop of our pants to engage in anal sex, without having to do any douche to prepare,” says Dr. Goldstein. But if you’d like to have a trial run before testing out anal with a partner, not using a douche while you masturbate will allow you to see just how “ready” you actually are without a douche, he explains, adding that this should give you the confidence to have anal without douching first during any partnered play later on.

4. Boycott wet wipes

Anal play in your future or not, Dr. Goldstein recommends staying away from wet wipes. Wiping with wet wipes, he explains, can mess with the anal microbiome, cause irritation, and bacterial infection. If you have IBS, these additional peach problems can make anal sex even less comfy.

5. Dilate

If your sphincter is more uptight than Brett and Marshall in the latest season of Love Is Blind, anal dilation exercises may help. “Using anal dilators can help stretch the skin and muscle in the anal area, as well as train you to relax those muscles” says Dr. Goldstein. Together, this can make anal entry more comfortable.

“The best part is the time commitment is nominal,” he says. “Just three to five minutes per session, two to three times a week is adequate to see major change.” You can even do it in the shower, which makes for easy clean-up!

6. Have a poop plan

Despite your best efforts, there is always some chance shit will happen. So, if you’re going to have anal  O’Shaughnessy says it’s best to expect the best but prepare for the worst. In practice, this looks like talking to your partner about the possibility ahead of play, keeping a towel within reach, and doing it on a blanket you don’t care about.

According to sex therapist Vanessa Marin, LMFT, everyone is a little different in terms of how they like to initiate sex (if at all) and what kinds of sex initiation styles they find, well, sexy. For example, physical cues, like a soft caress or a hand on a lower back, or a verbal mention of sex may be a turn-on to one person and a turn-off to another.

After talking with clients and conducting polls, Marin identified six common sex initiation styles, all of which are detailed below and in her book Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life. These distinct categories, though certainly not inclusive of every possible way to initiate sex, can help you better understand how you want someone to approach sex with you and to communicate that in order to really get those sparks flying.

Why it’s worth identifying your specific sex initiation style

The basic idea behind the six different sex initiation styles, Marin says, is to make people more excited and empowered to initiate sex; if you have a good idea of how you and a partner like to initiate sex, you can then do so in a way that improves your sexual experiences and makes you more likely to look forward to sex.

This may be especially beneficial in long-term partnerships, which are subject to what sex therapist and neuroscientist Nan Wise, PhD, calls the “desire curve:” After the honeymoon period wears off—taking the libido-boosting “new relationship energy” with it—your desire for sex with your partner tends to dip, at least a little bit. Pair that with the stress of things like cohabitating and coparenting, which are more common in long-term relationships, and sex can fall even further to the back burner.

When sex becomes less of a regular experience in a relationship, understanding how to initiate it effectively becomes all the more important for actually having it. Unfortunately, Marin says, many couples aren’t very direct about what they want or how they’d like a partner to get things going, and can’t articulate exactly how their partner would like them to initiate, either. The result? Initiating sex gets confusing or tiresome, which just leads you to have even less of it. “It could be that you’re just grabbing at each other, or you’re trying to give each other a signal, but the other person is just not picking up on it,” she says.

That’s where understanding your sex initiation style comes into play. Knowing exactly how you like sex to be approached and communicating that with a partner can help bridge the initiation gap and make sex a more seamless, frequent experience in your relationship.

“When we’re initiating sex, we want our partner to say, ‘Yes,’ which is why it’s helpful to appeal to them in a way that feels welcome and exciting.”—Vanessa Marin, LMFT, sex therapist

While not everyone will subscribe to just one of Marin’s sex initiation styles, the idea is to create a starting point for a conversation about what welcome and pleasurable initiation looks like to you and to a partner. Naturally, these answers might not be the same—but that’s totally okay, she says.

The key here is to identify each person’s sex initiation style (or version of a style), so that both of you can initiate sex in a way that’s pleasurable to your partner. “When we’re initiating sex, we want our partner to say, ‘Yes,’ which is why it’s helpful to appeal to them in a way that feels welcome and exciting—and not like a bother or an annoyance,” says Marin.

6 sex initiation styles, according to a sex therapist

1. “Excite me”

The people who identify with this sex initiation style want sex to be an event they can look forward to and get excited about in advance. Marin says drawing out the anticipation of sex is part of the reward here. “Initiation for these folks is a slow burn,” she says.

Scheduling sex may really resonate for people who have this initiation style, as will “teasing looks and knowing touches” to get them going, says Marin. These folks also typically enjoy openly talking about having sex, as a way to ramp up their mental excitement for it.

2. “Take care of me”

People who fall in this bucket need to feel fully safe with and nurtured by a partner before they get busy. Especially if they’ve had a stressful day, they’ll want to be cared for by a partner in order to get in the right headspace to be intimate. To be sure, that doesn’t have to be a huge lift; even a partner offering to do a couple chores or errands could do the trick, says Marin.

“You have a hard time closing all the tabs in your brain and shifting into sexy mode, so you appreciate when your partner takes over and gives you a few minutes of time for yourself beforehand,” says Marin, of people who resonate with this initiation style.

3.”Play with me”

Sex is at its best for people with this initiation style when it’s fun and light-hearted. “The fastest way to get into your pants is to make you laugh,” says Marin, of folks who fall into this camp. “You don’t want sex to feel serious all the time, and your partner definitely does not need to seduce you.”

Inside jokes signaling that it’s time for sex—for example, sending each other a specific emoji via text or cueing up a particular song—are good ways to get things going with people who enjoy making play an element of sex.

4. “Desire me”

Someone with this sex initiation style needs to feel their partner’s clear and unwavering desire for them and know, deep down, that they’re wanted and needed. “It’s an intensity of emotion that they’re looking for,” says Marin. This might include explicitly telling them how badly you want and need them to get their engine revving.

5. “Connect with me”

This type of person needs some version of emotional connection before physical connection can get started, says Marin. “If you just touch them, or you try to pull some sort of physically sexy move, they likely won’t respond to that because they want to feel emotionally intimate with you first.” This might just look like asking about their day (and really listening to the response) or choosing to put your phone down and engage in a fully present conversation.

6. “Touch me”

By contrast to the last initiation type, this one refers to the kind of person who will respond well to physical touch (with their consent). Words aren’t the best method to initiate with someone who identifies with this style. “You like [your partner] to appeal to your body first,” Marin says, of a person in this bucket.

This is someone who will respond well to passionate touching, such as surprise kisses and back rubs. “For this person, it’s not so much about feeling desired by a partner,” says Marin. “It’s more about feeling like their partner is willing to put the time into awakening their body.”

A two-in-one sex toy, this vaginal pleasure product doesn’t just buzz. Thanks to six weighted balls inside its body that wiggle and jiggle with the press of a button, it also pulsates, giving way to a super-unique sensation. After taking the bounce for a whirl, I’m convinced most pleasure-seekers would benefit from doing the same. Below, find my honest review of the Bounce Vibe from Cake.

Bounce Vibe — $56.00

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What’s buzzy about the Bounce Vibe from Cake

Encased in six inches of the turquoise, medical-grade silicone, the caterpillar-y looking Bounce Vibe holds six weighted balls that can shift within the toy, which can lead to several unique pleasure-rich sensations.

In vibrator mode, these balls move subtly inside the sheath while it vibrates, doubly-stimulating your internal hot spots, like the G-zone. Meanwhile, in thrust mode, the balls rock forward-and-back, which in action feels like a stroking finger. For the vulva-owners who get off from internal stimulation, as well as those who are interested in exploring G-spot, A-spot, or blended orgasms, this technology renders Bounce a winner.

For the vulva-owners who get off from internal stimulation, as well as those who are interested in exploring G-spot, A-spot, or blended orgasms, Bounce’s technology render it a winner.

It bears mentioning that neither thrusting toys nor toys with weighted balls are new to the market. Fun Factory has been making toys that thrust (like Stronic G, $170)) as well as dildos with weighted balls (like Bouncer, $100) since the early aughts. Likewise, b-vibe uses weighted balls inside its Snug Plug ($125) anal plug line.

Cake, however, is trailblazing in the pleasure industry by combining the two technologies into one toy. And despite being the first of its kind, at $56, the Bounce Vibe remains more accessible than its industry competitors that start at $100.

My experience with Bounce Vibe

I’m not usually one to play with internal stimulation while I masturbate. Why? Well, I have a two-minute routine that takes me straight from zero to sleep-inducing orgasm. But, I do enjoy being fingered by a well-manicured partner from time-to-time. So, when I learned the Bounce Vibe might be able to pleasure the same erogenous zones as a hand job might, my interest piqued.

I shut my dog out of my room, stripped to skivvies, popped in my earbuds, and blasted Russ. Once my brain stopped fixating on my grocery list and my body began to pulse with desire, I lathered the Bounce Vibe with water-based lubricant, and brought it between my legs.

At about the girth of two-and-a-half fingers, the Bounce Vibe is thicker than either the phalanges or phalluses that typically pass go and collect $200 from me. So, rather than muscling it inside, I let the toy rest at my vaginal opening. Each time the balls bounced around inside the toy, the toy stimulated the area. Soon enough, I felt my nerve endings deep inside my vaginal canal beg for stimulation.

I obliged, and then I orgasmed. Yes, it happened as quickly as that sentence structure implies. I was pleasantly surprised.

So, is Cake’s Bounce Vibe for me?

Benefits

If you enjoy vaginal penetration, then yes. Meaning, if you enjoy fingering, penetrative sex, or like an internal stimulator during your solo sessions, the Bounce Vibe should become your new nightstand standby. After all, the toy is specifically designed to electrify every nerve ending inside your vagina, and it does so effectively and efficiently.

Potential drawbacks

As far as critical considerations for the tool, while most vaginal vibrators can also be used for clitoral stimulation, the Bounce Vibe isn’t as adept at external stimulation as it is for internal. So, it’s not the best pick for people who prefer climaxing from clitoral stimulation. When I tried it externally, the vibrations the Bounce produces did feel good, but because the toy doesn’t have a handle or a non-vibrating component, my hand that was holding the toy went numb before I was able to have a second orgasm. (Though to be clear, yes, that does mean it awarded me one noteworthy clitoral O.)

In addition to not featuring a handle, it also doesn’t have a flared base, which means that it’s not safe for anal play. As such, it’s a suboptimal option for people looking for an anal-stimulation toy, or a two-in-one vaginal-and-anal stimulator. (Cake does offer great anal-play tools, including the Tush Pops ($32) or Buzzy Butt ($42).)

Still, I circle back to the cost. The Bounce Vibe from Cake is a mere quarter of the cost of many luxury vibrators on the market. As such, it’s a great option for people who want to sexperiment with new kinds of sensations. As far as sex is concerned, after all, you never really know unless you try.

When my husband James and I first got together eight years ago, it was in a monogamous relationship. But after we built a loving, trusting partnership—one that alleviated the emotional baggage I carried from a prior abusive relationship—I found that I was able to access parts of myself that I’d previously closed off. I discovered that I was a cuckquean (a woman who is aroused by her partner having an affair with another woman) and that I wanted to open up our relationship.

The idea of James sleeping with other women drove me mad with jealousy, and yet that jealousy felt so intensely good. The best way to describe this experience is that, because I felt emotionally secure within my relationship, I could sit in the fiery sensation that jealousy conjures without burning alive; it warmed and exhilarated me rather than consuming me.

The prospect of actually engaging in this fantasy, however, sparked loud, conflicting voices in my head. One voice promised that this lifestyle would make our relationship all the more fulfilling, while the other warned of the opposite. I was fighting with myself, but one feeling remained consistent: I loved James, and I also wanted to explore pleasure beyond ourselves.

Over the past four-plus years together, we’ve done just that, carefully weighing the pros and cons of non-monogamy and crafting a version of it that suits us both. The process has been a gateway to personal and relationship growth and enhanced pleasure. But it certainly hasn’t always been easy or linear.

Mainstream society tends to reinforce a primarily monogamous relationship structure and offers little guidance on anything outside of it, much less the nuanced feelings that non-monogamy can spark.

I’ve noticed non-monogamy becoming increasingly popular, but even so, mainstream society tends to reinforce a primarily monogamous relationship structure that offers little guidance on anything outside of that, much less the nuanced feelings that non-monogamy can spark. Below, I share how I’ve learned to navigate the fear and jealousy that can arise with non-monogamy and the advice I offer clients who aim to do the same.

5 tips to manage fear and jealousy when embracing non-monogamy with a partner

1. Discuss both the upsides of non-monogamy and of your individual relationship

Clear communication is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship, but it is especially important when you’re aiming to open up a relationship or fundamentally change its structure. By talking candidly about why you have the desire for a particular version of non-monogamy or a monogamish relationship with a partner, you also have the chance to address the what-ifs, which can help quell fears that arise naturally because of what is still unknown.

Here are a few questions that my husband and I considered when we discussed opening our relationship:

• What sides of non-monogamy interested me? And why?
• Was he interested in a monogamish relationship? If so, why?
• What were our biggest fears when it came to embracing non-monogamy?
• What role would each of us play?
• What boundaries needed to be established?

In figuring out how you and a partner could both stand to benefit from non-monogamy, it’s equally important to reiterate what you value in the relationship you share with each other, according to sex and intimacy coach Rebekah Beneteau. “Maybe you two nest and co-parent really well together, but sexually you’re both dominant,” she says. “You may then want to get that need met somewhere else, while still recognizing that you have these other terrific connection points.”

The clear recognition that your current monogamous relationship has real value can help mitigate some of the natural fear and jealousy that can come with inviting others into the fold.

2. Define how you’ll each continue to be included in each other’s pleasure

When my husband and I were first embracing non-monogamy, I felt jealousy at the realization that I would no longer be the singular or even primary source of his sexual pleasure.

Beneteau defines this type of jealousy with an equation: turn-on + exclusion. “You don’t get jealous if your husband is doing their taxes with someone else,” she says, of exclusion without the turn-on.

Because our version of non-monogamy would involve sex acts with others, the antidote to jealousy was in figuring out how we could reduce feelings of exclusion and continue to be included in each other’s pleasure, both sexually and otherwise. This involved adopting the fundamental understanding that love and sex aren’t innately or always connected, and setting clear boundaries around our sexual relationships with others, so each of us felt included in those decisions.

3. Use self-reflection to examine the true source of your fears around non-monogamy

Typically, pain and fear are survival mechanisms that spring from perceived threat. The important thing to note, though, is that many of our perceptions of threat in relationships aren’t rooted in actual danger so much as they are in societal conditioning around monogamy—that “real” love is monogamous love, that we should search for “the one,” or that we should be able to have all our needs met by one person.

Many of our perceptions of threat in relationships aren’t rooted in actual danger so much as they are in societal conditioning around monogamy.

By taking “an intellectual look at the fears we feel [surrounding non-monogamy],” or following them with an objective lens, we can determine whether they’re actually true to us or are just stemming from the monogamous narratives that have been imparted onto us (and no longer serve us), says sociologist and relationship consultant Elisabeth “Eli” Scheff, PhD.

To do that, try implementing a self-reflection practice, such as journaling, to track your fears to their cores, and decide whether or not they have real merit. Understanding that the root of my fears around non-monogamy was in the societal narratives I once harbored has helped liberate me from those stories—and it could do the same for you.

4. Take small steps toward non-monogamy

Trial and error can feel intimidating when it comes to transitioning a monogamous relationship into a non-monogamous one—which is why gradual steps are key to success. Here are a few exercises from my personal tool kit to help you test the waters when you’re managing feelings of fear and jealousy:

1. People-watch with your partner with the intention of sharing whom you find attractive.
2. Have an ethical porn date during which you watch porn and play together or separately (be it in different rooms or through mutual masturbation).
3. Explore online dating apps, either as a couple or separately. Start by chatting only, increasing engagement as you both see fit.

These items are meant to be entry-level actions you can take, with low emotional risk, to gauge how each of you feel when your partner is thinking about or engaging with someone else. The point is to communicate at every stage what works and what doesn’t so you can either continue forward or recalibrate accordingly. This way, you don’t risk accidentally pushing things too far too quickly in a way that leaves one or both partners feeling hurt.

5. Remember that *you* are always your primary partner

Being your own primary partner means “you are not willing to lose yourself for the sake of any relationship, and that anybody coming into your space just has the power to enhance it and bring something juicy, new, and fun,” says Beneteau.

What I love about this concept is that it shifts the focus from feelings of fear and potential inadequacy to individual empowerment.

The structure of your relationship has less to do with the success of it than the quality of the relationship itself.

When my husband and I transitioned from monogamous to monogamish, I navigated some frustration. I could feel that this was the right path for me, and yet, I was terrified of the consequences. What I learned, however, is what you bring to a relationship—trust, honesty, communication, love, respect—will best determine the longevity of that partnership and how satisfied you are within it (not whether it’s monogamous or non-monogamous or somewhere in-between).

As a result, it’s especially important to tend to your relationship with yourself if you find that you’re facing fear and jealousy in the pursuit of non-monogamy. “The relationship you have with yourself is foundational in how you move through the world,” says Beneteau.

One way to strengthen that relationship to self is to set your own pleasure as your compass. By reflecting on your desires for non-monogamy and following the path that you believe will bring you the most pleasure—even in the face of your fears—you’ll move toward your authentic self and a more fulfilling relationship, too. The journey will likely involve ample communication and trial-and-error, but remembering that it’s ultimately all in the name of your pleasure can help mitigate emotional setbacks and make it that much more rewarding in the end.

The circuit metaphor is particularly apt for describing the effects of sexual assault because of the ways in which the trauma can infiltrate your whole system. “It isn’t just something that happened to our bodies; it isn’t just something that happened to our brains,” says Eborn. “It is all-encompassing.”

“It’s not that you’re broken, but you have to navigate yourself in a new way.” —Jimanekia Eborn, trauma-informed sex educator

That reality can make it easy to feel like you’re broken. But the switchboard isn’t dead; it’s more accurate to say it needs some reconfiguring. “Sometimes, I have days where my body feels very disconnected from me, or I feel like I’m existing at an angle,” says Eborn, of healing from her own sexual trauma. “It’s not that you’re broken, but you have to navigate yourself in a new way.”

What that path looks like will be different for every survivor, says somatic coach and restorative-justice advocate Marlee Liss. “There’s no one-size-fits-all roadmap to reclaiming your sexuality and pleasure after assault, and it isn’t a linear process either,” she says, “but I think realizing that is a really big part of the healing.”

How sexual trauma can disconnect you from the experience of pleasure and your own sexuality

Though the body can respond to trauma in a number of ways, any response is “an attempt at protecting you and helping you to feel safe,” says Liss. (And it’s helpful to see it through that lens in order to find some self-compassion if your body’s response isn’t what you’d like it to be.)

In terms of a person’s relationship to sexuality, two opposite responses are the most common, says Liss: hyposexuality and hypersexuality. The former is an aversion or fear of sex that typically looks like shutting down desires, rejecting sexual feelings, or numbing out in sexual circumstances “often so that you can feel a greater sense of control over your body and your decisions,” says Liss. It’s the body’s way of compensating for a loss of that control in the past.

The latter, however, is a compulsion toward sex, when “someone hyper-sexualizes themselves more than their typical amount, perhaps because they’ve internalized sexual objectification that’s been imposed upon them or because they’re trying to deny or minimize the reality of the trauma they’ve experienced,” says Liss.

This hypersexualization response may make it seem, on the surface, as if the person has fully learned how to reclaim their sexuality after assault when, in reality, they’re sexualizing themselves purely as a result of trauma, and not because they’re in tune with their body or seeking pleasure.

It’s also possible for sexuality to ebb and flow post-trauma. “Perhaps, one day, all the switches on your circuit are off, and you just want to stay in bed all day, and the next, they’re all on, and you’re craving a sexual experience,” says Eborn. “I think there’s so much shame and blame placed on both sides [of that spectrum] that people struggle figuring out where they fall. But in a healing journey, there’s room for all of it.”

The key to reconnecting with an honest expression of your sexuality after trauma is to be able to observe the way your body responds to different sensory inputs and then listen to its cues.

The key to reconnecting with an honest expression of your sexuality after trauma is to be able to observe the way your body responds to different sensory inputs and then listen to its cues. “Our bodies are constantly telling us in many different ways whether we’re feeling safe, whether we’re feeling unsafe,” says Liss. But when you go into a hyposexual or hypersexual state, or enter another kind of trauma response, it’s easy to miss those cues, she says.

Learning how to turn back toward your own body’s senses and sensations, notice them, and value your right to feel however you feel is the core process of sexual reclamation.

5 strategies that can help you learn how to reclaim your sexuality after assault

1. Release yourself from shame and blame

While it may seem obvious that the survivor of sexual assault is never to blame, the reality is that trauma can get twisted in retrospect.

“There’s a lot of shame that can come with experiencing sexual assault,” says Eborn. And when you consider that the brain is our biggest sex organ, it’s no wonder that holding onto all that shame can distance you from sexual pleasure. “If you’re constantly thinking, ‘This is my fault,’ or ‘I could’ve prevented this,’ it’ll be very difficult to reclaim your sexuality,” says Eborn.

Her advice? Remember that shame is a feeling put upon you by other people, other things, or other circumstances. “Instead of owning that shame as yours, think about it like, ‘This feeling is not mine, and it’s not of my creation,’” says Eborn. Yes, you have to deal with it now, she qualifies, but the important thing to remember is, you didn’t ask for or deserve this.

2. Take yourself on pleasure-focused “self dates”

It’s essential to carve out solo time on your calendar that’s designated just for your pleasure while you’re on the journey of learning how to reclaim your sexuality after assault. Eborn and Liss both call these pockets of time “self dates.” They can be any length of time—whether three minutes or 60, depending on what you can swing—and the only rule is that you use the time to feel good.

Notably, that means you’re not going into these self dates with a particular goal to accomplish or sexual act to achieve. “I think that there can be this kind of capitalist, productive approach to healing from sexual trauma that’s like, ‘I need to be okay again, and I need to be like I was with sexuality, and I need to get there by tomorrow,’” says Liss. “But that kind of pressure can lead us to cross our boundaries and just put ourselves in re-traumatizing places.”

Instead, the point of the self-dates is to focus purely on pleasure—and not necessarily orgasm or masturbation or even anything sexual at all. While you certainly can use the time for a solo sex session, you might also use it to take a hot bath, dance with reckless abandon, or savor a piece of pizza.

“Ask yourself, ‘What would bring me pleasure right now?’ or, ‘What would allow me to connect with 1 percent more pleasure right now?'” —Marlee Liss, somatic coach and sex educator

To figure out which route to go, Liss says to ask yourself the deceivingly simple (yet often overlooked) question, “What would bring me pleasure right now?” Or, if that feels too inaccessible, even just, “What would allow me to connect with 1 percent more pleasure, or peace, or comfort right now?”

This practice can help increase your awareness of your own body and senses, allowing you to practice self-consent, says Liss: You’re asking yourself what would feel good, and then you’re acting upon that, which is a beautiful reclamation of power over your physical being.

Indeed, allowing yourself to answer the question honestly is a reminder of an essential truth: “You know yourself better than anyone else does, no matter what anyone tells you or tries to talk you out of or talk you into,” says Eborn.

3. Reimagine the physical or mental context you’ve created around sex

Simple changes to your environment or approach to sexual pleasure can make a world of difference in how you perceive it in the wake of trauma.

On the physical side of things, consider how you might rid your space from as many triggers as possible, says Liss. Toss any objects that take you to an uncomfortable space, remove triggering songs from playlists, adjust anxiety-provoking lighting, and the like. And at the same time, consider how you might add glimmers—aka the opposite of triggers—into your physical space. Perhaps these safety cues include a particularly calming sound or smell, or a comforting blanket.

When it comes to the mental context you’ve constructed around sex, Eborn also suggests dropping preconceived notions and starting fresh by taking the Erotic Blueprint quiz, which sexologist Jaiya Ma created. The five categories it includes—energetic, sensual, sexual, kinky, and shapeshifter—each encompasses unique sexual turn-ons (for example, soft and wispy touch for the sensual people and something that feels personally taboo for the kinky people).

“By taking the quiz, you can see what might feel connected to get you back in your body,” says Eborn. That answer certainly may have changed as a result of experiencing trauma—and that’s not a bad thing so much as something important to notice. “It’s okay if you no longer want or feel comfortable doing that one thing that was once a turn-on,” says Eborn. “There’s so much body, there are so many ways to touch it, and sex is about far more than penetration.”

4. Redefine your sexual boundaries

Part of learning how to reclaim your sexuality after assault is identifying and honoring your own sexual limits. One way to do this is by creating a Yes/No/Maybe list, says Eborn. Just like it sounds, this involves categorizing any number of different sex acts, fantasies, toys, and positions as “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe,” based on your interest (or lack thereof) in trying them.

This way, you have a reference—“a cheat sheet of sorts,” says Eborn—for what you enjoy, what you don’t, and what you’re open to exploring, which you can also share with a current or future sexual partner, if relevant. Though it might seem like TMI to share it, it’s important to remember that “most people actually want to know how to have sex with you, rather than guessing,” says Eborn.

You can also explore where your sexual boundaries fall during one of your pleasure-focused self dates, above. If you’re tuned into what feels pleasurable, you’ll also be able to better identify what doesn’t (or when something stops feeling good). “A key piece that’s easy to miss is that sometimes, the most liberating breakthrough is you being like, ‘That’s enough for today,’ and knowing where to draw a boundary,” says Liss. “That, in and of itself, can be an experience of pleasure.”

5. Know that sexual reclamation post-trauma isn’t all or nothing

In the headspace—and body-space—of healing from sexual trauma, accessing pleasure of any sort can sometimes feel like a stretch. Which is why, Liss says it’s important to remember that two things can be true: You can feel grief or sadness or pain or anger (or all of the above) about the experience of sexual assault, and you can also reclaim pleasure. “Different feelings can coexist,” says Liss, “and the journey to healing is really about allowing that coexistence to happen without denial.”

One silver lining of the pandemic is that it laid the foundation for an increased use in sex toys. While folks stayed at home, they got sexually curious and creative, whether during masturbation sessions or in the scope of partnered relationships. Industry dollars support this notion, with reports noting the sale of sex-related products having doubled or even tripled in certain countries during periods of lockdown and isolation.

As a sex therapist, I love seeing this shift. The documented rise in usage of sex toys is encouraging us to be more open with sexual discourse and general, which has a positive impact on our sexual health and wellness. Why? Well, it may start with pleasure—but that’s far from where it ends.

Pleasure is just one the benefits of using sex toys

Whether you’re a vulva-owner, penis-owner, or intersex, pleasure is the cornerstone of a healthy sex life. It’s easy to see how toys help us out here: We use them to experience the euphoric sensations we can’t quite achieve (or achieve as quickly) on our own.

If you’re thinking, Of course sex toys make you feel good, fair point. But what’s less obvious is how vital pleasure is to our overall health and well-being. It’s a common tendency to sideline the value of sex, view it as a bonus or a treat, or something to put at the bottom of our priority list when life gets busy. However, consider that research has connected sexual satisfaction to lowered levels of anxiety and depression. In that vein, it stands to reason that pleasure alone is just the tip of the iceberg of benefits of sex—and sex toys are adept at facilitating sex that is rich with pleasure.

No, sex isn’t required to dispel mental-health ailments nor should it function as an isolated strategy for restoring optimum mental health. Rather, sexual satisfaction is one important factor that stands to support overall mental health, and—crucially—can be achieved without a partner. Sexual stimulation through masturbation may help bring on similar benefits of boosting your mood, self-esteem, sleep quality, and helping to relieve stress. And because sex toys stand to make all forms of sex more enjoyable, they have a major role to play here.

Good sex is good for your body, and sex toys can help

Although pleasure is a tenet of sexual health, and sex toys are marketed primarily on their ability to derive pleasure, it’s by no means the only value they provide. Sex toys—while capable of helping users better understand their desires and better communicate with partners—can actually provide physical benefits.

Sex toys—while capable of helping users better understand their desires and better communicate with partners—can actually provide physical benefits.

To illustrate this point, consider, the vibrator. Research suggests vibration may help treat erectile dysfunction (ED) and anorgasmia, an issue common in women who experience delayed, infrequent, or absent orgasms—or significantly less-intense orgasms—after sexual arousal. Vibration has been linked to improvements in sexual function and desire, whether you have a penis or a vulva. Pelvic-floor dysfunction—the inability to correctly relax and coordinate your pelvic floor muscles, which often causes sexual problems, not to mention issues with constipation or urinary leakage—may also be helped through vibration.

Another sex-toy category—vacuum-like devices that use a hand- or battery-powered pump to create suction around your penis, clitoris, vulva, or nipples—has shown to treat and sometimes resolve such issues as ED and genital arousal disorder.

Masturbating with other toys (or just in general), may help relieve period cramps and reduce the risk of prostate cancer. Some experts advise masturbation to help with chronic concerns like joint pain or headaches—another point in favor of the ancillary benefits that come from the intense pleasure sex toys can make you feel.

As we continue talking more openly about sex, sex toys become a larger part of the conversation. Nurturing our sexuality illuminates that pleasure is attainable—and provides for health benefits, to boot. Sex toys prioritize pleasure, of course, but pleasure itself is about taking care of your sexuality—which includes your mind and your body. When toys help you experience pleasure, they help you cultivate a happier and healthier version of yourself.

But because of the many layers of prejudice with which Black women already contend, especially in medical environments and as it relates to sex, the use of “risk” to describe their status for a sexually transmitted infection isn’t supportive—but stigmatizing. And it’s for that reason that ViiV Healthcare, a pharmaceutical company solely focused on HIV and AIDS, launched “Risk to Reasons,” a philanthropic initiative designed to shift the conversation about HIV in Black women away from risk (and the blame it insinuates) and toward positive reasons that people may have to seek prevention and care.

The company landed on this risk-to-reasons pivot after convening a 12-person group of longtime Black women advocates and emerging leaders in the HIV movement to assess how and why current HIV initiatives haven’t alleviated the impact of HIV on Black women in the way that they have for other groups. (A few poignant examples: According to research published in 2018, despite higher rates of diagnosis, fewer Black people with HIV than white or Latinx people are taking medication to suppress their viral load or taking PrEP to prevent against transmission.) What they determined is that, though the labeling of Black women by health-care practitioners and the media as “at risk” is intended to boost preventative care, it’s had an opposite effect.

“The word ‘risk’ is scary and implies that you’re doing something wrong or risky,” says Amelia Korangy, ViiV’s U.S. director of external affairs. In the context of a sexually transmitted infection, in particular, the designation of “risk” also turns sex into a risk factor, divorcing it from any notion of pleasure, intimacy, or desire, and thus denying Black women these fundamental elements of sexual well-being and self care.

Pleasure isn’t something to be avoided or feared due to the risk of contracting HIV, but instead, can serve as a reason why a Black woman may choose to be proactive against the virus.

By refocusing on the reasons why Black women may want or need to seek HIV testing or care, the “Risk to Reasons” initiative is also turning that sex narrative on its head: Pleasure isn’t something to be avoided or feared due to the risk of contracting HIV, but instead, the seeking of pleasure can serve as a reason why a Black woman may choose to be proactive against the virus.

The initiative itself includes a commitment of $8 million to 18 different Black women-led organizations across the country to support new HIV-prevention programming with this reasons-focused narrative. And as of this month, it also includes the launch of a series of three activity workbooks (free to download) expanding on pleasure and intimacy as, again, valid reasons why Black women may want to engage in HIV prevention and care (more on that below).

Why Black women are disproportionately affected by HIV

At a top-line level, Black women are more predisposed to contracting HIV than white women because the prevalence of HIV is higher in the communities in which they commonly have sex—which then drives new transmissions, says Korangy.

Additionally, the social determinants of health—driven by systemic racism—may also limit Black women’s access to prevention and care. “If, for example, you don’t have money or a local clinic to get testing, how will you know you have HIV? And if your partner(s) don’t have access to health care, how will they know they have HIV and could pass it to you?” says nurse practitioner Adrienne Ton, ARNP, director of clinical operations at STI-testing company TBD Health. This lack of access to care also creates room for misconceptions to form among Black communities about the risks of HIV transmission and the role of medications like PrEP.

Even if Black women are able to seek HIV care from a health-care provider, they may still decide against it because of deep-seated (and valid) mistrust of the medical establishment. “When it comes to health outcomes, we see that Black women have a disproportionate burden of medical conditions,” says Ton. And the same structural problems at play for any health issue are likely contributing to poorer outcomes for STIs, too, she adds.

In the same vein, Black women might steer clear of HIV testing because of the stigma often linked to HIV, which is, again, further magnified by their inclusion in an “at-risk” group. And if they do seek care, there’s certainly a chance that they’ll face bias from a health-care provider.

“We hear a lot about women being told, ‘no’ by a doctor [in response to requests for preventative HIV medication] because they’re not sufficiently ‘at risk.’” —Amelia Korangy, ViiV Healthcare director of external affairs

“Black women are often not sufficiently heard by the medical system,” says Korangy. “For example, we hear a lot about women being told, ‘no’ by a doctor [in response to requests for preventative HIV medication] because they’re not sufficiently ‘at risk,’ whatever that means.”

By dropping the concept of risk and focusing instead on reasons, ViiV’s initiative is designed to help Black women advocate for the reasons why they may want to take precautions against HIV (or seek HIV treatment), whatever they may be.

How centering pleasure as a reason for prevention may improve outcomes for Black women

One of the core reasons for HIV prevention that emerged from ViiV’s research sessions with the group of Black women HIV advocates includes pleasure, intimacy, and desire. Pursuing these things is an essential part of sexual well-being and overall self care, and you’re more capable of doing so if you feel secure and protected against HIV. In this narrative, the messaging isn’t, “You’re doing something wrong [by having sex],” but rather, “You’re doing something right, and here’s how to lean into it in a way that keeps you healthy,” says Korangy.

The activity workbooks offer Black women the tools to do just that. They include writing prompts, exercises, and conversation starters designed to dismantle the shame around sexual pleasure and HIV alike, and fill in the gaps in pleasure literacy created by inadequate sex education. Each is organized around a key stakeholder on the path to HIV prevention—one’s self, an intimate partner, or a health-care provider—and offers strategies for engaging with each, so that Black women can better understand their own sexual desires and needs, and feel more comfortable advocating for them across the board.

To spread the word on this positive messaging, ViiV has also partnered with Black women celebrities, including singers Tinashe and Baby Rose and TV star Ts Madison, who often uses her platform to educate followers on the importance of drugs like PrEP for HIV prevention.

To Madison, the biggest value in the “Risk to Reasons” initiative is in removing any semblance of blame. “The focus shouldn’t be on whether a woman has been ‘promiscuous,’ or how many sexual partners they’ve had, or what kind of relationship they’re in—because it only takes one [to get HIV],” she says. “I believe any woman should be able to explore any kind of sexual relationship as many times as they want, so it’s more like, ‘Why not take steps to be protected [so you can do that safely]?’” That is, a thriving sex life—with any number of sexual partners—can be a reason for proactive HIV prevention and care, and not just a risk factor.

But while medication might be absolutely necessary for me, it’s not without some low-key side effects. Most symptoms of SSRIs aren’t all that challenging or noticeable, but one important one definitely is: Orgasms are harder to, ahem, come by.

Sexual side effects can vary, but the most common ones are lower libido and trouble climaxing. Nina Vasan, MD, MBA, chief medical officer at Real and founder and executive director of Brainstorm at Stanford University, says most of those side effects are because SSRIs increase serotonin. “Serotonin decreases orgasms and vaginal lubrication for women and erection and ejaculation for men,” Vasan says. “It also inhibits the production of nitric oxide, which is responsible for blood flow to sex organs during sexual response.”

As a 37-year-old single mom who is dating and, yes, sometimes having sex, I find not being able to orgasm while taking SSRIs the most inconvenient thing about them. I mean, if I don’t keep my brain healthy, I won’t be that much fun to share appetizers and witty banter with. But dating without orgasms feels like a really unfair trade-off.

A lot of people, given their SSRI has rendered them less interested in sex anyway, don’t worry about a lack of orgasms. More power to them. But I’m not willing to let this slip away from my life, especially as a divorced woman who only started having more consistent sex a few years ago! I still view it as a deeply important part of my overall health.

Ashleigh Renard, author, sex expert, and creator of the viral video series Keeping It Hot, agrees. She says that while it’s important for sex to never feel like “an obligatory act,” feeling fulfilled matters. “No one needs sex, but really wanting it and enjoying it can lead to a higher quality of life for many of us,” she says.

Renard also says that while transitioning onto medication, taking a break from sex can be beneficial, for the purpose of not adding any additional stress to the situation. While, at times, over the last five years, I had to focus purely on my mental health and not worry too much about my sex life, these days I have the bandwidth to prioritize both, so I am. Luckily, I’ve found there can be ways to still get down, even on brain medication.

5 ways to still have an orgasm while taking SSRIs

1. Practice on your own first

For a lot of people, having orgasms is easier when getting it on solo. While ideally, you’d like to be able to share that experience with a partner, knowing what you need to make it happen on your own after the introduction of medication, is really important. There’s no pressure to orgasm, so it may be easier to figure out what it takes. If you do, you’ll know that it’s not impossible, so you’ll be in a better headspace once you’re with a partner. Plus, you’ll be better equipped to tell them exactly what to do.

2. Emphasize the “warm up”

Renard suggests starting a relaxation routine about 30 to 60 minutes before sex to prepare for intimacy. “Take a bath. Light a candle. Listen to relaxing or feel-good music,” she says. “Many of my audience members love listening to erotic audio stories to help get them in the mood.” She recommends using the Dipsea app.

3. Ask about switching medications

If making changes to your medication is an option, lowering the dose or getting on a new drug that still does what it needs to for your mental health could alleviate the unwanted sexual side effects, Dr. Vasan says. Some SSRIs are less likely to interfere with the ability to climax, so talk to your doctor about what your options may be.

4. Use a vibrator

Sometimes, adding a little battery power can seriously get things moving in the right direction. Incorporating a vibrator, either for foreplay, or clitoral stimulation during sex, could have big gains.

Liz Tracy, a 43-year-old mom who has been on a handful of different SSRIs since she was a teenager, says that a vibrator has been key to her ability to climax. She recommends women “buy a high-quality vibrator” or even a few, “and experiment with them,” both on your own and with a partner.

5. Talk to your doctor about adding a new drug

If you’ve exhausted your options in the bedroom, and changing your medication altogether is not an option, adding a drug can have positive impacts. Dr. Vasan says that a low dose of Bupropion (aka Wellbutrin) is an option that she has personally seen “work well in some patients” who are not ready to kiss orgasms goodbye.

Remember, taking care of your brain is hard work, but it doesn’t have to mean giving up one of the best parts of your sex life.

Below, gynecologist and sexual-wellness expert Christie Cobb, MD, breaks down what you need to know about STI testing and answers the top questions she gets from patients in her practice about STIs.

Why it’s important to get tested for STIs if you have sex

According to preliminary data published last April from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), there were a record 2.5 million reported cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis in 2021—an increase from the 2.4 million reported in 2020. And though these high numbers may reflect, in part, a lack of access to screening and testing during the pandemic, they also build on a concerning trend of rising cases of STIs well before the pandemic.

Because of the widespread prevalence of STIs (and the shame and stigma that work against open disclosure), Dr. Cobb emphasizes the importance of getting tested regularly, so you know where you stand.

Regardless of your results, it’s also a smart idea to take preventative measures against contracting an STI whenever you have sex. Though no method (beyond abstinence from sex) is a 100-percent guarantee against transmission, consistent use of condoms can significantly reduce your risk. The key word there, though, is consistent. “It’s like wearing a seat belt; you just have to wear it every single time [you have sex] like a habit,” says Dr. Cobb.

“It’s like wearing a seat belt; you just have to wear [protection] every single time [you have sex] like a habit.”—Christie Cobb, MD, gynecologist

While the CDC also recommends reducing your number of sexual partners and engaging in mutual monogamy (meaning you and a partner agree to only be sexually active with each other) as a means to limit STI transmission, it’s certainly possible for folks in non-monogamous relationship structures and others with multiple sexual partners to enjoy safe sex. It just requires more frequent STI testing and open communication about results.

In particular, Dr. Cobb encourages her patients to “get tested between [sexual] partners, so that if you start a new relationship, you can honestly document that you’re negative and then ideally ask your partner to also produce a negative test.” It may feel like an awkward topic to discuss, but it’s important to communicate your STI status to current and potential partners, so that all people involved can make informed decisions about sex with their health in mind.

How to get tested for STIs

There are plenty of resources for low-cost and even free STI testing. If you have a primary-care doctor or gynecologist, you can plan a visit to get tested (or have testing included as part of a yearly checkup). Dr. Cobb recommends checking with your insurance before your visit to determine which tests are covered under your plan, so you know what to expect in terms of payment. If you’d rather test yourself in the privacy of your home, it’s also possible to order discreet, at-home STI test kits from companies like Nurx and TBD Health, which may be partially covered by insurance, too.

If you don’t have insurance, you can visit a community health center, like Planned Parenthood, which offers reduced or no-cost STI testing, depending on your financial situation. The CDC also has a dedicated page on its website full of STI information, including an online tool that will identify places near you where you can get tested based on your zip code.

The top 3 questions about STIs that patients ask a gynecologist

1. Do I need to get tested for STIs?

Among the most common questions about STIs that Dr. Cobb gets from patients is just whether they really need to be tested. In fact, she’s made it a habit to ask patients herself if they’d like to be tested, so they don’t have to broach the topic first.

The answer is “anyone who has had any intimate contact with any mucus membrane,” she says, “whether through oral, vaginal, or anal contact” should be tested. Given that plenty of different activities can qualify as “sex” for different people, it’s better to err on the safe side, she says: “If you’ve done anything with your body with anyone else and their body that could count as sexual activity, you should probably get tested.” If you’re not having sex, though, you don’t have to get tested for STIs.

2. How often do I need to be tested?

Another common inquiry is when exactly to get tested. If you’ve recently had unprotected sex or suspect you may have been exposed to an STI, you’ll want to wait about three weeks to get tested, given certain viruses and bacteria may not be visible on a test before that window is up. “Usually, the soonest [any infection] is going to show up is three weeks, but I encourage patients who had an unprotected exposure to come back to be tested after three months and six months, too,” says Dr. Cobb. “If all of those tests are negative, you can fully consider yourself negative.” (This applies to the most common STIs, such as chlamydia, gonorrhea, hepatitis, HIV, and syphilis.)

In scenarios where you don’t have reason to suspect a recent exposure, it’s wise to follow the CDC recommendations for STI testing, which vary based on sexual behavior. For example, the CDC recommends that all people between ages 13 to 64 be tested at least once for HIV, and that all sexually active people with vaginas over age 25 be tested for gonorrhea and chlamydia every year if they have “new or multiple sex partners, or a sex partner with an [STI].” In general, though, Dr. Cobb says a good rule of thumb is to get tested before you have a new partner and between partners.

3. Which STIs do I need to be tested for?

Most STI tests cover a variety of common infections that require both blood and urine samples, says Dr. Cobb. Tests for HIV, hepatitis, and syphilis are typically conducted by way of a blood sample, while gonorrhea and chlamydia are assessed with a urine test (or the sample from a pap smear for folks with cervixes). And herpes is most commonly tested with a scrape from an active lesion, she adds.

Because your individual medical or sexual history may also put you at risk for other STIs, it’s worth asking your healthcare provider for additional guidance here, too.

The idea first came to Marin, author of Sex Talks, when she confronted a dip in physical intimacy in her own relationship. In the first few months of the pandemic, when stay-at-home orders were in place, Marin realized that she and her husband of 15 years weren’t kissing each other hardly at all—which was unusual for them. “The night my husband and I met, we spent six hours making out, but then we got a couple years into our relationship, and I couldn’t tell you the last time we made out for more than a minute if it wasn’t around sex,” she says. When the pandemic hit, their kissing dry spell became a full-on drought.

“It has created this special connection and really brought the sense of intimacy and excitement back into our relationship.”—Vanessa Marin, LMFT, sex therapist

To regain some of that early physical excitement, Marin and her husband decided to try making out with each other every night, incorporating just a 30-second or minute-long make-out session as part of their nighttime routine before bed. And they enjoyed this quarantine ritual so much, they’re still going with the nightly make-outs three years later.

“The point was just to have a couple quick moments where we were fully present with each other and to try to channel some of that teenager energy,” says Marin, describing the unique hotness of a make-out session at an age when sex might not have been on the table. To similar effect, making out every night has become a way for Marin and her husband to engage in physical intimacy without necessarily tying it to the additional time and energetic burden of having sex. “It has created this special connection and really brought the sense of intimacy and excitement back into our relationship,” she says.

Below, Marin shares how and why making out with your partner every night before bed can help reignite the passion—and keep it burning—in a long-term relationship.

Why making out with your partner every night can boost your relationship

Many of the couples that Marin sees in her practice express to her that they miss the early stages of their relationship—when it was riddled with less shared responsibilities and more shared passion, and when the opportunity for kissing and sex wasn’t always a given. As life happens and connections deepen, raw physical passion can take a backseat.

And that’s where making out with your partner every night can come into play. These make-out sessions provide a dedicated opportunity for physical connection that might otherwise fall the wayside in long-term relationships, especially when the day-to-day tasks of work, cohabitation, and/or coparenting become all-consuming. “By the time you get into bed at night…the idea of having sex feels like this huge burden because you’re so disconnected from each other,” says Marin. “Making out is a way of keeping some of that sexual tension and excitement alive [without the added pressure of sex].”

Indeed, many long-term couples who’ve long graduated from the honeymoon phase only engage in passionate kissing or making out as a means to initiate sex, says Marin, which can create a strong link between any kind of physical contact and sex. Unfortunately, that tends to lead to less intimacy overall: If every passionate touch is linked with sex, you’re probably not going to kiss your partner unless you’re fully ready to get it on. And assuming that any physical contact from a partner implies a bid for sex could lead you to bristle or cringe upon being touched when you’re not in the mood for sex.

Adding more kissing into your partnership just for kissing’s sake can help detach physical intimacy from full-on sex, thereby lowering the barrier for participation. That is, it might just feel easier to kiss a partner more frequently if there’s no subtext of sex. And kissing more often can only do positive things for your mutual feelings of intimacy and connection.

That’s why Marin especially recommends the practice of making out with your partner every night to long-term couples who are feeling disconnected—but she also contends that any couple can benefit from it.

To get started, try it out for a month, and see where it leads without putting any pressure on yourselves. Just like anything you commit to doing every day, the result won’t always be the same. As for Marin and her husband’s experience? “Some nights, [the kissing] does lead to more,” she says. “But some nights, we’re exhausted, and we’re just like, ‘Great, that was 10 seconds of fun contact.'” On other nights, they might forgo the kissing altogether (for instance, if they’re having a fight or one of them is sick). But in general, they try to kiss for at least a few seconds each night with no expectations of it leading to anything else.

You can also adjust the practice to make it yours, adds Marin. For example, if you don’t like kissing with tongue, don’t, and if you’d rather make out in the morning instead of at night, go for that instead. And if kissing really isn’t pleasurable to you at all, she suggests trying some other form of daily physical contact, whether that’s cuddling, hugging, or holding hands on the couch. “The idea is to choose something that feels very practicable and doable, no matter how tired you might be,” she says.

“People-pleasers have a challenging time with conflict and being disliked,” says Steph Tuazon, LCSW, a therapist who specializes in trauma and shame. “So in day-to-day life, people-pleasing can show up as someone going out of their way to ensure the other person has a good time, in hopes that the other person will refrain from having any negative thoughts or feelings toward this people-pleaser. While this may be seen societally as selfless, kind, or accommodating, often, this can negatively impact the people-pleaser in never quite feeling like they can be themselves, trust themselves or trust others.”

How people-pleasing can impact your sex life

The implications on people-pleasing, then, can certainly extend to one’s sex and dating life. During sex, people-pleasers may be apt to prioritize their partner’s pleasure at the expense of their own. Many people-pleasers may not even consider their own needs, desires, or wants during sex, but instead focus solely on what their partner wants.

“People-pleasing in sex can look like someone having difficulty being in their body to receive pleasure unless they know the other person is satisfied.” —Steph Tuazon, LCSW

“People-pleasing in sex can look like someone having difficulty being in their body to receive pleasure unless they know the other person is satisfied. If the other person is unsatisfied in any way—or even if it’s perceived this person is unsatisfied—the people-pleaser can feel immense guilt and responsibility in disappointing this person,” says Tuazon.

As a people-pleaser, I’ve struggled with being overly concerned about what my partner thought of my performance during sex. I’d spend an entire sexual experience analyzing what my partner thought of me. Ultimately, this led me to seeing sex as a performance that was either a failure or success based on how satisfied my partner was and how they viewed me. For years, I didn’t even consider my own sexual desires or needs.

Similarly when it comes to dating, Justine Ang Fonte, MEd, MPH, sexuality educator, known as“Your Friendly Ghostwriter” on Instagram, says people-pleasing can result in a failure to communicate your needs and preferences in a relationship, cause a disconnect between you and a partner, and limit your understanding of each other’s needs.

“There are numerous and various reasons for people-pleasing: Most humans don’t want to seem difficult or cause conflict, and they foresee things to be easier if they just [people-please],” says Ang Fonte. Tuazon adds, “people-pleasing does not always have to be a learned response from coping with trauma, but it can be a trauma response.” This can be a result of childhood trauma in which you learned you had to be pleasing to your caregivers in order to have your needs met, or it can be a trauma response known as “fawning.”

With fawning, “when someone is triggered, rather than run away, become stuck, or try to fight, they will try to appease this person and try to earn their approval—often at the expense of their own well-being and usually as a way to create a sense of safety,” Tuazon says.

Best tips for moving past the people-pleasing cycle in bed, according to experts

While people-pleasing can be overwhelming and impact many different realms of your life—including sex and dating—there are ways to curtail its effects. “The best way to stop people pleasing during sex is to practice before sex starts,” Tuazon says.

Sex can be a high-stakes moment, where it may feel very intimidating to be honest about exactly what you do and don’t like, so instead, start by practicing in your everyday life. Next time your best friend asks what movie you want to watch, check in with yourself and take an honest inventory of what you actually want. Practicing noticing and asking for what you want in your everyday life does help you ask for what you really want in bed.

Tuazon adds that instead of leaving conversations about what you do and don’t want to unfold in the heat of the moment, talk with your partner before sex starts about your preferences and consent. Since people-pleasers typically want to ensure their partner has a good time, saying you don’t like something in the midst of a sexy interlude can be more intimidating, especially if you anticipate it will take away from your partner’s enjoyment.

You might also draft a yes/no/maybe list with your partner that denotes all of the sexual behaviors you want to try, might want to try, or don’t want to do. This gives your partner an entire list of your sexual preferences without you actually having to say them, and can also function as a conversation starter in its own right.

While people pleasing can be a difficult habit to break, you’re not alone on this journey, and there are ways to make sex more enjoyable.

“Many people have to train the anal sphincter muscles at the entrance of the anal canal to relax enough to accept a toy or body part,” says anal surgeon Evan Goldstein, DO, founder of proctological and anal plastic surgery practice Bespoke Surgical and pleasure tool company Future Method. Failure to train these muscles ahead of anal penetration can make the whole shebang feel like trying to put a square peg into a tight, round hole (no matter the shape of the actual “peg,” per se). Luckily, for that, there are anal dilators, which are smooth, tubular medical devices placed inside the anus to gently stretch the surrounding muscles.

“Many people have to train the anal sphincter muscles at the entrance of the anal canal to relax enough to accept a toy or body part.” —Evan Goldstein, DO, anal surgeon

Below, learn exactly what anal dilators are, how they work, and how to use an anal dilator set to prime your butt for frictionless butt play of all sorts.

What are anal dilators, and what are they typically used for?

Anal dilators, sometimes known as rectal dilators, are dildo-shaped medical devices that are inserted into the anus to support the health, shape, and function of the anal canal, says Dr. Goldstein. In some cases, they are prescribed to help relieve elevated pressure in the anal canal, which can cause recurring hemorrhoids (enlarged or swollen veins in the lower rectum) or anal fissures (tiny tears in the lining of the anus), says Steven Lavender, a pelvic floor therapist with Bespoke Surgical. Using anal dilators can therefore help relieve these ailments, he says.

In other instances, anal dilators, like vaginal dilators (similar tools inserted into the vagina), are used in conjunction with pelvic floor physical therapy to alleviate pelvic floor dysfunction. “Pelvic floor issues like chronic prostatitis, endometriosis, and proctalgia fugax (severe, intermittent episodes of rectal cramps that can be triggered by menstruation) can create pain that can be quite debilitating,” says Lavender. And anal dilators, in addition to relaxing anal muscles, can soften tight pelvic floor muscles, which may help relieve some of the pain associated with the above conditions.

How can anal dilators be used to improve anal play and sex?

For anal play and penetration to feel good, the anal sphincter muscles—which consist of three ring-shaped muscles along the anal canal—have to relax, creating open space in the canal, says Dr. Goldstein. In fact, trying to penetrate an anal canal that is locked shut can injure the anal sphincter muscles by pushing them past their capacity. (It’s like a hamstring strain, but in your hiney.)

Like any other muscle, these sphincter muscles are capable of either contracting or relaxing at any point—but the tricky part is, for many people, anal sphincter proprioception can be challenging, says Lavender. Meaning, you might not be able to easily tell when you’re clenching or relaxing those butt muscles in the way that you’d certainly know if you were tensing or relaxing, say, your bicep.

To complicate things further, the sphincter muscles are also “innately geared toward staying shut (or being clenched) so that we don’t crap our pants,” says Dr. Goldstein. Plus, these muscles can get locked in a contracted position during day-to-day activities like sitting at a desk or squatting at the gym, he adds. “Together, these things can create considerable muscle tone in the anal sphincter region.” And as a result, it can be a struggle to relax those muscles enough to make anal sex actually possible and pleasurable.

“[Using anal dilators] will help you regulate between relaxing to the capacity that’s needed for anal sex and [closing the muscles] when needed for the rest of daily life.” —Dr. Goldstein

That’s where anal dilators come into play. Their function is to train those often-clenching anal sphincter muscles to relax, says Dr. Goldstein. They do this by giving you something physical to clench against, which provides clear feedback for those muscles, says Lavender, helping alert you to the fact that they’re indeed clenched. Over time, this can teach you to differentiate between the feeling of contracting versus relaxing your bum, “so that you can regulate between relaxing to the capacity that’s needed for anal sex and [closing the muscles] when needed for the rest of daily life,” says Dr. Goldstein.

An added bonus? “Anal dilators also help gently stretch the skin and tissues surrounding the anal muscles,” says Dr. Goldstein. And a certain degree of skin elasticity is required for pleasurable anal penetration, he says. (But, before you ask…no, anal dilators will not permanently stretch out your butthole.)

How is an anal dilator different from an anal sex toy?

Anal dilators aren’t sex toys; they’re medical tools. So, while they can certainly be used to prep the butt for smoother, easier anal penetration, as noted above, they aren’t meant to be used as part of sex acts or for in-the-moment pleasure, like an anal-safe dildo or butt plug.

Instead, anal dilators are designed to give you access to future pleasure, says Dr. Goldstein. They typically come as a set of three or more dilators in incrementally larger sizes. “Anal dilators offer a stepwise progression so you can gradually strengthen, stretch, and train the anal skin and underlying muscles,” he explains. You want each dilator in a set to be just a smidge larger than the one before it, so that you don’t injure yourself when you graduate to the next size (more on how to use them below).

By contrast, butt plugs and dildos can be used as part of anal play—but are not designed to train the anal sphincter muscles to loosen up. “There is a common misconception that butt plugs and dildos can and should be left inside the anus for an extended period of time [right before or during sex],” says Dr. Goldstein. “But that only provides you with a sense of fullness; it doesn’t actually teach your anal sphincter muscles how to relax,” he says. (Plus, this can irritate the delicate anal lining, he says, making you more susceptible to infections and micro-tears of the anus.)

While dildos are also typically phallic in shape and butt plugs are often short, wide, or rounded, anal dilators are long, tapered, and smooth—designed to gently apply pressure to all three sets of anal sphincters. Like their sex-toy counterparts, they come in a variety of body-safe materials, but Dr. Goldstein recommends buying glass ones. Earlier this year, he launched the Future Method Glass Anal Dilator Set ($60) to offer a glass option for his patients, specifically because of the anus-loving benefits of going with glass.

Future Method Glass Anal Dilator Set — $60.00

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“The friction that glass creates against the skin of the anal canal is more controlled and minimal compared to the friction created by other materials like silicone,” says Dr. Goldstein. And contrary to popular belief, you do not need to worry about a glass dilator (or glass sex toy, for that matter) breaking inside you, as they’re made of durable, body-safe borosilicate glass. “The extra weight of the glass [over other materials] also provides additional pressure against the skin and anal muscles,” adds Dr. Goldstein, which helps the dilators work more efficiently.

Glass is also compatible with all lubes, including silicone-based lube (which can’t be used with silicone dilators or toys). And that’s a big deal: Silicone lube is the option that sexperts recommend for anal sex since it’s typically thicker, more cushion-y, and longer-lasting than water- and oil-based lubricants.

How to use an anal dilator set to prepare your butt for more pleasurable anal sex

1. Take steps to relax your body

Start by lying down on your back and getting comfortable. Just as your traps, jaw, and shoulders can tense up when you’re stressed out, so can your bum-hole, says Dr. Goldstein. And that’s the last thing you want when you’re about to insert something into it.

You might even try masturbating first, he says. “Some people treat anal dilator use as ‘homework’ and don’t include self-pleasure, but if you want to get off before using a dilator (or after), go ahead.” Doing so may actually help relieve some of the pre-existing tension in your anal muscles, and therefore make dilation easier.

2. Load up on lube, then slide in the smallest dilator in the set

Dr. Goldstein’s advice for how to actually use an anal dilator starts with lathering a ton of silicone lube on both the dilator and your anus. Then, position the dilator at the entrance of your anal canal and rock it back and forth along the entrance to prime the first ring of sphincter muscles. Next, gently push the dilator inside until you feel pressure from the muscles in your butt. If (and when) you start to feel resistance from your body, try to consciously relax with a deep breath in order to accommodate more length. Finally, at the point of resistance, slowly remove the dilator in one continuous motion.

“Re-lubricate, and insert again with a similar technique of slowly moving in, meeting resistance, and then slowly pulling out,” says Dr. Goldstein, adding that most people will need to repeat this exercise four to six times before achieving full insertion. Keep it going for 12 to 15 repetitions, in total, for a complete session—or until it becomes uncomfortable or irritating, whichever comes first.

3. Keep on using the dilator set, going up in size

For optimal results, Dr. Goldstein recommends using the smallest dilator in your set two to three times per week for two weeks. Then, use a combination of both the small and medium dilators for the following two weeks.

Assuming you don’t experience any discomfort using the medium one, you can graduate to the larger dilator after that point. “All in all, it usually takes about four to six weeks of regular anal dilator use for a person to create the needed relaxation effect for pleasurable anal sex,” says Dr. Goldstein.

Even once you’ve mastered dilation, though, it’s a good idea to keep using dilators if anal play makes a regular (or regular-ish) appearance in your sex life, Dr. Goldstein adds. Otherwise, the muscles and skin will eventually revert to their natural tone from before you started…in which case, he says, you’ll need to start the process over again.

According to sex therapist Vanessa Marin, LMFT, the bristle reaction is an involuntary response. It’s subtle, but it can be very confusing and even upsetting to both partners. “It’s someone you presumably love and trust, yet you’re having this very intense reaction to this very simple touch,” she says. But bristling doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed, and it’s a reaction that can be rewired with time.

Why someone may develop a bristle reaction

Compared to the early days of courting, the amount of physical touch tends to lessen the longer a couple is together. A bristle reaction may develop if the only time partners initiate this type of affection is as a form of foreplay, which can make simple gestures feel loaded and like a means to an end—hence why someone may bristle at such advances if they’re caught off guard or not in the mood. “We start to make this association that when my partner touches me or tries to kiss me, it’s supposed to lead to sex, so it can lead us to develop this hyper-vigilance to our partner’s touch,” Marin explains.

“We start to make this association that when my partner touches me or tries to kiss me it’s supposed to lead to sex, so it can lead us to develop this hyper-vigilance to our partner’s touch.”—Vanessa Marin, LMFT

Coupled with this, many people in longer-term relationships may stop initiating sex clearly with their words, which means the hints that someone desires sex are mostly physical. They may know each other so well that they can read each other’s non-verbal cues, but relying only on this is imprecise and can even be jarring and confusing, especially when you’re not in the headspace for sex. “If you’re not in the mood at that moment and you feel your partner coming in for some contact, your walls are going to go up as a protective mechanism,” Marin says. In these moment’s it’s important to remember that the bristle reaction is an involuntary response, and may not reflect how you genuinely feel about bids for affection from your S.O.

What the bristle reaction means

While it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re no longer attracted to your partner, a bristle reaction is a good indication that there’s something worth examining. Marin says it could mean there’s some communication missing, it could indicate you feel disconnected, or that there is unresolved tension at play. And it’s not an inherently negative reaction, but more of a surprised one.

No matter the reason, Kiana Reeves, somatic sex educator and chief content officer of sexual wellness company Foria, recommends not pushing through the bristle reaction in the moment because involuntary bodily responses are chances to go deeper and examine what’s happening underneath that hasn’t been expressed. It could mean that you’re not in the mood for sex, or you don’t feel comfortable being touched in that specific way at that moment.

To figure out why you are bristling, Reeves recommends following this protocol in the moment: pause, notice the emotion, communicate the emotion, and identify the need. “Usually when you start to pay attention to the sensation, an emotion rises with it,” she says. For example, maybe you notice that you feel lonely, and you in turn communicate to your partner that rather than have sex, you’d like to be held or kissed instead.

This initial conversation can be with yourself, but it could eventually be an avenue for a longer, honest dialogue with your partner, which she says could increase intimacy. “It actually could be a beautiful opening in a relationship to say ‘I love when you touch me and kiss me, but you only do that when you want sex and it makes me feel objectified, or ‘I love when you kiss me, but when you come at me with your tongue it’s too intense,’” Reeves says.

3 ways to get over the bristle reaction

1. Ask your partner to use their words to initiate sex

A key cause of the bristle reaction is the element of surprise. Marin recommends couples initiate sex with their words, rather than by touching so the request is clear. “If we’re not clear with our communication there are so many opportunities to miss each other and miscommunicate,” she says. Direct verbal initiation takes any guesswork out of the equation. When you’re in the mood to have sex, tell your partner clearly.

2. Incorporate more touch in your daily life that isn’t tied to sex

Another key underlying factor of the bristle reaction is the association with physical touch leading to sex. Touching each other more often without sex involved helps disentangle this connection. “You want to break the connection that touch is supposed to lead to sex,” Marin says. Couples should try incorporating more kisses, hugs, back rubs, and massages into their day-to-day routine just because.

3. Tell your partner your favorite ways to be touched

Marin says that another cause of the bristle reaction is being touched in an unwelcome way or in a place you don’t like. For example, not everyone will appreciate being smacked on the butt or having their arm or leg grazed. But rather than listing all the things they’re doing wrong, she recommends letting your partner know exactly how you’d like to be touched; she says many couples don’t share this information with each other, and that this is a great opportunity to do so. “It’s easier and more fun to share your favorite ways you’d like to be touched,” she says. “Pick your top three and say, ‘I love it when you touch me in this place, in this way.’”

So to recap

If you find yourself involuntarily bristling at your partner’s touch, know that this doesn’t automatically mean you no longer love them or are attracted to them. Quite often, it’s an indicator that there is some underlying, unexpressed emotions at play—not totally atypical in long-term relationships. So before you go any further, the first thing you want to do is see if you can identify what feelings the physical touch is bringing up for you or what need is going unmet, then share that info with your partner. Chances are there is a breakdown in communication somewhere that needs to be sorted out. And remember that the most effective way to clear the air is through honest, clear, direct talking. It’s the fastest way to turn bristling back into butterflies.

The brand’s launch in more than 260 Sephora locations—with four of its products—is a big win for bringing sexual-wellness and intimate-care products out of the shadows, away from stigma, and into the hands of more people, says Maude founder and CEO Éva Goicochea. “We’ve always believed that [the intimate care category] needed to be in a prestige retailer because when you only see it in sex shops and drugstores, it continues the discomfort and the commodification of the category,” she says.“But when you start to see it in places in which you would buy your beloved personal-care item or your beauty products, you start to recognize that this category is just as important—context is everything in terms of evolving sexual wellness.”

How the in-store Maude launch at Sephora is a win for accessibility to intimate care

Sephora has been selling sexual-wellness products online for over a year from Maude and also Dame. And given the positive consumer reception, the move to an in-store offering is hardly surprising. In late 2022, Cindy Deily, Vice President of Skin-Care Merchandising at Sephora, told Well+Good that the sexual-wellness category is growing for the beauty retailer: “Sephora clients are actively shopping the category…We look forward to continued growth and expansion as we strive to meet the evolving needs of our clients.”

There’s more good news for consumers hungry for intimate-care products: According to market projections, the global sexual wellness market—which includes things like sex toys, condoms, lube, and supplements—is expected to grow from $28.22 billion this year to $44.23 billion by 2028.

While work to destigmatize intimate-care and sexual-health products is not done, Sephora selling Maude in-store is a big step forward. Maude’s products are available in other stores worldwide, but Sephora’s status as a massive purveyor of quality luxury goods is especially important to Goicochea. Housing Maude’s products under that luxe umbrella, she says, helps bring intimate-care products into the mainstream and chips away the stigma associated with them.

“When you only see [intimate care products] only in sex shops and drugstores, it continues the discomfort and the commodification of the category.”—Éva Goicochea, Maude’s founder and CEO

The in-store launch also presents an opportunity for a wide range of customers to find what they need in one place. Goicochea points out that there’s a variety of cosmetics and skin-care options available across retailers. That is, whether you want bold or minimal makeup products, there are many brands from which to choose and venues where you can find them (think: a blush at a department store, luxury boutique, or in the aisles of the drugstore). That’s not really the case right now for products related to sex and intimacy. “We should be able to have choices,” she says. With Maude products in Sephora, she’s making that happen.

The four in-store Maude products at Sephora include a massage candle, lubricant, and two body wash products, which Goicochea says specifically bridge the gap between skin and body care that anyone can use. Shop them below (and keep an eye out for them next time you hit Sephora).

Shop the 4 Maude products available now in Sephora stores:

Maude: Burn Massage Candle in Scent No. 1 — $30.00

This massage candle contains skin-softening jojoba oil. It’s scented with amber, cedar leaf, clove, lemongrass, medjool date, and tonka bean.

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Maude: Wash pH Balanced Body Wash and Bubble Bath in No. 0 — $22.00

The unscented version of Maude’s ph-balanced body wash can also be used in a soothing bubble bath.

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Maude: Shine Ultra-Hydrating, Organic Aloe-Based Personal Lubricant — $18.00

This aloe-based lubricant is one of Maude’s core products and addresses dryness.

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Maude: Wash pH Balanced Body Wash and Bubble Bath in No. 3 — $22.00

This body wash and bubble bath combo smells like eucalyptus, sandalwood, cassis, and Haitian vetiver.

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Since the early days of her music career in the ’90s, Aguilera has been “on a journey of talking about and embracing her sexuality as a woman,” she says. But the cultural narrative around sex didn’t always celebrate her for it. “Growing up in this business, sex was very much put upon me, and I was labeled about it, and it was all coming from the male gaze,” she says.

“I’ve always intended to empower myself and other women to embrace and celebrate their bodies.” —Christina Aguilera

At home, Aguilera encountered the opposite narrative—that sex was something hush-hush. “I grew up with my grandma and my mom, and there was such a, ‘We don’t talk about that’ vibe [when it came to sex], and there’s just so much shame around the topic,” she says. But despite being both objectified and stigmatized, Aguilera always intended to “empower myself and other women to embrace and celebrate their bodies,” she says.

To Aguilera, that act was never about pleasing a partner or being sexy for anyone but yourself. So when she came to learn that men were making the sexual-wellness products and lubricants women were using to have better sex, she was inspired to get involved. She began working alongside Playground co-founder and CEO Catherine Magee and co-founder and chief product officer Sandy Vukovic to offer an option that centers people with vaginas, instead.

How Christina Aguilera is empowering women to embrace their sexuality as co-founder at Playground

Playground lubes are specifically formulated with vaginal health in mind, says Magee. In the product, you’ll find the kind of soothing, hydrating ingredients typical of skin-care products, like hyaluronic acid, vitamin E, and bamboo extract, alongside a plant-based citric acid that has the same pH level as the vagina (to keep things pH-balanced) and gentle scents to set the mood.

But what most drew Aguilera to Playground’s lubricant formulations is its unique blend of adaptogens—ashwagandha, black cohosh, and horny goat weed—each chosen for its potential to boost arousal.

“It’s about taking any shame or weirdness about sex away, making it feel fun, making it feel friendly, and making it feel good.”—Aguilera

These are lubricants “designed to help make female bodies feel good,” says Aguilera. And that’s the big reason why she’s coming onboard: “It’s about taking any shame or weirdness about this topic away, making it feel fun, making it feel friendly, and making it feel good,” she says.

The role of lube in that picture—and the playful, pleasure-forward messaging around Playground’s lubricants—is to empower women not only to step into their own sexuality, but also, to go after their own pleasure, stigma-free. “What’s amazing about lubricant is that it can be used by women of all ages in different ways, shapes, or forms,” says Aguilera. “For example, if you’re experiencing vaginal dryness, this is going to help [make sex less painful]. If you don’t know what makes you orgasm, these are products that are really going to help you understand yourself better and know that it’s safe to explore.”

Indeed, that exploration can be a key part of learning what makes you feel good in the first place. And the more you understand your body, the more empowered you become, says Aguilera, who feels even more passionate about championing this message now, as the mother of an eight-year-old daughter. “I want her to know from mom first that your body is the most important vessel ever,” she says. “It’s your safe space. It’s for you. It’s your playground.”

The fact that the mainstream narrative around sex has finally started to shift, in recent years, to de-stigmatize sexual exploration and pleasure-seeking also gives Aguilera hope that she can continue to push the conversation forward. “I’m just so happy that now, what might have been taboo or controversial when I was releasing music and writing certain lyrics and [filming] my ‘Dirrty’ video, is almost an everyday topic,” she says. “Social media wasn’t around when I was coming up in this business, and now more than ever, I see more young women having open conversations with one another and creating a safe community to talk about sex.”

By joining Playground, Aguilera can amplify the sex-positive, pleasure-positive conversation even further. “It’s a natural space for me to progress into,” she says. “Not only do I like to make music, but I like to continue the conversation of inspiring women.” After all, she’s the one who told us all that we are beautiful, in every single way… no matter what they say.

And decades later, she’s standing by that confidence-boosting message. “[Playground lubricants] are just the next way for me to put a product literally into women’s hands that they can use to feel good about themselves,” she says.

Shop lubricants from Playground

Playground Love Sesh Lubricant — $25.00

The scent-free Playground classic.

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Playground After Hours Lubricant — $25.00

Scented with musk and oud wood essence.

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Playground Mini Escape Lubricant — $25.00

Scented with coconut and sandalwood essence.

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Playground Date Night Lubricant — $25.00

Scented with champagne and vanilla essence.

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