Indeed, according to therapists, processing a breakup can come with a whirlwind of emotions—and the road to healing is often a winding one. For instance, you might feel sad and then feel mad, and then come back to feeling sad, says therapist Melissa Divaris Thompson, LMFT: “Sometimes, there’s a mishmash of feelings all around.” Almost like the loss of a loved one, the loss of a relationship—and a person in your life—can trigger grief and all the complex emotions that come with it.

A breakup is a form of loss, and the emotional aftermath can chart a similar path as grief

It’s completely normal to feel a soup of emotions after a breakup. After all, breakups are emotionally complex territory because while they involve losing a partner, there’s also the knowledge that this person is still somewhere in the world living their life—just a life of which you’re no longer a part.

“Breakup grief [is a unique kind of grief] because you will love again, and you will be in a relationship again, so it’s not an ending that’s forever,” says trauma-informed therapist and grief counselor Gina Moffa, LCSW, author of the forthcoming book Moving On Doesn’t Mean Letting Go: A Modern Guide to Navigating Loss.

Figuring out how to leave a relationship in the past can also be particularly difficult when the person is still alive and well, and perhaps, you can’t help but wonder what could have been if things had unfolded differently. “People tend to go back and think about the good [parts of the relationship], and then analyze everything, even more so with relationship loss than with death,” says Moffa. That mindset makes it easier to blame yourself for the dissolution of a relationship, she adds. But even if you played a role (it certainly takes two to tango), adding blame into the picture can make it even tougher to manage the emotional stages of a breakup and the loss that the end of a relationship entails.

“People tend to go back and think about the good [parts of the relationship], and then analyze everything, even more so with relationship loss than with death.” —Gina Moffa, LCSW, grief counselor

Just as is true with any type of grief, there’s no set sequence or order of emotional phases you’re bound to experience after a breakup. As unique, layered, and nuanced as breakups can be, so goes healing and recovery.

Even so, there are some hallmark emotional stages of a breakup that you can expect to encounter, says Thompson, including sadness, resentment, and anger. And you could feel them all in the course of a day, or even an hour… or perhaps much, much longer; some days, you might be caught in a rumination spiral, and others might find you overcome with sadness. And maybe on other days, you could feel remarkably complacent and accepting of the relationship being over.

In any case, grieving is a process. And according to both Thompson and Moffa, fully feeling and embracing your emotions—and being patient and kind to yourself as you oscillate between them—is all part of it. “This cycle is what leads to more compassion, more self-love, and changes within us that allow us to progress to the point where we can search for love again,” says Moffa. The important thing to remember? You’re not on any specific timetable for getting to that point.

The 5 emotional stages of processing and healing from a breakup

1. Rumination

According to Moffa, ruminating after a breakup is typically about trying to make sense of what happened, and it consists of analyzing (and re-analyzing) the ups, downs, and in-betweens of your ex-partnership. “Before they do anything else, people tend to spend a lot of time going over all the details from start to finish,” says Moffa. One common reason why? To assess whether the breakup was “their fault or yours,” says Thompson, adding that the answer is almost always that each person played a part.

Aside from searching for someone to blame, you might find yourself thinking about all the good times you shared with your ex, which is what Moffa calls “positive recall.” While it’s helpful to recognize the upsides of the relationship, harping on these positive memories can also make you feel worse about the relationship ending. In that realm, you might also “ruminate about how you could get them back or make them feel bad about why they [broke up with you],” she says.

2. Resentment and anger

You may harbor resentment toward your former partner if you feel they wasted your time or that you wasted your efforts with this person, says Thompson. And depending on how and why the relationship ended—whether they wronged you or hurt you in any way—you may naturally feel some anger toward this person for their misgivings.

3. Sadness

At the heart of the grieving process is sadness, which can be for any number of different reasons: sadness that the person is no longer in your life, that the relationship didn’t work out as planned, that the life you envisioned with this person will not come to fruition. It’s also possible that you find yourself mourning the loss of future plans and companionship, and the fact that you’re single more than the actual departure of this specific person from your life, adds Thompson.

In any case, the sadness can also show up in plenty of different ways, says Moffa. You might find that you withdraw from activities or isolate from your friends to take some time to heal, or that you have issues sleeping. “Sometimes, our self-esteem also drops during this phase, and we question our worth, even if momentarily,” she adds.

4. Reflection

As you heal from the breakup, you might gain access to some introspection. “This is where people start to look at their choices and question their patterns,” says Moffa. Perhaps you might realize, with enough distance from the sadness and/or anger of the breakup, that you have a history of choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable, or you begin to reflect on the ways in which you tend to violate your own boundaries to accommodate significant others.

This phase represents a turning point in the journey to healing your heart and mind, says Moffa. Examining your own choices, she says, can ease you into the next step of recovery. “Whether that step is to get outside help or support, to commit to changing certain patterns, or even to go take classes in Krav Maga and get your fierceness back, that self-reflection cycle slides into the state of acceptance and growth,” she says. And some forward momentum typically follows.

5. Acceptance

Acceptance is a state of mind in which you’re “no longer resisting what’s happened,” says Moffa. This isn’t to say you will no longer feel pain, or sadness, or anger—you still might. It’s just that when you hit this emotional stage of a breakup, you’re ready to think about and actively pursue your life beyond the former relationship, says Thompson.

This will feel and look different for everyone; perhaps, you decide you’re ready to download a dating app, or you commit to staying single for a while and practicing self-love and self-compassion. There’s no one right way to embrace this phase, nor is there a timeline for arriving at it. The only requirement is that it opens a door to life beyond your ex.

While people who are interested in exploring non-monogamy may be able to rev up their sex lives through the novelty of additional partners, those in a monogamous relationship (who aren’t interested in opening it up) may find that the extreme familiarity they have with their partner can become a breeding ground for boring sex. And boring sex likely isn’t pleasurable or satisfying sex, either—which can just make the people involved less likely to seek it out in the first place.

According to relationship expert Esther Perel, it’s common for couples to experience dissonance as they negotiate between their values and their desires; on the one hand, they might value closeness and intimacy, but on the other hand, they might desire wildness, mystery, and intrigue.

Desire dies at the hands of routine and familiarity because, by nature, it thrives off the unknown.

Desire dies at the hands of routine and familiarity because, by nature, it thrives off the unknown. In order to feel desire, defined as hunger and craving, you have to want something you don’t currently have. And yet, to build an intimate and sustainable relationship, you need to have a person in your life (and in your bed) about whom you know a great deal.

Still, it’s certainly possible to infuse a long-term monogamous relationship with some excitement if you avoid falling into the trap of monotony. Below, find seven easy tactics for how to spice up your relationship and crank the volume on your sex life, even if it’s the same partner every time.

How to spice up your relationship and take the monotony out of monogamy

1. Approach everyday interactions with your partner more mindfully

Research shows that we listen to those we love the least closely because we believe we can predict what they are going to say. When we get used to something or someone, we tend to tune out, rather than tune in. Take, for example, brushing your teeth; do you really pay attention while you’re doing it?

In much the same way, you might realize that you tend to ask your partner how their day was without really listening to the answer, or automatically assume the same sex position or choose to have sex after dinner or with the lights out every time you have it. While there is nothing wrong with any of these practices, in theory, they all present opportunities to numb out rather than really feel—which is necessary to experiencing pleasure.

Choosing to tune into these interactions with a partner rather than allowing them to become passive programming can help you to feel more present and thus more satisfied in your relationship (and in bed).

2. Consider how your sexual desires have evolved since you started dating your partner

In all relationships, we develop patterns of interactions or ways of being together that become familiar. We often forget that when we commit to a person, we aren’t committing to being the same with that person forever. As our circumstances change—we age, have new experiences, grow, experience loss—our needs change, too.

The fact that we transform is not the problem; it’s that many times, we don’t reorient ourselves to our new needs, and therefore don’t alert our partner of these changing needs, either. What you liked when you first met your partner may be very different now, and yet you might still be relying on old patterns of interaction that no longer fit.

Human sexuality expert and sex educator Emily Nagoski, PhD, recommends asking yourself: “What is it that I want when I want sex?” and “What is it that I like when I like sex?” I recommend adding in questions like: “What prevents me from feeling good in my body?” and “What enables me to feel good in my body?” Then, ask your partner the same questions.

It’s important to normalize that desires shift over time, just like our appetites for food.

Don’t be afraid to get detailed in your investigation. It’s important to normalize that desires shift over time, just like our appetites for food, and that consistent inquiry into what you and your partner like will be necessary throughout your relationship to keep sex, well, sexy.

3. Get to know your non-sexual pleasures

If you find that you struggle to answer the questions about sexual desire above, it may be because pleasure isn’t something you feel comfortable owning or experiencing—and probably for very good reason. Your body might not have always felt safe in scenarios where pleasure was involved, or you may have been taught to prioritize what others want from you versus what you want. After all, we live in a world where many bodies are under attack and in a culture that has long privileged men’s pleasure over women’s (hello, orgasm gap).

All of the above could mean you need some personal space to heal your relationship to pleasure. From an emotional perspective, when we are unable to feel pleasure, it’s not because we can’t access it; it’s because our bodies are protecting us from feeling anything at all so as to shield us from pain.

Before approaching more pleasurable sex, it might be helpful to explore what feels good, what you like, and what you want outside of sex, and report back to your partner. Sensual Self: Prompts and Practices for Getting in Touch with Your Body, by Ev’Yan Whitney, provides accessible journal prompts to get you started on your pleasure journey.

4. Create a transitional pre-sex practice for when the day’s obligations are done

One of the common complaints I hear is that people aren’t “in the mood” or are “too exhausted” at the end of the day for sex and deep connection. I do not doubt the truth of these statements; there are so many demands on our time and energy at this cultural moment.

But what may also be contributing to these feelings is the fact that, when we’re overwhelmed, the part of our brain that can connect is not readily available to us. If we attempt to go from a busy workday, an evening workout, or preparing dinner to pressing “go” on sexual connection, we are setting unrealistic expectations for ourselves.

Instead, create a transitional practice that enables your body to enter a window where connection feels possible. If you typically run anxious, ask yourself, “What sounds, sights, tastes, textures, and/or scents soothe me?” and see how you can incorporate one or more of these sensory items into a pre-sex ritual. Or, if you tend to feel low on energy or fatigued when the time for sex rolls around, do the same thing for the sensations or sensory items that typically energize you.

Integrating, for example, a few songs, movements, or fragrances that bring you back home to your body might give you just what you need to be able to shift into a connection space with your partner and make sex feel more exciting.

5. Get curious about your sex life

When we experience dissatisfaction in our sex life, we typically create a problem-focused narrative. It might sound something like, “My partner is lazy,” or “We aren’t compatible anymore.” The issue with this type of story is that it prevents further investigation. And it’s often just a strategy for avoiding feeling hurt, jealousy, or anger while steering clear of what’s really happening below the surface.

Instead, get curious about what’s happening or what’s changed in the dynamic with your partner. For example, instead of saying, “My partner doesn’t have energy for sex,” ask yourself, “What might be taking up all his energy?” Or, instead of saying, “I just don’t find sex pleasurable with my partner anymore,” ask yourself, “What has shifted for me when it comes to sex, and what may have shifted for her?” These open-ended questions offer up new pathways for connection, rather than shutting them down.

6. Discuss the sensitive or tough stuff

Sometimes, a boring or unsexy sex life is actually covering up disconnection in a relationship, which never feels good. Because our brains like to focus on what is familiar and predictable, many of us avoid asking questions about things that we fear, or to which the answers could vary widely. But when we aren’t talking about what’s really coming up for us, silence or physical disengagement accrues around these tough topics and creates thick layers of distance between us. And sex tends to fall away (or become less satisfying) in the resulting chasm.

When we aren’t talking about what’s really coming up for us, silence or physical disengagement accrues around these tough topics and creates thick layers of distance between us.

Ask yourself: What are you wondering about your partner, but are afraid to know the answer to? Some ideas are: “What sexual fantasies do you have that exist outside of us, and how would you want to share them with me?”, “What do you wish were different about our relationship?”, “What do you feel insecure about in our relationship?”, “What makes it hard for you to connect with me?”, and “What ideas do you have about bringing more fire into our connection?” Anything that invites newness into a relationship has the potential to enliven it.

7. Spend time doing fun things outside of your relationship

This sounds counterintuitive, but in actuality, finding joy outside of a relationship can help you thrive within the relationship. Sometimes, we depend too heavily on our partners to meet our every need, and this puts too much weight on the relationship for it to thrive. The route to closeness might actually be differentiation and spending more time on your own.

How are you nurturing your own garden? What is your sexual relationship with yourself like? Do you still do things that bring you playfulness and joy that have nothing to do with your partner? Accessing the sensual, sexual, and curious parts of you that you may have left behind when you coupled up won’t just leave you feeling more fulfilled; it could also help you do your part in reigniting a spark between you and your partner.

How hydration affects mood and cognition

Given that about 55–60 percent of the human body is comprised of water, it makes sense that drinking enough H2O is a key part of overall health and wellness. Being adequately hydrated is necessary for the body to perform important functions, like flushing out waste through peeing and pooping, regulating body temperature, lubricating joints, and protecting sensitive tissues like the spinal cord. Research has shown that even mild dehydration can negatively affect mood and the ability to think clearly.

Water makes up 75 percent of the brain’s mass, so being hydrated enough is important to help it carry out all its functions, and that includes the faculties you need to engage in conversation, like thinking clearly. Dehydration causes a host of negative effects, such as headaches, dizziness, and fatigue. “Any processes in the brain need water, so essentially nothing will function without having appropriate hydration levels, and so dehydration in general has a wide array of negative impacts,” says Margaret Morrissey, PhD, president of the National Heat Safety Coalition at the Korey Stringer Institute at the University of Connecticut. Being dehydrated can also elevate your cortisol, the hormone associated with stress—not the ideal state to be in for an important conversation.

A 2018 review of 33 studies published in the journal Medicine & Science in Sports & Exercise found that dehydration impairs cognitive performance, especially for tasks that require attention, motor coordination, and executive functioning. As you go about your day, you lose water through a host of activities, says Dr. Morrissey—sweating, peeing, crying, even breathing. If you don’t replenish those lost fluids by drinking enough water each day, you run the risk of dehydration. Feeling thirsty is one way to tell you need to drink more water, but there’s a more precise measurement: Dehydration is measured by comparing body mass loss (BML) to someone’s baseline weight, says Dr. Morrissey; mild dehydration is about one percent away from someone’s standard body weight, while two percent or more is “when we start to see more wide-ranging differences in performance and other metrics,” she says.

It’s for all these reasons that it’s a really good idea to stay adequately hydrated before going into an important conversation.

Why it’s a good idea to drink water before an important conversation

Given the effect hydration has on cognition and mood, it makes sense that drinking a glass of water before an important conversation that requires you to process your own emotions, plus that of another person, is a good idea.

Hydrating pre convo can help put you in the best mental state possible for the talk. “I always tell people it’s important to ‘do your own work,’ and what I mean is getting yourself in the right mental and physical state so you have the ability to hear and process what the other person is saying,” says relationship therapist Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT. This includes picking a time to talk when you’re not stressed or distracted, tired, hungry—or thirsty.

Sipping water during the conversation isn’t a bad idea, either; Panganiban says taking a beat during a conversation gives you some time to process and gather your thoughts, and can be a useful tool to de-escalate if things are getting a little emotional or intense. Bottoms up!

It’s not just IRL social interactions that have people feeling exhausted, either. This trend extends to the realm of social media as well, where platforms offer constant connectivity but can also contribute to feelings of social fatigue. Numerous studies have explored the relationship between social media use and mental well-being. For example, a survey conducted by the Royal Society for Public Health in the United Kingdom found that social media platforms, such as Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, can have both positive and negative effects on users’ mental health.

In terms of the negative effects, the survey revealed that 70 percent of young adults surveyed reported feelings of social fatigue and being overwhelmed by social media pressures.

Suffice it to say, while socializing is key for our overall health and well-being, there can be too much of a good thing: Social burnout can set in when you overextend and overstimulate yourself interacting with other people. That said, it can be helped and prevented with some preparation and self-care, experts say. Read on for how to identify, prevent, and recover from social burnout.

What is social burnout?

According to Viktoriya Karakcheyeva, MD, director of behavioral health at the Resiliency and Well-Being Center at George Washington University’s School of Medicine & Health Sciences, social burnout, which is often used interchangeably with social exhaustion, is when you feel run down, tired, and exhausted by socializing. Social burnout symptoms include feeling drained emotionally and physically, and even irritable. “Part of that exhaustion is related to overstimulation by other people wanting a piece of you, so your natural inclination is to shut down,” says Dr. Karakcheyeva. When you feel this way, it can impact the way you behave, as well as your mood. “When we’re overstimulated, we try to protect ourselves, so you may want to isolate, or you may feel irritable or short-tempered,” adds Dr. Karakcheyeva.

Every person has an individual threshold for when socializing goes from nourishing and fun to tiring and exhausting, so there isn’t an exact amount or limit before social burnout symptoms set in. Depending on your preferences and personality, some activities and interactions may be more or less draining than others—maybe a walk with your bestie is nourishing, while attending a larger birthday party makes you want to hide under the bed, or vice versa. Your level of introversion or extraversion plays a role here.

How to avoid social burnout

1. Set reasonable limits and boundaries

The best way to avoid social burnout is to actively limit the possibility of it occurring. One key way to do this, says Dr. Karakcheyeva, is to set reasonable limits and boundaries around your socializing to preserve your social battery. She suggests building this into your routine: At the beginning of each week, look through your planner or calendar if you keep one, or even just your messages and social media if that’s where you track invitations, and intentionally set some limits for yourself, Dr. Karakcheyeva advises.

In addition to the social engagements you’re entertaining, think about what else you have to take care of during this week, such as at work and home chores and factor in your total schedule when making decisions. You’ll also want to consider where you’re going, who you’ll be with, and how much energy and effort each takes.

Use your insights to plan your week and decide what’s possible to make sure the interactions are nourishing without becoming draining. You may have more bandwidth to handle more energetically taxing social events some weeks than others—that’s okay, as long as you are aware and adjust. “Really be realistic with what it takes out of you to interact and be open to adjusting,” says Dr. Karakcheyeva. Remember that part of having boundaries involves protecting them, too.

2. Change how and when you socialize

Adjusting the length, format, and time of hangouts can help make them more manageable. According to therapist Melissa Divaris Thompson, LMFT, these efforts can make events more doable and stave off social burnout. For example, instead of feeling pressured to stay for the entirety of a party, “stopping by and having a dessert or a drink and not necessarily committing to the whole evening is another way to get some of your energy back,” she says.

You can also try to adjust your existing plans to make them more feasible, too. For example, if you have a standing dinner with friends every Friday night but find yourself needing time to recoup from a busy work week, tap out, try to reschedule for Saturday, or skip that week. Maybe an in-person coffee date is too much one week, so you could suggest a FaceTime or phone call to catch up with a friend instead.

“In your communication with people when they’re asking you out or want you to attend this event, you can say: ‘I’ve been pretty tired lately, so right now I’m focusing my energy on doing some self-care.’”—Victoriya Karakcheyeva, MD

3. Communicate your needs clearly and honestly

If you notice social burnout symptoms and feel social exhaustion setting in, let your circle know you need a break. To staunch the flow of invitations, communicate kindly and honestly about what’s feasible for you in the moment as you recover. “In your communication with people when they’re asking you out or want you to attend this event, you can say: ‘I’ve been pretty tired lately, so right now I’m focusing my energy on doing some self-care,'” suggests Dr. Karakcheyeva.

You can also lay out a timeline for when you may be ready to hang out again—but don’t feel pressure to make this too early. If after an honest assessment you find that you want to be part of some plans and not others, for example maybe smaller gatherings instead of large ones, say so. Boundary setting and expressing ourselves is an ever-evolving process that gets easier with practice, so keep trying even if it feels hard.

How to get over social burnout

Preventing social burnout is easier and more preferable than recovering from it, but you can still bounce back if you find you’ve overextended yourself. According to Dr. Karakcheyeva and Divaris Thompson, once you’re socially exhausted the real solution is to slow down.

When you notice social burnout symptoms and you’ve hit the point of social exhaustion, both experts say it’s time to hit the pause button in a major way. Re-arrange your calendar and schedule to incorporate some “me time,” and include activities that are restful and restorative to you. Be sure you’re getting enough good quality sleep, drinking water, spending time outside, moving in a way you enjoy, and making time for activities that’ll ease your stress and add fun to your life. You may even block these times out in your schedule

The takeaway

Remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup, so the best way to deal with social burnout is to prevent it before it sets in. Like many things in life, moderation is key here—aim for a balance between me and we time. And if you find yourself running on empty, don’t be afraid to take a step back, (politely) decline some invites, and double down on your self-care routine.

The role your zodiac sign’s shadow side plays into your romantic relationships

First introduced by Swiss psychiatrist Carl Gustav Jung, the shadow self refers to those aspects of ourselves we’re not keen to have others know about and would rather turn away from or hide—or keep in the shadows, if you will. As clinical psychologist Carla Marie Manly, PhD, author of Joy From Fear, previously told Well+Good, “the shadow aspect tends to be the part we are not familiar with that we tend to repress.”

She says “it often holds the pieces of the self that are filled with shame, guilt, inferiority, and unlovability—all of those critical pieces that we like to keep away from the persona that is very ego-driven.” These traits can be largely positive, but may turn into negatives in the right circumstances or if taken to the extreme.

“Relationships can serve as a mirror, and if we are in a romantic relationship that’s allowing us to be our full selves, it’ll include the stellar parts of ourselves and the parts that you don’t really want to look at.”—astrologer Stephanie Gailing

Astrology allows us to dig a bit deeper into our personalities, and learning how your personality traits can affect your romantic relationships is part of that. “Relationships can serve as a mirror, and if we are in a romantic relationship that’s allowing us to be our full selves, it’ll include the stellar parts of ourselves and the parts that you don’t really want to look at,” says Stephanie Gailing, astrologer and author of Astrology: A Guide to Understanding Yourself Through the Sun, Moon, and Stars.

It’s key to remember that these traits themselves aren’t necessarily negative, but that they can come across as negatives. For example, think about how Capricorn’s meticulous planning and perfectionism can help them climb the corporate ladder, but how that same trait could also prevent them from actually getting into romantic relationships unless that person checks every one of their boxes, or how Libra’s desire for fairness and compromise can help them maintain relationships, but may leave their own needs unaddressed in a romantic partnership.

Read on for intel from Gailing and Alexandria Lettman, astrologer and founder of spiritual wellness platform Jupiter Jewel, about how each zodiac sign’s shadow side manifests in their romantic relationships.

How each zodiac sign’s shadow side impacts their romantic relationships, according to astrologers

Aries

It’s no secret that you act before you think sometimes, Aries. In many cases, your boldness is a plus, but to some this impetuousness and impulsiveness may come off as less than thoughtful. “You can be impulsive and self-focused, so you may rush to form relationships and may seem inconsiderate of others’ needs but only because you’re so in touch with your own needs,” says Lettman. To make sure your behaviors aren’t misinterpreted by your partner, Aries, slow down and consider your words and actions and how they’ll be received.

Taurus

Taurus, there’s a reason your sign is symbolized by the bull. Your determination can be read as being difficult, says Gailing. “You can come across as stubborn and overly slow to change,” she says. Try to let up a little, because compromise can be a great thing in relationships.

Gemini

It can be tough to hold your attention, Gemini, so you may be prone to losing interest in a romance if you feel bored or overlooked, says Lettman. This can be a great mechanism to make sure you’re getting what you want, but it could cause you to seem fickle. “Your instinct when a spark kind of fizzles is not to revive it but to move on, so this can make people think you’re just not serious about commitment,” she says. Instead of moving on so quickly, take stock and decide if there’s something worth working on and if there is, take steps to get back on track.

Cancer

Caring for and protecting those you love is part of how you show your affection, Cancer, but sometimes it may come off as smothering or overly guarding, says Gailing. “It can come across as ‘at all costs I will protect those people,’ and it may lose rationality,” she adds. As much as you want to nurture and protect, remember that you can’t do it always—Lettman adds that it’s key to allow your S.O. to do things on their own so your loving actions are better appreciated instead of resented.

Leo

Leo, it’s no secret you love the limelight, but while in many ways that showmanship is welcome, your penchant for drama can sometimes come across as too much. “You are prone to dramatics, especially when you’re bored, and this can come across as picking a fight,” says Lettman. Don’t start disagreements just to keep things interesting, and be sure to read the room and tone it down if necessary.

Virgo

Ever the perfectionist, Virgo, your meticulousness and attention for detail may come from a good place, but your notes can come across as criticism.”You may think you’re being supportive and helpful, but in actuality it’ll come across as critical and nit-picky,” says Lettman. Work on softening your approach and delivering feedback gently instead, she advises.

Libra

You always strive for balance and fairness, Libra, but sometimes you lose yourself in your diplomacy, which can lead to your needs and feelings not being considered. “The thing Libras have to watch out for is being too apt to compromise, and then feeling angry at the end of the day because nobody thought of them,” says Gailing. Your need to make everything fair and not taking a side can also come off as superficial, she adds. Set and maintain healthy boundaries to be sure your needs and desires are met, and watch that your constant compromising doesn’t lead you to harbor resentments toward your partner, advises Lettman.

Scorpio

Your deeply rooted desire for control feeds your need for concealment and mystery, Scorpio, but be sure to watch that you don’t push your partner away because of it, says Gailing. “It’s very all or nothing, and the main wound of Scorpio is the fear of abandonment, so it’s ‘I’m going to cut you before you cut me,’ so that secretiveness could cut somebody out,” she says. As tough as it can be, try to let your guard down, and don’t always go on the defensive.

Sagittarius

You’re the zodiac’s free spirit, Sagittarius, and you don’t let anyone get in your way of wandering and exploring—not even your S.O. But your need to always be independent and on the move may mean you leave your partner out, and can come across as inconsiderate or indifferent. “Because you’re so free-spirited, your significant other may think you’re just not thinking about others when you’re making plans,” says Lettman. Be sure to loop people in on what you’re up to.

Capricorn

Your caution and knack for planning may serve you well in many realms of life, Capricorn, but that same trait can hinder your romantic efforts. Because it takes a while for you to open up to someone, you may find that you’re so cautious that you don’t allow for spontaneity or opening up, says Lettman. “You’re quite emotionally reserved and unwilling to go deeper with someone, but it could take a long time for you to be ready for that, and by that time you could’ve missed the boat,” she says. Try to be a bit more spontaneous and put your planning pad down every once in a while.

Aquarius

You root your actions in logic, Aquarius, and care deeply about facts. Sometimes you may rely too much on thinking and not enough on feeling, so it could appear that you’re discounting your S.O.’s feelings; you may be prone to intellectualize others’ feelings, says Gailing, which creates emotional distance. “You could come across cold, rational, and detached,” says Gailing. Remember that love and affection involve both the head and the heart.

Pisces

You’re ever the romantic, Pisces, and your expansive imagination and ability to dream feeds that. You’re prone to escapism, so you need to watch that you don’t get so enamored of someone that you harbor delusions about the true nature of the relationship, says Gailing. “It could be wanting love so badly that you see it where it maybe doesn’t exist,” says Gailing. Keep your head and heart in the clouds, Pisces, but come down to earth for a reality check often enough to make sure your affections aren’t misplaced and are reciprocated in the way you deserve.

How your Venus sign influences romantic relationships

When considering what you need in a romantic relationship, it’s important to consider all the placements in your birth chart to account for all the facets of your personality, but your Venus sign, which refers to where Venus was in the sky when you were born, is key here because it’s all about your personality when it comes to love and pleasure. “Venus symbolizes your understanding of love in general because it’s literally the planet that represents what you need and value in a relationship, like how you love other people and how you need to be loved back,” says Alexandria Lettman, astrologer and founder of spiritual-wellness platform Jupiter Jewel.

“Venus symbolizes your understanding of love in general…how you love other people, and how you need to be loved back.”—Alexandria Lettman, astrologer

Depending on your birth chart, you’ll have one of the twelve zodiac signs as your Venus placement. Of course, each zodiac sign is imbued with particular traits due to its element and modality. Depending on a sign’s placement in your birth chart, its mannerisms will appear in that facet of your life. The same case is true here: your Venus placement is defined by the personality of its sign, which mean your habits, desires, and needs in love echo these characteristics.

For example, Scorpio Venuses take on the deep, passionate energy of that sign when it applies to love and lust, while an Aries Venus embodies that trademark fiery spark. Someone with a Venus placement in Cancer will be nurturing in their romantic relationships, while someone with a Venus in Pisces is likely a dreamy romantic eager to give their heart away.

Reading for your Venus sign can help you pinpoint exactly what you need in a romantic relationship. To find your Venus placement, enter your birth details—date, time, and location—into a free natal chart generator. Once you know your Venus placement, read on for star-sanctioned guidance from Lettman and Stephanie Gailing, astrologer and author of Astrology: An In Focus Workbook: A Guide to Understanding Yourself Through the Sun, Moon, and Stars about what you need in a romantic relationship.

What you need in a romantic relationship, according to your Venus sign

Aries

Because of your zest for life and cardinal fire sign energy, Aries,  you need someone who will keep you activated and on your toes, someone with whom you share a passionate spark and who will keep life exciting and engaging for the long haul. “Aries want partners who will throw themselves headfirst into something and who cares about keeping [the relationship] fresh and adventurous,” says Gailing.

Taurus

Taurus, your status as an earth sign means you’re deeply sensual and grounded, and your determination in all things you do means you put this energy into every facet of your life, including your romances. You need a partner who can be the other half of a strong team, and who will return your romance and affection in a way that doesn’t coddle or limit you, says Lettman. Your partner needs to show how much they care for you by “adding structure and value to your life,” she says. “Taurus wants someone who makes them feel really well-rounded and supported, and who will support you loudly and really hold them down,” she says.

Gemini

As the social butterfly of the zodiac, Gemini, you’re enthusiastic and personable. An ever curious air sign, you need a romantic partner who will hold your focus and attention, says Lettman. You need someone who is equally curious and adaptable, and will chat with you. “You want the butterflies to stay around for the duration of the relationship, and you need someone who is going to keep your attention,” she says.

Cancer

Cancer, part of how you express your love and affection is through caring for others, so Gailing says you need someone who will readily receive that. However, all this nurturing could have you pouring from an empty cup, so you need a romantic relationship where your other half is equally willing to do the same for you, she says. As the consummate host of the zodiac, it’s not to say you never leave the house, Cancer, or that you don’t like a great time out, but you love a cozy home, and someone who is down to spend the night in hosting a dinner party or curling up on the couch for TV and takeout will go a long way with you. You also require someone who is in tune with their own feelings, and who can handle yours—as a water sign, you’re deeply empathetic and caring, so a partner who can appreciates that and can balance it would be great.

Leo

Leo, you love when the spotlight is on you, and that’s no different in your needs for a romantic partner. According to Gailing, what you need in a romantic relationship is someone who will make you feel special and cared for. Think: sweet love notes, flower deliveries when you least expect them, and being wined and dined. But while you do love gifts and grand romantic gestures, what really matters is that your partner recognizes your singular charms—and doesn’t let you forget it. “You’re really poised toward joy and really interested in expressing yourself, so you want to feel really special in your partner’s eyes,” says Gailing. “You want to be in a relationship where the heart is really pronounced.”

Virgo

Virgo, your status as an earth sign means you’re quite grounded in love and life in general. Because of your high level of meticulousness and attention to detail, Gailing says a partner who shares a bit of this with you—but is a little more relaxed—can help you let loose in a good way. “Someone who will add a bit of dreaminess so you’re not so focused on the practical every day would be very sweet,” she says. Bonus points if they share your affinity for nature and can join you on romantic walks and nature outings.

Libra

You’re social and relationship-oriented, Libra, and you’re curious about others. In terms of what you need in a romantic partnership, says Gailing, you need someone who is willing to engage with you and others and indulge in your curiosities. “A partner who is closed in on themselves will likely be a no-go,” she says. It’s no secret that you do appreciate beauty and the finer things in life, and a partner who will shares in that joy is key for you, too, she says.

Scorpio

Scorpio, you have a reputation for being brooding and guarded, but also deeply sensual, passionate, and devoted once you deem your partner worthy—blame the emotional depths imparted to you as a water sign. For these reasons, what you need in a romantic relationship is a partner who will be deeply emotional and honest with you, someone who will willingly dive in and match your intense energy. You want a ride or die who will help you come into your full power—very all or nothing energy.

Additionally, you require a romantic partner who can fulfill your need for total intimacy, connection, and depth. You need someone who you actually want to reveal yourself and your secrets to, says Lettman. “You value someone who is able to open up without lies and secrecy,” she says. “You need someone who really understands the importance of un-distracted quality time to pick each others’ minds and really deepen that connection.”

Sagittarius

You’re the zodiac’s adventurer, Sagittarius, so it makes sense that you need a romantic partner who shares that same sense of gusto and lust for life. You have a knack for finding excitement and intrigue in the world around you, and Lettman says you need a partner who is capable of matching that energy. “You need a playful relationship, something that makes you feel lifted and on top of the world like you could go anywhere and do anything with this person,” she says. Anyone who will limit you or dampen your enthusiasm and expansion won’t do.

Another key piece of your appetite for adventure has to do with your wisdom and ability to think deeply, so Lettman says you need a partner who can match you there and is willing to ponder all the biggest, thorniest questions alongside you—sometimes for hours on end. “You need someone who you can talk to for ages and just not get bored with,” she adds.

Capricorn

You work so hard in all realms of your life, Capricorn, so you need a romantic partner who can allow you to show the softer side of yourself without judgement or fear. According to Lettman, you need someone who is authentic and who can fill in the blanks in the areas you need extra support with, like being emotionally vulnerable. “Capricorn Venus approaches love in a very grounded and practical sense because they’re so strong in themselves, so they need someone who can come into their life and offer support in the areas where they aren’t so strong like opening up emotionally,” she says. Loyalty and fidelity are also paramount to you, and your reputation for practicality is well-earned, so Galiing says you need a partner who ticks these boxes at the same time.

Aquarius

You can sometimes feel like a bit of a puzzle, Aquarius, because you care deeply about others, but also greatly value your independence. You adore your friendships and desire a relationship, according to Lettman and Gailing, but your worst nightmare would be a romantic relationship where your independence is taken away or diminished, so you need a partner who respects your need to pull away and follow your own drumbeat when you need to. “You want freedom to work on your important project or to be with your friend, so that space is really important,” says Gailing. An air sign that’s altruistic and humanitarian, you need a partner who can match you intellectually and who supports your visions and desire to work toward a better world—even if you don’t necessarily agree on everything.

Pisces

You’re the zodiac’s dreamer, Pisces, and you wear your heart and your many feelings on your sleeve. You love nothing more than being in love. According to Gailing and Lettman, people with this Venus sign want a romantic relationship that resembles what you’d see in a cinema—you want to be part of a grand romance. But while your head and heart are up in the clouds, you need a partner with some grounding who can make sure you keep at least some connection to reality, says Gailing. “There’s a romantic spirit to Pisces because they’re dreamy, passionate, artistic, compassionate, and really sensitive where they want to be, on some level, swept away,” she says. “But you need to be careful you’re not carried away by fantasy.” A practical partner who can lend support without entirely diminishing or discounting your dreams would mesh well with your energy.

According to relationship experts, the best guidance here comes with understanding the differences between deep, intimate friendship (or platonic intimacy) and deep, intimate situationships (or unlabeled relationships that are more intense than a platonic friendship).

At its most distilled, platonic intimacy is the emotional intimacy that exists between good pals. “The people we have emotionally intimate friendships with are the people who see us for exactly who we are,” says Zoe Kors, intimacy expert and resident sex and intimacy coach with Coral, a sexual wellness app. “These are the folks you might use as a sounding board,” she says.

Usually, you care about their perspective, vent to them, and process your feelings with their help—and vice versa. But (and this is important!), while you might call these people your best friend, platonic soul mate, or PIC, they’re nonetheless just friends, and you have no intention to take the relationship to another emotional or sexual level.

“Someone not being honest and transparent with their partner about the things they discuss or reveal to their friend is one of the main symptoms of emotional cheating.” —Zoe Kors, intimacy expert

So, when does platonic intimacy shift into emotional cheating? According to Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC, relationship expert and licensed therapist, cheating is any breach in the boundaries of your relationship, and emotional cheating involves developing a deeper emotional bond with someone than your partner(s) would be comfortable with.

It also commonly involves a degree of secretiveness. “Someone not being honest and transparent with their partner about the things they discuss or reveal to their friend is one of the main symptoms of emotional cheating,” Kors adds.

Key differences between platonic intimacy and emotional cheating

First, let’s name the similarity: Both emotional cheating and platonic intimacy involve emotional intimacy. And to be clear, “emotional intimacy is a normal, healthy part of all kinds of relationships,” says Kors. Caraballo agrees, adding that “it’s an important ingredient in people feeling like they have a community and support system.”

The key differences between platonic intimacy and emotional cheating, then, is the appropriateness and sometimes depth of the emotional intimacy therein, says Kors. “The difference hinges on whether or not you are engaging with someone in a way that threatens the stability of your primary relationship,” she says. This threat can take a number of forms, but Kors points to violating a partner’s trust or allowing romantic or sexual undercurrents to grow as main points of contention.

3 signs of emotional cheating

1. You’re keeping secrets from your partner

“Healthy relationships are founded on trust and transparency, and secrets betray that trust,” says Kors. As such, “keeping secrets is the very definition of cheating,” she says. This does not mean that you need to share every single thing with your partner. “But it’s a big red flag when you have any kind of relationship that needs to be hidden from your partner,” she says.

If you find yourself glossing over the depth of your dynamic with someone, deleting text conversations with them, or otherwise sneaking around to contact them, you may well be cheating.

2. You’re spending more time with this person than your partner

There will be times in life when you spend more time with someone other than your partner. For instance, maybe you and your partner are in a long-distance relationship and you have a roommate. Or maybe you have a co-worker you sit next to five days a week, and you don’t live with your partner. In general, though, Kors says to consider the amount of time you spend with someone else compared to your partner as a litmus test.

Ask yourself: Has the amount of quality time I spend with my partner decreased since I grew close to this person? Do I spend more time with this person than my partner (and like it)? Do I prefer spending time with this person to spending time with my partner?

If you answered yes to any of the above, you’re in murky territory. “If tending to your friendship distracts you from your partner, and depletes the time and energy that you would spend on your partner, something is off,” says Kors.

3. Your gut (or groin) is telling you that you’re in cheating territory

Emotional cheating may be an affair of the heart, but usually it’s your other body parts that register the cheating first. “Typically, emotional cheating is coupled with active deception, which can create feelings of guilt and shame,” says Caraballo. If you get an anxious belly when you think about the nature of your relationship with your non-partner, that’s your body telling you something.

Kors also recommends paying attention to the kind of sexual responses you have when around this person. Do you get a tingle? Does blood rush to your cheeks (or elsewhere)? “Developing sexual desire toward your friend threatens the stability of your relationship,” says Kors—especially if you find yourself seeking out the rush.

How to stop your intimate friendships from moving into emotional cheating

If you are getting close with a friend, and you want to make sure you are on the same page, invite them to have a conversation about the nature of your friendship. “Start by articulating what you appreciate about them as a friend,” says Kors. “Describe what they bring to your life, what you gain from your relationship, and what it means to you to have a clearly defined friendship that doesn’t threaten your romantic partnership.”

Texting or articulating these sentiments gives them space to share the same, she says, which, long-term, can help you create a bond that is mutually nourishing but still operates within the boundaries of your romantic relationship.

What to do if you think your partner is emotionally cheating on you

There’s nothing quite as painful as thinking your partner has allowed another person to become the co-lead of their life. But rather than sitting in the anxiety of the unknown or checking your partner’s phone or email for evidence of infidelity, talk to them.

Avoid the blame game, suggests Kors, and “try to have a broader conversation about what it means to be intimate, what the nature of friendship is, and what they need in order to feel safe in the relationship and what inspires trust.” Setting a broader context creates a container in which to work through any of your current (or future) jealousies with care and respect.

Equally important as initiating these discussions is listening to what your partner says during them… really listening. After all, it’s possible your partner really is just friends with this person and is reveling in having someone to share their love of fishing with, for example.

Ultimately, “these kinds of conversations can be hard, but they are made so much easier when you approach them with patience, openness, and sincerity,” says Caraballo. And if you can’t bring those things to this conversation, that may be a symptom that the person in question isn’t the right mate for you, anyway

Trans joy exists in the little victories of being trans, in the knowing that people like us are not inherently bad or different or lesser than anyone else. It thrives in the small affirmations passed around at coffee shops, in between the pages of novels shared between friends—in quiet, passive, unmarked representation in the ubiquity of life.

To me, it’s important to celebrate the power of the unspoken camaraderie in the trans community and the bond we share, even when we don’t exchange words. It’s a bond that exists without needing to identify oneself as trans or advocate for trans rights—no matter what, we support each other by simply existing.

Some of the most authentic moments of joy I’ve experienced have been small or even unspoken exchanges with other trans folks. Tiny acknowledgements from other folks in the community can be affirming, empowering, and joy-provoking—and they don’t need to be overt or loud messages to be effective.

Tiny acknowledgements from other folks in the trans community can be affirming, empowering, and joy-provoking—and they don’t need to be overt or loud messages to be effective.

For instance, my band, Blankslate, recently opened for the trio Caamp at a sold-out music venue in Aspen, Colorado. After our set, as my bandmates and I made our way through the crowd, a young man stopped me and complimented our performance.

After discussing our music, he shared that he had scrolled through my Instagram and discovered that I am trans—just like he is. He thanked me for the quiet representation we provided (one of my bandmates also happens to be trans); he said he never expected to see that going into the night.

To me, that note of “quiet representation” speaks to the core of trans joy—it’s in how you live your daily life; every interaction has the capacity to be positive when you’re living authentically.

“Quiet representation” speaks to the core of trans joy—it’s in how you live your daily life; every interaction has the capacity to be positive when you’re living authentically.

In my day job, I work as a newspaper reporter, primarily covering crime and courts in Jefferson County, Colorado. I do not get to interview a high number of trans people, but when someone does disclose that they are trans, I can afford them a safe space that they may not always get in a media setting. It’s quiet representation and unspoken camaraderie at work. Trans people transition because we want to live our lives in accordance with who we know ourselves to be. And when we do so, we overwhelmingly see positive changes in almost every aspect of life.

Since coming out as trans, I’ve become closer to my family and friends, more productive at work and more creative as a musician—and I credit all of that to choosing to live my truth. To say that doing so infringes upon others is bigotry, plain and simple.

In the face of legislative attacks on trans rights, community is more important than ever. Having a best friend who also happens to be trans has been vital for my mental health. With each other to lean on, if we see something upsetting on the news or have a challenging day at work, we’re able to rally around each other and provide support and empathy. I’m also lucky to have a support system with a lot of people who can sympathize with the trans experience. And for folks who don’t have a trans best friend or a strong support network, the network of unspoken camaraderie and quiet representation can feel like a warm hug in daily life.

Trans people excel at being there for one another. We understand each other’s lived experiences in complex, nuanced ways, and we can provide support— and levity—in moments of tribulation.

“I believe strongly that community is not just healing, but life-saving,” says Emma Mahn, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker who works with trans patients “It creates a sense of belonging and safety that is so necessary for everyone, but especially for marginalized people like the trans community.”

All in all, being trans is a joyous, beautiful, life-sustaining thing. Even in the face of attacks on our rights and livelihood, we are stronger together than any hatred or bigotry could ever be. The quiet representation I feel and network of unspoken camaraderie I experience in the trans community reinforces that reality to me every month of the year, with pride.

But when it comes to being in a heterosexual relationship where only one of us (read: me, a cisgender woman) is expected to get birth control so that we both don’t have a child before we’re ready, I absolutely expect something for my efforts—much like a push present for giving birth, but in this case, for actively preventing birth. Especially when getting that birth control placed inside your body feels like your insides are being scraped away by the claws of a demon.

Why, yes, I do have an IUD. How did you know?

I’m in the best relationship I’ve ever been in, and I’ve been on birth control since I was the ripe age of 15. But let me tell you: When I got my IUD placed for the first time a few weeks ago (I was an arm implant kind of girl before), the first thing I thought was that this man better get me something real nice for enduring this amount of pain for the sake of us both.

I was heated—so much so that I made a TikTok video just to get some things off my chest. It was nothing wild; I just said that anyone who gets an IUD to maintain the current state of a relationship deserves dinner, ice cream, perhaps a mansion, from their partner for their Herculean efforts.

Lo and behold, I’m not the only person who feels this way. The video blew up. It has nearly 3 million views, 260,000 likes, and thousands of comments from people who had similarly crummy IUD experiences as mine, who thought that they, too, deserved a little somethin’ somethin.’

“Real. I deserve compensation for being bedridden for a day and a half,” wrote one user. “Babes, I’m on my 3rd, and I started with the copper one (used to faint from heavy flows/low iron)… I deserve a damn Hawaiian vaca and a new car,” wrote another.

My feelings about deserving a gift from my partner for getting an IUD are only partially about the pain experienced; the other part is principal.

Now, I’m not trying to be a fearmonger here—everybody reacts differently to the placement of an IUD, and some people don’t even feel more than some cramping (how lucky to be them). Regardless, my feelings about deserving a gift from my partner for getting an IUD are only partially about the pain experienced (more on that below). The other part is principal.

Men and non-uterus-havers don’t give birth and aren’t expected to be on birth control. Women and uterus-havers do and are. Therefore, the former group can—and should—repay the latter group in some way (food, gifts, verbal affirmation, you name it) when they tackle the often-painful biological requirement for birth or contraception.

Why I think it’s important to normalize recognition (like a gift) from a partner for getting an IUD

The expectation that naturally falls on uterus-having people to handle contraception in a relationship is at the root of my desire to make IUD push presents a thing. “I think the larger feeling here is that women want acknowledgement, and some may consider that in the form of a physical gift,” says therapist Beth Gulotta, LMHC, who specializes in dating and relationships, when I ask her about the reasoning behind my request.

“The sentiment is that their partner sees and validates [the act of getting an IUD] as a contribution to the relationship, especially if this is a joint decision about the best means of birth control for the relationship,” adds Gulotta. “They want to feel like this is appreciated by their partner and seen as doing something for the relationship and not just an implied responsibility because of [biological sex].”

Indeed, it’s the implied responsibility so often placed on women and uterus-havers that hurts—both physically and emotionally. For starters, the societal roles that women are traditionally expected to fulfill (not just working in the labor force, but also domestic work and family care-giving) account for a longer list than what’s expected of men, says clinical psychologist Roger B. Fillingim, PhD, director of the Pain Research and Intervention Center of Excellence at the University of Florida.

That’s to say, women still operate in a broken system with higher demands on their time, attention, and general bandwidth than that of men. Given the systemic issues underscoring that reality, some of the roles that women hold “aren’t ones from which they can easily take vacation,” says Dr. Fillingim, which means that when they’re in pain, “they’re often in the position of having to power through it.” What’s worse, his data suggests that women also bear a greater burden of pain, in part because “historically, and to some degree still, their pain is under-treated.”

This leads me to my next tiff with the IUD process, and even more of a reason we, IUD-havers, deserve some recognition. More often than not, people who are getting an IUD placed aren’t given any pain medications or offered anesthesia; the recommendation is just to take some Ibuprofen an hour prior. To my utter lack of surprise, the stuff I use to treat hangovers did little to make my cervix feel better when under attack (to put it dramatically).

When I got my IUD, I felt like the lovely, very sweet and kind OB/GYN was shredding my stomach from the inside out. In reality, Jonathan Schaffir, MD, an OB/GYN at The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center, says the doctor was simply measuring my cervix, disinfecting the area, and then placing the rod.

That description sure sounds a lot less gruesome than what I pictured was happening, but alas, it’s hard for doctors to know how to prepare patients for what to expect from the procedure. “The [pain] just really is rather unpredictable in terms of the great variety of women’s experiences,” says Dr. Schaffir of IUD placement.

While some doctors (and many Google results) report that the pain level during IUD insertion is light to moderate—one of the first search results even says the process is a “2/10” on the pain scale—some studies suggest that experiencing a more substantial amount of pain is common. Indeed, one 2016 report of 100 women who got an IUD found that 78 percent said they experienced moderate to severe pain during the insertion.

That’s all the more reason why I think we IUD-having baddies deserve some sort of gift. AKA support, according to Gulotta. “I think it is important that the partner [of the person getting the IUD] makes sure they are available to take care of them through their recovery,” she says. “They should be there to go with you, pick up any necessary prescriptions, stock the fridge with drinks and snacks—little gestures of acknowledgement and thoughtfulness are significant.”

“I think it is important that the partner [of the person getting the IUD] makes sure they are available to take care of them through their recovery.” —Beth Gulotta, LMHC, therapist

That includes emotional gestures, too, adds Gulotta: “Simply sharing that they acknowledge this contribution to the relationship and taking care of you emotionally and physically is important.”

As for an actual gift from a partner for getting an IUD placed? Gulotta isn’t so quick to say it’s necessary. Some of the resentment I felt toward my non-uterus-having boyfriend was likely displaced, she says, and may have had more to do with society’s faults than anything he did or should have done.

“It can seem unfair that women have to bear the entirety of the reproductive burden, in some ways…and it’s easy to place this anger on a partner and to develop narratives of inequity,” says Gulotta. Holding onto the idea that women are supposed to do this, and men don’t need to acknowledge it can make you resent a partner who isn’t necessarily in the wrong, she adds. But on the flip side, they should certainly be present to offer support just how they would for any challenging or painful experience, in alignment with how you’d like to receive it, she adds.

If that’s a physical gift—like I wanted—then, I think that’s totally fair. After all, if you’re getting an IUD for the sake of a relationship (or any type of birth control that can send your body into a hormonal anger spiral brought on by cramps and bleeding), you deserve some acknowledgement from a non-uterus-having partner that they’ll never know what that feels like… and maybe a meal, some chores handled, and a whole lot of “thank you’s.”

And in case you’re wondering, yes, my lovely boyfriend did do all of this for me, and he’s safe in our house no longer experiencing the displaced frustration I exhibited the day of my IUD placement. But I’m still a little heated at men and society as a whole. I bled for nearly a month straight and had cramps so bad, I could feel them in my ears. Can you blame me?

It’s likely if you feel this way that you already like what you know about this person, and the good news is that you’re already unknowingly engaging in a foundational practice that relationship researcher John Gottman, PhD, co-founder of The Gottman Institute, says builds and sustains long-lasting love: creating a love map.

What is a love map, and why build one?

When you think of a map, you may think of it as a tool to get you from point A to point B—the same idea is at play here. According to certified Gottman couples therapist Laura Silverstein, LCSW, owner and clinical director of Main Line Counseling Partners and author of Love Is an Action Verb: Stop Wasting Time and Delight in Your Relationship, a love map is “basically a cognitive map of how well partners know one another’s inner worlds.”

That inner world encompasses whatever knowledge you have about your partner—their wants, fears, favorites, hopes, dreams, things they despise, their core memories. “It’s everything from what it was like for you in third grade, to who you get along with at work, or how you get along with your mom, or how you like your coffee,” says Silverstein. Each map is individual, but shared memories, for example how you first met or any trips you’ve taken together, go into each person’s map of their partner. All this information paints a more complete picture of the person for their significant other.

This practice is key to building a bedrock of intimacy, trust, and connection because it shows partners that you have genuine interest in who they are. First introduced in Dr. Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the love map is one of the seven key components that make up what Dr. Gottman calls the “sound relationship house.”

Dr. Gottman believes that a stable relationship is like a house; it needs strong support—and a solid foundation—to stay standing. The first three levels of the house, explains Silverstein, are all about establishing a foundation of friendship. Creating a love maps is the first piece of this friendship-building stage.

Gathering—and retaining—all this information about your S.O. (or a prospective S.O.) shows that you care about them by making them feel seen and not alone, says certified Gottman couples therapist Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT, which boosts and deepens your connection. “The foundation of a strong friendship is knowing someone and feeling known, and being able to open up and share your internal world, and trusting that person will remember those things, ” she says. Knowing someone also helps you be a better partner to them, and vice versa. When someone is in a relationship where their partner doesn’t care about or remember their inner world, it can feel isolating, lonely, and hurtful, says Silverstein—these feelings don’t lend themselves to a lasting, loving partnership.

This same principle applies to getting to know someone you are considering making your partner. Every time you go on a date, you probably ask open-ended questions because you want to learn more about who they are and to suss out whether they’re a compatible match, says Silverstein. This exchange is key to decide if you want to go on a second date.

Think about why it feels annoying and uncomfortable when a date doesn’t ask you any questions about yourself—it gives the impression they don’t care to know more about you, while someone who is interested and engaged in conversation and wants to know more is appealing and trying to build a connection. Doing the work to learn about someone shows you care, say Panganiban and Silverstein, which builds the foundation your relationship rests on.

How to build a love map of your partner

Ask open-ended questions and retain the answers

Building love maps happens through communication. To learn more about your partner, Panganiban and Silverstein suggest asking open-ended questions that allow your partner (or a person you’re interested in) to tell you about themselves. Open-ended questions are ones that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no, and that require whoever is asked to give detailed answers that’ll help you glean more about who they are. As you learn more about your partner and build their love map, Silverstein says you’ll naturally use these answers to inform your relationship. For example, Silverstein says, if you find out your partner is allergic to shellfish you will be sure not to plan a date night at a restaurant where it’s served.

Non-verbal communication is also part of building love maps, too.

According to Silverstein, every time you observe your partner and their behavior is a time you add to your love map—it’s all about gathering information. For example, maybe you notice your partners smiles a lot when you cuddle or stroke their hair, so you can add that they like when you do that to their love map. Or, perhaps you notice they like to sleep in soft cotton pajamas—in turn, you could use this information by deciding to buy them a pair for their birthday.

Of course, it’s key to remember that you may not know everything about your partner, and that’s okay. Save for major parts of who they are or what they want, it’s okay if you’re not always up to date on what they had for lunch the previous day or can’t recall the name of their best friend from college, says Silverstein—that doesn’t mean you’re lacking connection, or necessarily that your relationship isn’t strong. Some people are more observant than others or more detail-oriented, plus each person in a relationship has the right to privacy, and building a love map certainly shouldn’t involve interrogating or surveilling your partner, or toppling their boundaries.

If you find yourself wanting to know more or like your knowledge of them is lacking in one arena, there’s an easy fix, says Silverstein—ask more questions, and remember their answers! The process of building your love map should feel fun and rewarding, not taxing and tough. “It’s important to be really generous and patient as you get to know each other, and not feel pressure to get it right because getting to know each other is a fun activity,” she adds.

“It’s important to be really generous and patient as you get to know each other, and not feel pressure to get it right because getting to know each other is a fun activity.”—Silverstein

Keep in mind: you’re never done building your love map, because there’s always more to learn about your partner. According to Panganiban and Silverstein, it’s key to keep these conversations going and even if you feel you know your partner inside and out because people change constantly. Just like you wouldn’t use an outdated map on a road trip, you don’t want to be without the current version of your partner’s inner world, either.

Questions to ask to get deeper

So how do you put this into practice? To return to our road trip metaphor, think about what would go into a map: once you have the broad contours of the route from point A to point B sorted out, you can start to paint a more detailed picture of that path—think about the detours, the coffee shops and lunch spots along the way, and the cool sights to see. The same concept applies to building your love map, says Silverstein.

Here’s what this looks like in a dating scenario: Let’s say you’re on a first date, and keen to learn more—you’re probably not going to ask about someone’s biggest trauma, and you may find it odd if someone did the same to you. According to Silverstein, it’s best to “test the waters of vulnerability so you’re not putting your heart on a platter for someone you don’t know yet,” so it’s best to ask your questions in phases starting from more surface level to more deep and vulnerable. (This doesn’t have to happen in one sitting, by the way.)

What does this look like in practice? You could start by asking someone about what kind of music they like or what their favorite hobby or food is, suggests Silverstein, then if they respond well this could lead to questions with more detailed and intimate answers. The point is to open more doors as the conversation and relationship progresses, so you can add more to the love map.

Not sure where to start? Here are two types of questions Silverstein suggests asking to gain deeper insight into the subject of your love map:

1. Questions about the future:
Examples: What are you dreaming about or aspiring to? What hopes/dreams do you have for our family, or yourself, or our relationship? Where in the world have you visited that you’d want to visit together?

2. Questions about their inner feelings:
Examples: What’s been stressing you out lately? What are you proud of? When was the last time you felt truly happy?

All in all, you’re already building a love map with someone if you’re trying to get to know them. So keep chatting, asking questions, and building that connection—strengthening that relationship by getting to know them better will only lay the groundwork for a stronger partnership.

To clear the air about Gemini traits, we tapped several astrologers who understand Gemini’s natural duality as a positive. “We make people feel less alone because we are twins,” astrologer and real-life Gemini twin (along with his sister Courtney) Colin Bedell, author of Zodiac Signs: Gemini, says. “We mirror other people’s experiences and understand the emotion that underpins that experience, which is what inspires people to feel less disengaged.”

Below, Bedell along with other astrologers lay out the real deal about Gemini traits. So get ready, because there’s so much to love about Geminis.

10 Gemini personality traits that describe the twin sign of the zodiac

1. Geminis are clear communicators

Geminis are exceptionally curious and very adept at verbal communication, which makes sense, as the planet that rules Gemini is Mercury, the planet associated with communication. You can see Mercury’s influence in Gemini when it comes to their strong communication skills. “They know how to say what they need to say, and they mean what they say,” says Bedell.

“They may change their mind afterward, but they’re very clear communicators. I find they have a really great sense of humor, and they don’t take themselves too seriously.”

2. Geminis are very lucky

It always seems like Geminis almost fall into their success—and this is largely because they are so adaptable. “They find themselves in right-place, right-time situations, because they’re light on their feet and really adaptable, and the universe responds well to that,” says Bedell. This is inherent to their nature, as Gemini is one of the mutable signs. They can adapt easily to change, rather than letting it throw them off course.

3. Geminis are fast learners

If you throw a Gemini into a new situation, they will take it as a welcome challenge. They thrive on stimulation and are quick to pick up a new skill, with the caveat that the activity has to invigorate both their mind and hands. “They enjoy keeping busy but [they] need the practical and applied learning to keep their interest,” says astrologer Noush Joon from Girl and Her Moon.

It should also come as no surprise that Gemini’s element in astrology is air, given their curiosity and intellectual openness.

4. Geminis love going with the flow

Due to their mutable nature, flexibility comes easy to Gemini who is happy to go wherever the wind takes them. “They are not going to get upset if plans change on a whim,” says Joon. “Spontaneity is part of Gemini’s life force. They allow life to unfold before their eyes without needing a solid plan to follow.”

5. Geminis are quick-witted

Geminis aren’t just quick on their feet, they’re also quick thinkers who are always ready with an idea or witty remark. “They enjoy playful banter and are not afraid to ruffle some feathers,” says Joon. She adds that because they think and speak quickly, Geminis often don’t allow enough time to properly think through what they’re going to say, which can sometimes get them in trouble.

6. Geminis are often quick to answer

Gemini can speak with a lot of authority on topics that encompass a lot of ambiguity, uncertainty, and risk. In that scenario, Geminis have a tough time hitting pause to say, “You know what? I don’t have an answer for you right now. But I will tell you when I get there.” Without taking the time to synthesize thoughts and provide measured answers, Gemini can overcommit and underdeliver.

7. Geminis change their mind often, too

A Gemini’s go-with-the-flow attitude can be a good and bad thing. “They’ll change a value or a plan or an idea without also considering the fact that there are people who are a little bit more committed [and] a little bit more attached to results,” Bedell says. “And if they’re not communicating the evolution of the change, then they’re going to show a lack of integrity. That’s a really hard scarlet letter to scrub off.”

8. Geminis tend to overthink things

Geminis are quick to speak, but they can struggle to think things through and make a decision. “Gemini can have a strong mind. However, there is a lot going on in there,” Joon says. “If we were to metaphorically dissect their brains, it might reveal a chaotic circus of thoughts spiraling into one another.”

9. Geminis are not the most honest sign

“Gemini has such a knack for storytelling and feels such a joy in self-expression, that at times they can stretch out parts of a story in order to negate telling the complete and concise series of events,” Joon says. This, as you can imagine, can make things confusing when talking to a Gemini because they likely have many versions of the same story.

10. Geminis can get wrapped up in drama

Each zodiac sign has their version of toxic traits. For Gemini, in particular, one of them is that they can thrive on drama. “Gemini can enjoy constant stimulation, so there is a part of them that enjoys the chaos of drama as it unfolds before them,” Joon says. “They can also often be the ones creating the drama to keep things interesting.”

How to get along with a Gemini

These lavishly verbal folks will light up if you communicate with them on their level or even close to their level (remember, Geminis are very charismatic wordsmiths). To make sure you’re successful in this way, Bedell recommends using a method based on the research of psychologists John Gottman, PhD, and Julie Gottman, PhD: Make 50 percent of the dialogue with the Gemini an open-ended question.

Giving a verbal prompt versus statements that sound like wooden PR releases will delight a Gemini. Instead of “So, what do you do for a living?” try more free-flowing lines like, “Hey, so I was curious—how did you get into that? Because I thought that you like this thing more.” And then just keep it going. Pulling your weight in a conversation will make a Gemini very, very happy, according to Bedell.

“And also, who doesn’t love somebody who has a good sense of humor and who takes things lightly? Energizing rich dialogue with questions, hilarity and a little bit of adventure would really make any Gemini very happy,” Bedell says.

What Gemini needs to be happy

In short, lots of freedom, exploration and intellect, space to explore and ask questions. Remember, Geminis are Alice in Wonderland–level curious, which can be dangerous and isn’t always celebrated. But they can handle the curiosity. They can survive and thrive while searching for something meaningful, scratching an itch of intellectual stimulation while they’re at it, and have a great story to tell as a result.

“What Gemini needs to be happy is to use the power of communication, to wrap language around the truth, and to make other people feel less alone,” says Bedell.

Gemini in love and friendship

In romantic relationships, Geminis can be very thoughtful and enjoy surprising their partners. “Gemini is always listening and while it doesn’t often seem like they are retaining much, you would be surprised how much they have paid attention to your likes and dislikes,” Joon says. They’re also lighthearted and playful in relationships, she adds.

So how do you attract a Gemini? Joon notes that they love a partner who is as open as they are to experience and enjoy the world. They’re also drawn to people who have a sharp sense of humor, express curiosity (such as by asking questions), and aren’t too clingy.

On the other hand, if you’re trying to break up with a Gemini there are a few things to keep in mind. “Absolutely do not ghost your Gemini or you will send them in an endless thought spiral of insanity,” Joon says. “Being very clear, very direct, and showing respect for their future without you, encouraging them, and ending on friendly terms is the best way to go.”

As friends, Geminis know how to keep things interesting and entertaining. “You never know what your Gemini friend is up to, but when you meet up with them there can be all kinds of stories they unravel about themselves that you had not come prepared to hear,” Joon says. With their family, they’re also loyal, loving, and committed. “They always have love to give to their family, including their siblings, cousins, and distant relatives. Gemini enjoys connecting to their roots and having fun with what they might discover.”

These traits can help determine Gemini compatibility—or rather which of the fellow zodiac signs Gemini are most and least compatible with.

The zodiac signs Gemini is most compatible with

Gemini has mutable, go-with-the-flow air sign energy that can help them get along with everyone. According to Joon, the signs Geminis have the most compatibility with include fellow air sign Aquarius and fire signs Aries, Leo, and Saggitarius. “These signs enjoy the freedom and space in relationships to be who they are and can offer the mental stimulation or the physical activity and passion that Gemini craves out of life,” she says.

The zodiac signs Gemini is least compatible with

As for Gemini incompatibility, Joon points to water signs Cancer and Pisces and earth signs Taurus and Capricorn. “There is something about how these signs view life that is very different to the values of a Gemini,” she says. “If there are no other harmonious aspects in their comparative charts, there can be some major clashes between these signs and a Gemini.”

That said, Bedell is of the belief that there’s no such thing as bad compatibility and thinks more in terms of personality traits. A Gemini is best matched with someone who can keep them mentally stimulated while being a grounding force, but not in a ball-and-chain type of way. “They appreciate the freedom of it all [and] the comfortable distance,” Bedells says.

So give your Gemini friend or lover some breathing room, because distance is necessary for this star sign to keep a spark. If you want to keep a Gemini engaged, you need to keep that room for uncertainty—otherwise they’re going to bounce.

Gemini at work

Although Geminis may be a bit flighty in other areas, when it comes to their careers, they’re hard workers. As long as their mind is stimulated and they have space to move around and be themselves in their work environment, Joon says they’ll thrive and will be eager to learn and grow their skills.

In particular, Geminis can best use their gifts in psychology, communication, and the relational sciences. Finding a job that plays up Geminis interpersonal skills is crucial. So Bedell says to think about writing, research, academic storytelling, media, “anything where they can put their gift of articulation and analysis to use in service to others.” Joon adds that they also enjoy roles that involve movement, travel, networking, and teaching. And if they don’t find the work exciting and engaging, they won’t be afraid to pivot and start over.

Gemini’s likes and dislikes

Geminis have an insatiable sense of curiosity, and they love learning new insights and thinking up new ideas. They like anything that will stimulate their mind, says astrologer Rachel Lang, such as books, podcasts, news, and social media. Their natural curiosity extends to others, too. “Gemini is a natural journalist, and they love asking questions to get to the heart of the subject,” she says. “They can make small talk like no other sign.”

On the flip side, “they don’t like when others hold back information—they feel shut out when their friends or lovers don’t communicate,” Lang says. “They need a healthy flow of communication. They may forget to text you back, but they take it hard when you don’t get right back to them.”

Moreover, Geminis hate being bored. They need activity, stimulation, movement, and people around them, Joon says. Stagnancy is also a big fear for them. “Not growing, not learning, not having new experiences or meeting new people is a fast lane to an unhappy Gemini,” she adds. “This sign is not about buckling down and moving slowly towards one goal, they need multiple goals and thrive in a changing or evolving environment that challenges their mind and keeps them from spiraling into a whirlwind of thoughts.”

Gemini’s challenges and growth opportunities

“Staying focused is one of the biggest challenges for Gemini because they get bored quickly,” says Emily Newman, psychic reader, spiritual healer, counselor, and astrologer at Best of Psychic Reader. Because of this, they can also often come across as noncommittal. “Geminis don’t necessarily enjoy being locked down to one place, one person, [or] one idea, they enjoy the dualities and triplicities and then some,” Joon says. “They enjoy being constantly challenged with new stimulation, so committing to just one thing can be tricky for a Gemini.” This isn’t necessarily a bad Gemini trait in and of itself, but it can be if they leave people hanging in the process.

With Mercury as their planetary ruler, Geminis have a tendency to overthink. “Gemini’s analytical tendency may often lead to overthinking and becoming caught in analysis paralysis, in which they struggle to make decisions or take action due to excessive thinking,” says Newman, which is probably why they earned the reputation of being fickle.

While Gemini can talk about everything and anything under the sun—they tend to avoid the topic of emotions. “Geminis can be so good at small talk, they stay on the surface, resisting the deep, emotional parts of themselves,” says Lang. Newman echoes this sentiment, adding, “They may need to work harder to build emotional awareness and connect with their feelings.”

Frequently asked questions

What is the personality of a Gemini?

Geminis, aka the twin sign of the zodiac, are multifaceted. They are master communicators with an insatiable curiosity for knowledge. Their strong communication skills and quick wit allows them to talk to just about anyone. While they thrive on stimulation, they tend to get bored easily. Their intrinsic duality has earned them the reputation of being two-faced or unreliable—but it’s only because Geminis are so flexible and open-minded.

What are Gemini’s good traits?

Geminis are great communicators and quick learners with a go-with-the-flow attitude that allows them to easily adapt to change. They are also very social creatures that like meeting new people. Their open-mindedness and strong social skills allows them to get along with just about anybody—and the twin sign isn’t one to take themselves too seriously, either; along with wit, they also have a great sense of humor.

What are Gemini’s weaknesses?

One of Gemini’s biggest weaknesses is that they tend to lose interest quickly, be it in a hobby or a relationship. Because it takes a lot to keep their attention, they can come off as noncommittal. They can also be indecisive due to overthinking and hold off on making decisions of their own. Geminis also have a difficult time getting in touch with their deep, emotional side, as they prefer to keep things on the surface level.

“Projecting is when we accuse someone of doing, feeling, thinking, being something that we ourselves do, feel, think,” says Melanie Ross Mills, PhD, friendship and relationship expert. “In a way, we ‘reassign’ our feelings, struggles, emotions to someone else.”

While projecting can take so many different shapes, here’s an example of how it may look in practice: Maybe your friend asked you for advice about how to deal with their parents, but instead of tuning in to their unique relationship with their parents, you give advice based on your strained relationship with yours.

“Projecting can occur when one is not ready to accept, face, or deal with what they themselves are experiencing.” —Melanie Ross Mills, PhD, relationship expert

So, why do we project? Dr. Mills says “projecting can occur when one is not ready to accept, face, or deal with what they themselves are experiencing.” It often has to do with personal insecurity and is less related to the nature of your relationship with the person onto whom you’re projecting, says therapist Hope Kelaher, LCSW. In fact, “projection can and does occur in any type of interpersonal relationship,” says Kelaher.

To get clearer on what it means when someone is projecting, keep reading for signs you might be guilty of it, plus guardrails to help you make sure you aren’t.

5 signs you might be projecting your issues on someone

1. You notice emotions like anger or annoyance

If you feel annoyed by the other person’s problem, it might be time to take a step back rather than attempt to give advice. Big emotions, like anger, rage, annoyance or being overly sensitive in response to a conversation puts you at risk of projecting, says Kelaher.

2. The situation is a little too close to home

It is especially hard to be objective when you just experienced a similar situation. For example, maybe your friend wants advice on a difficult breakup, but you just went through one. This might lead to “making assumptions about someone else’s experience rather than listening to their experience,” according to Kelaher. And that might lead you to project your experience onto them rather than listen for the nuance.

3. You realize you give the same advice to many different people

Giving the same canned advice to multiple friends means you might be projecting, according to Irene S. Levine, PhD, psychologist and friendship expert, and co-producer of the Friendship Rules advice guide. Advice should be based on individual circumstances. If your advice isn’t based on who you are talking to, then it probably has more to do with you than them.

4. You gave advice before hearing the whole story

Dr. Levine says that jumping to conclusions without actually listening to the other person is a sign you may be projecting. Without the whole story, you could be filling in the gaps with your own experiences and feelings.

5. Your advice is judgmental

Your bestie is trusting you with their story and situation. The last thing they need is judgment or criticism. Noticing judgment in what you might say or how you might give advice is a signal that it might be time to for some self-reflection.

5 ways to ensure your advice is supportive, and doesn’t veer into projecting

1. Engage in thoughtful conversation

“Conversations, when done in love, seem to gain the most ground and offer deeper opportunities for bonding,” says Dr. Mills. According to Dr. Levine, finding the right time and place to have the conversation is essential. She also suggests giving sufficient thought to what you are going to say or advise rather than saying something impulsive.

2. Be supportive and compassionate

When your friend came to you to talk, they likely trusted that you would hold their situation with care and sensitivity. For this reason, it’s essential to avoid judgment and to tread gently rather than acting in an overbearing way, says Dr. Levine, adding that it’s best to offer support and reassurance.

3. Rely on questions

According to Dr. Levine, asking questions can help you understand your friend’s situation fully and make sure that you are an active and engaged listener, which could be what your friend needs most. Dr. Mills suggests leading with questions like, “Have you thought about…?,” “What do think about…?” or “How do you feel about…?”

Questions can also help your friend better understand how they are feeling about the situation and explore potential solutions and outcomes. “Perhaps if your friend is seeking advice on how to manage a difficult work situation, you might become curious about the variety of outcomes that may arise if they take certain courses of action,” says Kelaher.

4. Make sure they want your advice in the first place

To appropriately support your friend, first check in and see if they really want your advice. “I recommend that when a friend comes to you with a need for your help, ask: Do you want my advice or do you want me to listen? As a therapist, I notice more often we reach out to our friends for a listening and validating ear not necessarily someone to give their opinion or fix a problem or tell us what we should do,” says Kelaher.

5. Acknowledge your limitations

Sometimes we don’t have the answers or expertise to help a friend, and that’s okay. Dr. Levine says recognizing your limits in terms of expertise and experience is key to giving good advice. Your role can be in supporting your friend in seeking appropriate care and help.

Navigating any relationship can be difficult. We honestly want the best for our friends and loved ones, but sometimes we can get in our own way. Knowing what projecting looks like for you and taking steps to stop doing it can help you better show up in your relationships and support the people you care about most. Caring for others requires first knowing and taking care of yourself.

Experts refer to this relationship dynamic as enmeshment. “It’s almost as if you can’t tell where one person begins and the other ends,” says Daryl Appleton, EdD, MEd, psychotherapist, and Fortune 500 executive coach. This dynamic can occur in all kinds of close relationships such as when a parent is overly involved in their child’s life, or a partner sacrifices their career goals to keep their marriage intact.

“When you’re in an enmeshed relationship, you tend to have a difficult time expressing your wants, needs, and boundaries due to wanting to please and not upset the other person,” says Elizabeth Fedrick, PhD, LPC, owner of Evolve Counseling & Behavioral Health Services in Phoenix, Arizona. “You may describe yourself as very bonded or having a deep connection, though this often means there is a lack of individuality, independence, and self-sufficiency.”

What are some signs of an enmeshed relationship?

Imagine your partner is always running late, glued to their phone, or making jokes when you’re trying to have a serious conversation. These little quirks that seemed endearing at first can get on your nerves once you’re past the honeymoon phase. But when you don’t have clear boundaries with each other, any hint of discord can feel like a major test of your relationship.

Accordingly, enmeshed couples insist on being in perfect alignment, meaning “not wanting to rock the boat or have a difference of opinion,” Dr. Appleton says. “They have no distinguishing identity outside of being a couple.” Spending time apart makes them anxious, so it’s often just the two of them or they have the same friend group. They’ll give up hobbies or interests that don’t involve their partner.

Another way these couples avoid conflict is by “foregoing their own needs to please their partner,” Dr. Fedrick says. “Often, they have a difficult time separating their feelings from their partner’s feelings.” They not only empathize but also take on their partner’s emotions as if they were their own.

For example, if your partner comes home upset about work, their job stress becomes your problem. You’re likely to remain silent and avoid challenging your partner to adjust their attitude about work or find a new job. Your focus remains on making them happy even if it’s harming your mental health and your relationship.

Is this the same as being in a codependent relationship?

Enmeshment and codependency are related concepts that are sometimes used interchangeably. When relationship experts differentiate between them, they tend to use enmeshment to describe parent-child relationships and codependency for romantic relationships. Dr. Fedrick explains that there’s some validity to this distinction, but if a child experiences enmeshment with one or both parents, they can develop codependent behaviors and carry these into their adult relationships.

Both enmeshment and codependency describe “a relationship characterized by blurred or loose boundaries, as well as a loss of individuality and independence,” Dr. Fedrick says. When boundaries are unclear or lacking, people tend to engage in enmeshed behaviors like absorbing each other’s emotions, which can lead to a codependent relationship. How these concepts differ is that “enmeshment refers to the dynamic taking place for both individuals in a relationship, whereas codependency can be one-sided,” she adds.

Another difference is the level of dependency, which is usually more intense in a codependent relationship than in an enmeshed relationship. For example, codependent couples can’t make decisions without seeking their partner’s approval. It’s like they “need each other to function in dysfunction,” Dr. Appleton says.

How do you move away from enmeshment?

When all you see is a couple’s highlight reel on social media, it’s easy to lose sight of what the goals are for your specific relationship. Couples with healthy boundaries can withstand conflict and work through disagreements. In fact, differences are something you should celebrate, Dr. Appleton says. She encourages couples to spend time exploring areas of contention and practice communicating in a respectful manner.

Consider where you need to set boundaries such as when your partner is dumping their problems on you or making light of something that’s upsetting to you. It’s also beneficial to explore what’s motivating you to engage in enmeshed behaviors. Perhaps this is something you learned in childhood or stems from a fear of rejection or abandonment, Dr. Fedrick says.

Since your identity can get lost in your relationship, Dr. Appleton recommends carving out some alone time to reflect on your wants, needs, likes, and dislikes. “Take yourself on a date where the focus is on getting to know yourself and your identity as an individual,” she says. Plan an outing to revisit an old hobby or explore new interests on your own or with people other than your partner. Having these experiences apart allows you and your partner an opportunity to learn something new and have new experiences, she adds.

It can be scary and uncomfortable when you start working through enmeshment and codependency. Sometimes, these behaviors are “deeply rooted in our upbringings and our core beliefs,” Dr. Fedrick says. “When people are enmeshed, they become very accustomed to this dynamic and will likely push back when you start setting boundaries and trying to change your role in these relationships.” They’ll try to make you feel guilty for setting boundaries.

If you’re struggling with enmeshment, keep in mind that these behaviors are not going to change overnight. “Practice is key along with giving yourself time to adapt to new ways of being,” Dr. Fedrick says. She recommends seeking support from a mental health professional who can help you identify what’s driving enmeshed behaviors and how to connect with your partner in ways that don’t involve disappearing into the relationship.

It may surprise you then that she now describes her own first marriage, at age 25, as the “wrong match with the wrong timing.” At the time, the sought-after relationship coach (who’s appeared as an expert on Lifetime’s Married at First Sight and TLC’s Kate+Date) was a new mom eager to settle down with someone who could make her and her son feel secure.

“I look back at that version of me, and I know now that she just wanted to be loved—she just wanted to be accepted,” says DeAlto. And the first person who swooped in and made her feel both of those things was the man she got engaged to after a whirlwind six-week romance.

“I look back at that version of me, and I know now that she just wanted to be loved—she just wanted to be accepted.” —Rachel DeAlto, chief dating expert at Match

Though the marriage was over within a few years, DeAlto is quick to say she doesn’t regret it. Its most obvious gift is her daughter, who was a product of the relationship. But also, after the marriage ended, it was in moving through the divorce (while growing her career as a relationship coach) that DeAlto gained invaluable insight into the kinds of things that determine the longevity of a partnership and what is important to know about yourself and your relationship before entering a marriage.

So much so that she’s about to get married again, at age 43. This time, however, the relationship is one she describes, in a word, as “easy.” DeAlto and her fiancé have been together for six years and “treasure and take care of each other so much that nothing we do, say, or choose would ever cause intentional hurt,” she says. “It doesn’t mean that we don’t screw up and problems don’t arise, but there is an absolute feeling of treasuring and being treasured at all times.”

It’s a feeling that DeAlto would tell her younger self to search for in a relationship, if she had the chance—not necessarily so that she could bypass the emotionally fraught relationship she experienced first (“If you don’t go through stuff, how do you evolve as a human?”) but to give her the awareness that the person you should marry is the one you’re “going to want to wake up next to not just in 10 years, but in 60 years or more” if you’re so lucky, she says.

Below, DeAlto shares the other key pearls of relationship wisdom that she’s amassed in the years since getting married, getting divorced, and becoming an expert relationship coach.

What Match’s Chief Dating Expert Rachel DeAlto would tell her younger self about relationships and marriage

Your marriage timeline doesn’t matter

Part of the reason DeAlto felt so inclined to get married so quickly upon falling for her then-husband was simply her age. “At the time, I was the third out of my friends to get married by age 25, and it felt very normal and necessary to find somebody and settle down,” she says.

The pressure of a particular timeline may lead you to make decisions from a “place of insecurity with yourself and insecurity with life,” says DeAlto. While she certainly felt ready for marriage at the time when she first committed, in hindsight, she can see that her own eagerness came from a desire to find a sense of security in marriage that she was personally lacking.

You don’t always have to be right in a relationship

Despite being a full-fledged dating expert, DeAlto tells me this is a lesson she’s still learning—but choosing which battles to pick is part of what’s allowed her current relationship to blossom into marriage. “In those earlier years of dating, it’s easy to think that every single thing matters, and if you give someone a pass on one thing, they’re going to walk all over you forever,” she says, “but that’s just not the case.”

In fact, learning to let the small stuff go, recognize that everyone makes mistakes, and communicate through disagreements is what gives a relationship longevity, says DeAlto. “I would love to tell my younger self, ‘You don’t always have to be in charge, and sometimes when you do that, you make other people feel less than,’ and that’s just an unintended consequence of not being self-aware,” she says.

Your picker will change with age…but it’s okay to date whoever feels right in the present

As you get older, your picker is bound to point more toward the people with whom you connect on an emotional level, says DeAlto—those people whom you could see yourself waking up next to again and again.

Interestingly, Match surveys also show that even younger folks are beginning to embrace this kind of “conscious dating” by focusing more on emotional intelligence, communication skills, honesty, and self-awareness than on superficial traits, says DeAlto. But she hesitates to say that everyone should date in this manner at every age.

“On the one hand, I keep thinking, ‘Wow, these [young people] are really going to bypass a lot of bad relationship stuff,’ so I’m partially jealous,” she says, “but on the other hand, I don’t want young people not to experience tough relationships because I think that’s the stuff that can help you grow the most.” As for what she’d tell her own younger self? Date whomever you’d like to date, but just know that your preferences likely can and will shift with time.

People can grow on you

Having patience in dating, as in all things, can pay off in spades. And this is a lesson that DeAlto especially wishes she could impart on her younger self. “You have to take the time to really allow people to get to a point where they’re vulnerable and all-in on a relationship to assess if they’re right for you,” she says. “Sometimes, a relationship might not unfold in exactly the way you want it to, but you might just need to give someone a chance and be a little patient.”

You can (and should) prioritize yourself

In her current relationship, DeAlto feels more treasured than ever—but that isn’t just the result of her soon-to-be husband’s loving care; in the years since her first marriage, she’s learned to treasure herself, too.

“When you protect yourself and when you protect your heart, you show up differently and you feel differently,” she says. “I wish I had that at 25, and if I did, I probably would’ve ended [my marriage] sooner.” Whether that would’ve been for the best is difficult to say, given that, again, DeAlto’s daughter came from her marriage. But in any case, she says, “I do wish I would’ve taken care of myself more and understood that you don’t have to be beholden to other people in spite of yourself.”

Released by The Gottman Institute and available for download to subscribers of its Love Notes newsletter, the Spring Relationship Bingo card featured below lends couples a guide to build and strengthen their relationships in a fun way that doesn’t feel like work.

How tools like a relationship bingo card help you bond with your partner

“Over time couples tend to lose some of the fun and playfulness in a their relationship because they may feel stuck in a rut of their daily ritual of work, and kids, and schedules, so this is really a way to bring some of that back,” says certified Gottman Institute couples therapist Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT. The key to really build intimacy and strong bonds, she says, is to keep that playfulness and fun alive alongside the more serious aspects of partnership that deal with conflict and areas of concern or disagreement.

“Over time couples tend to lose some of the fun and playfulness in a their relationship because they may feel stuck in a rut of their daily ritual of work, and kids, and schedules, so this is really a way to bring some of that back.”—couples therapist Kimberly Panganabian, LMFT

The Gottman Method recommends couples strengthen their bond by addressing three key components that comprise a healthy partnership: friendship, creation of shared meaning, and conflict management. Maybe it sounds intimidating to try to hit each of these regularly, but they’re not all discrete boxes, according to Panganabian. “Anytime you’re working on one [area], you’re really working on all of them because they all sort of impact the others,” she says. “So the more you’re making time for fun and playfulness and that connection and building that friendship, then the easier it’s going be to navigate conflict when that hits, which improves the sense of shared meaning.”

To reach BINGO on the card, which is embedded below, couples have to try a sampling of activities that address all three of these components. It features a variety of activities designed to increase connection such as: date ideas, conversation starters, and suggestions for physical intimacy. The seasonal activities, like having a picnic together, provide ideas to keep date night fresh.

Increasing the positivity in your relationship is key for strong, lasting bonds, according to Gottman couples therapist Laura Silverstein, LCSW, owner and clinical director of Main Line Counseling Partners and author of Love Is an Action Verb: Stop Wasting Time and Delight in Your Relationship. She says that incorporating these kind of games helps make sure both partners associate the relationship with positivity and happiness. “We’re not in a relationship to solve problems and do homework,” says Silverstein, “we’re in one to be with a person we love to be with.”

So what’s the best way to use relationship building tools, like this bingo card?

Take cues from the mixed assortment of activities present on the card: Think of your relationship like a balanced meal, which requires both pleasure and nutrients. You don’t want to just go on dates or trips without having any moments for deeper conversation or connection, and you wouldn’t want to only focus on conflict management without ever doing anything fun and pleasurable. According to Panganabian and Silverstein, it’s key to make time for a bunch of different bonding opportunities.

Follow the card for ideas, but Panganabian and Silverstein say you should feel free to use it as inspiration and a jumping off point to create your own ways to bond. For example, Silverstein likes having her couples play a game called “appreciation ping pong,” which requires couples to go back and forth (like you’re hitting a ping pong ball) by exchanging what she calls “compliments without caveats.”

For example, one partner could start by saying something like, “I appreciate that you make me laugh,” while the other could respond with: “You’re a great cook.” The goal? “You want to work as a team to see how long you can keep going, or how long you can keep the ping pong ball in the air,” says Silverstein.

While many of the actions on the card would feel great at any time of year, incorporate seasonal activities to avoid repeating the same things and to take advantage of the calendar, says Panganabian; for example, she recommends planning a way to get near the water, whether a pool or beach, with your partner to take advantage of the warm weather and onset of summer.

Another activity you could try to take advantage of seasonality? Turn this into your own ritual, and sit down with your partner each season to outline what you’re most looking forward to—and solidify plans to do those activities—to give both of you something to be excited about and a chance to work together, says Silverstein.

According to data from dating app Plenty of Fish, nearly one in five singles knows someone who has dumped a partner due to misaligned views on climate change and the environment—a trend its coined as “eco-dumping.” Nearly half of those surveyed chose to date someone specifically because they expressed care and concern for the environment.

At first glance, this phenomenon might seem similar to choosing a partner based on their political party affiliation, as both can be a shorthand for certain core values and beliefs a person holds. A person saying that they care about climate change, for example, might immediately hint that they’re interested in eco-friendly practices like composting, or that they read (and believe) similar sources of news as you. There is also a wide variety of perspectives among people who are concerned about the climate crisis, impacting how they approach it—like whether they are vegan or stick with sustainably-sourced meat—mirroring how members of a political party may not see eye-to-eye on every issue.

But aligning values around climate change can be a bit more complicated to navigate, since this existential crisis directly impacts every aspect of our life. After all, your political party doesn’t typically dictate what car you’ll drive, what food you put on your plate, or what kind of laundry detergent to use. You likely won’t find yourself trying to convince someone else that a political party even exists, either.

So how do you successfully incorporate your beliefs about climate change into your romantic life, without eco-dumping and kicking every single prospective date to the curb? Relationship experts have tips to help you make your love life a little more green.

Bring up your values early and often

According to Eva Gallagher, Plenty of Fish’s resident dating expert, you should feel empowered to discuss your passions openly—including how you feel about the planet—even before you’ve met up in person.

“When chatting on a dating app, feel free to take the initiative to bring up issues that are important to you,” says Gallagher. “Give the other person an opportunity to share their thoughts on sustainability or climate change, and then take the time to share yours. Being confident in your convictions is important and will also highlight your strong sense of self, which is always sexy!”

Gallagher also recommends putting your views on climate change right in your dating profile, which can help you find potential suitors who share your values, increasing the chance of developing a compatible relationship rather than one that might end with eco-dumping.

Know what your priorities are (and communicate them)

Relationship therapist Karyn Spetz, LCSW, says it’s important to get clear on your true north when it comes to climate change, including how high of a priority it is to you and why, before centering it in a relationship.

“For me, the environment and sustainability is very important, like a seven or eight out of 10 in terms of priority,” says Spetz. “So if I were to ignore that part of me and push it aside because my partner isn’t in agreement or had a lower value of it, that would likely lead to arguments or resentment.” (This tendency is especially important to watch if you have a history of people-pleasing.)

Knowing these priorities makes it easier to choose your battles when tensions about your values versus your partner’s inevitably arise. “If you are going to draw a hard line and say that something is so important it isn’t optional or up for discussion, that is okay, and hopefully your partner will see how important it is and be amenable to that, but it shouldn’t be all or even most of the time,” says Spetz. “These should be things that are so important to you, you are willing to really fight for them—come what may. There aren’t many things I’m willing to bring fighting into my home for, so it better be good.”

“We need to remind ourselves to slow down a bit sometimes…we need to have patience and not try and rush people along to a similar point of understanding.” —Ness Cooper, clinical sexologist

For example, you might feel really strongly that you don’t want meat products in your home because of their impacts on the environment, and draw a hard line there. That’s fair—but in return, you might consider being more flexible about using plastic food containers or choosing to use a car, rather than blowing up about all of those potential issues, too.

“Compromise is not giving in or giving up your values,” says Spetz. She recalls a time when her husband, after giving it a chance, eventually vetoed a more eco brand of laundry detergent Spetz had purchased. She found an alternative they could both be happy with. “Compromise is saying ‘Yes, this is important to me, but sweetie, so are you. Even more important than our laundry detergent.’ When you think about it like that, I think it’s not so difficult,” she says.

Clinical sexologist Ness Cooper agrees that it’s not helpful to be too prescriptive and rigid in how you expect your partner to practice your shared values. She says she’s had a few clients whose strong stances on ethical and sustainable food, shopping, and lifestyle have ended up either pushing their partners away or into unhealthy, codependent relationships.

“We need to remind ourselves to slow down a bit sometimes,” says Cooper. “If you’re someone who’s into sustainability, you’ve likely been researching and practicing it for a while and it comes more naturally to you. But for your partner, it can be daunting to try and catch up, so we need to have patience and not try and rush people along to a similar point of understanding.”

Focus on feelings and emotions over reasons and actions

Our values are deeply personal and are informed often by our lived experiences and upbringings, along with culture, religion, and social connections. So expecting your partner to immediately be on the same page as you about environmentalism or climate justice, without taking the time to understand their perspective, doesn’t work.

“People focus on the now, and tend to forget all the milestones and moments of self discovery that brought them to the point they are today with the things they value,” explains Cooper. She counsels couples to have a broader view, and take time to explore and communicate how you came to value what you do as well as your emotions and needs related to living sustainably.

“When we can put our own judgments and expectations aside and help our partners to experience living these values in a way that they can connect to, there’s great potential in that for creating an emotional association which can lead them to shift their behavior on their own.” —Katie Bingner, LCPC

It’s a lesson therapist Katie Bingner, LCPC, learned in her own relationship. “For me, there’s a background of growing up financially insecure, which ingrained in me the necessity of sustainability in terms of minimizing waste and taking advantage of the resources we had,” says Bingner. But her wife had a very different upbringing—and thus a different worldview—which at first caused confusion and frustration in their relationship. “I didn’t understand how we could watch the same documentary and I would be so moved to take action, and she would just be ready to go to bed!”

To address this, Bingner got curious. She took time to understand where her partner stood on topics like climate change and the environment, without any judgment or expectation of change. In doing so, they were able to identify a connection point in a shared love of being outdoors. From this, Bingner and her wife found a tree-planting project in their community, which they both enjoyed participating in together.

“Your partner may be lacking the same emotional connection that you have to a cause [i.e. climate change], and thus to the behaviors that support that cause,” says Bingner. “Humans are experiential learners, so when we can put our own judgments and expectations aside and help our partners to experience living these values in a way that they can connect to, there’s great potential in that for creating an emotional association which can lead them to shift their behavior on their own.”

Make your partner feel cared for, not judged

Every expert emphasized the importance of demonstrating care, openness, and non-judgment when communicating any of your values—including those about addressing climate change. So if your partner’s nonchalance about the climate crisis or their refusal to compost is bugging you, don’t ambush them out of nowhere with a lecture or jump to conclusions about eco-dumping.

Bingner instead suggests finding a time that works for both of you to talk. “You say ‘Hey I’d love to find a time to talk with you about this, when is good for you?’ You’re allowing your partner the choice to engage in the moment or take the time they need before having that conversation.”

It’s a simple way to create a feeling of care and safety around the conversation because when people feel cared for, they’re more likely to care, says Bingner. Conversely, when people feel attacked or judged, she says they will likely be more focused on self-preservation than taking feedback.

Another way to foster that sense of care could be by supporting your partner to make lifestyle changes easier to navigate. “Giving our partner tools and resources to help them identify food or products that are sustainable takes away the guesswork and can help your partner feel more relaxed about agreeing to change,” suggests Cooper. Examples might include Too Good To Go, which allows you to buy soon-to-be-wasted food from nearby eateries at a fraction of the price, Good On You, where you can find more ethical clothing alternatives, or Yuka, which lets you scan food and beauty products for harmful ingredients.

Therapist and author Lauren Korshak, MFT, encourages patience above all. “When making this transition with a partner who is less invested [in the climate crisis] than you, set your expectations low, do some research together, and give them the time they need to adjust and take the information in at their own pace,” she says. “Research has shown that people are more likely to change their mind if they are presented with small bits of information over time. This may have to do with the fact that it is less confronting to one’s sense of identity and also less overwhelming to make a change when it’s broken down into smaller steps.”

Korshak suggests reading a book together, which can also be made into quality time that can be motivating for your partner. Some great options to add to your list are The Intersectional Environmentalist by Leah Thomas or the essays compiled in All We Can Save by Ayana Elizabeth Johnson and Katharine K. Wilkinson.

While this new wrinkle in relationship dynamics may complicate things, it’s also a powerful way for us to practice having caring and constructive conversations about an often polarizing issue. Once we’ve mastered it with those closest to us, it’ll be that much easier to talk about climate change and how best to care for our environment with other people in our lives, which aids the spread of awareness and engagement around this important issue.

What is an opposite zodiac sign pair and how are they connected?

First, a bit of background on what defines an opposite zodiac pair: because there are 12 signs of the zodiac, there are six pairs of opposite zodiac signs. If you think about the zodiac as a wheel, “each sign is opposite, or 180 degrees from another sign,” explains Stephanie Gailing, astrologer and author of Astrology: An In Focus Workbook: A Guide to Understanding Yourself Through the Sun, Moon, and Stars. Because these signs sit opposite from each other on the astrological axis, they share certain commonalities and traits that mean they align well, even if they are different in other ways. “On some level these opposite signs experience the same things differently,” she explains. Think about Taurus and Scorpio, one pair of astrological opposites: both signs place a high value on security in general, but Taurus sees this more as amassing material security while Scorpio views it more through the lens of emotional safety. It’s these similarities that spark that attraction between opposite sign pairings and lend themselves to tight bonds, but the differences in approach and temperament can cause friction.

Key factors that explain why opposite zodiac sign pairs attract

Quadruplicity and elements

One reason these zodiac sign opposites share a connection, says Gailing, is because each of these pairs share a quadruplicity (one of the key zodiac terms to learn), which describes generally how each sign moves through the world and expresses itself; for example, cardinal signs are self-starters who initiate actions, while mutable signs are flexible. It makes sense then that Capricorn and Cancer, which are six signs away from each other and are therefore astrological opposites, are both cardinal signs, as are Libra and Aries. Additionally, opposite zodiac signs have elements that “are simpatico with each other,” explains Gailing; earth and water signs are known to mesh well, while air and fire are seen as good pairings—this is why Virgo (earth) and Pisces (water), plus Leo (fire) and Aquarius (air) all share a kinship.

Ascendant and descendant sign pairs

One key metric to look for that explains why astrological opposites attract is the relationship between the ascendant and descendant signs. The ascendant sign, or rising sign, is a key part of your birth chart that represents your self-identity and how others see you, says Gailing; it’s opposite a point called the descendant, which is the relationship point. These two are always opposite zodiac signs—for example, someone who is a Sagittarius rising always has a Gemini descendant, while a Libra ascendant will always have an Aries descendant. In terms of the houses in astrology, the descendant is associated with the 7th astrological house, which represents attraction and alliances. We’re naturally drawn to whatever sign is opposite ours for this reason. “It’s thought that we are pulled to the qualities of others who represent the descendant sign because those qualities are parts of ourselves that we need to integrate, or that we may have covered up, or those parts often described as our shadow,” explains Gailing. “They show up in other people as they are just a mirror of qualities that are within us, but which we need a reflection of to see.”

Can opposites be compatible?

Yes, at least astrologically, opposites do in fact attract both platonically and romantically, according to the astrologers. “How I look at it is almost like two sides of the same coin,” says Gailing. Because they share the same astrological axis, these opposite sign pairs “understand more where the other person is coming from,” says Gailing, but their distance from each other on that same plane highlights their differences, too. In romantic partnerships, this can translate to one sign possessing a quality their partner lacks, while in friendships “the opposite sign can teach you about something that is inherent to you, but that you may not necessarily understand or appreciate on the surface,” says Gailing.

With all that said, it’s tough to say exactly which signs will be compatible because many factors affect it—zodiac sign compatibility isn’t just a matter of matching sun signs. “Astrologers often say that the remedy for any sign’s neurosis is the enlightened qualities of the opposite sign,” astrologer Juliana McCarthy previously told Well+Good, caveating that opposite sun signs only work well together if other parts of your zodiac chart flow. This is exactly why it’s impossible to use just this metric alone to consider whether opposite zodiac signs are soulmates—there are just too many other factors to consider to answer that question. However, opposite sign pairings do have some traits in common and motivations, so that’s why these opposites make more sense together than signs that are much more different and therefore less compatible. For example, even though Cancer and Capricorn are opposites they do in fact have a lot in common, while Gemini and Capricorn have very little in common and not many overlapping and harmonious traits that would make them a congruous pair.

Astrologically speaking, there are so many personalized nuances of a natal chart factor into whether you’re a good romantic match for someone, let alone their astrological soulmate, so there’s value in running both of your charts (using an online generator or app, or via a reading from an astrologer) to check out all the components for a clearer idea of who is most compatible with you specifically.

That said, knowing your opposite zodiac sign may explain certain surface-level dynamics that are worth exploring and probing further. Below, Gailing and astrologer Rachel Lang break down the dynamics between opposite zodiac signs, what they can learn from each other, and suggest how each pairing can get along harmoniously.

6 opposite zodiac sign pairings, and how they are similar and different

1. Aries (March 21 to April 19) and Libra (September 23 to October 22)

As the most incendiary of the fire signs (and one of the luckiest zodiac signs this year), Aries acts on impulse, is headstrong, and is known to jump into action with intensity. Meanwhile, Libra benefits from taking time to ponder, considering both sides of the story, and seeking balance. When these opposite zodiac signs meet, the spark is instantaneous in both love and friendship.

“Aries presents as being very confident, and Libra finds that attractive,” says Lang. “This is the axis line of independence versus interdependence—the line between the self and other. While Libra is the sign of relationships, they lean toward being a little codependent. But their sign is all about balance, so they often do their own thing, as well.”

In terms of friendship between Aries and Libra, they make a well-balanced pair. According to Gailing, Aries can teach the more airy and passive Libra to put their desire for balance aside when it’s necessary by being more assertive and putting themselves first more often. In turn, Libra can teach Aries how to not be so one-track minded, and to take more time to consider all sides before acting rather than jumping right in. “There’s a really beautiful synthesis that can come out of [this pair] where both of them can learn to have relationships that are of great value, but where they don’t get lost in those relationships,” says Gailing.

For Aries and Libra to be a successful match: They need to figure out how to love each other and give space, respect, and affection. “With an Aries, Libra needs to assert themselves and learn from their partner how to prioritize their needs and desires,” says Lang. “With a Libra, Aries needs to show adoration.”

2. Taurus (April 20 to May 20) and Scorpio (October 23 to November 21)

Passion underscores the Taurus and Scorpio dynamic. Since sensuality is paramount to both, they can’t keep their hands off each other, and their fixed-sign energy forms an almost mystical (and often sexual) bond. “For Taurus, it’s in pure physical pleasure: good food, soft linens, and sex,” says Lang. “For Scorpio, physical pleasure is a transcendent experience, especially sex. They feel intensely, even if they don’t always show their partner what they’re feeling.”

In terms of friendship, because these strong-willed and tenacious signs both share a desire for success and achievement, says Gailing, which can cement their bond. Their shared sensuality means they like the finer things in life, and can translate to these two getting up to all sorts of fun and deep experiences together even if they’re just friends and not lovers. “I can imagine them going on a weekend trip together out to some sort of incredibly transformative retreat, or some event where there’s delicious food for the Taurus but also some really deep experience for the Scorpio,” she adds.

For Taurus and Scorpio to be a successful match: The potential problem at play is that Scorpio refuses to reveal what’s happening behind the curtain, and neither brutally stubborn sign is keen to compromise. To make the dynamic work, though, Taurus needs to learn how to read between the lines, and Scorpio can appeal to the Taurus appreciation for beautiful things and emotional security. “This can be a true power couple, too, as Taurus and Scorpio both need to have a sense of material success,” says Lang.

3. Gemini (May 21 to June 20) and Sagittarius (November 22 to December 21)

These opposite zodiac signs share a love of exploration: Curious Gemini explores intellectually, socially, and sexually, while Sagittarius energy is a more relaxed and agreeable type of adventurousness that runs on wanderlust. As such, this pair’s biggest challenge is often commitment issues. “Even happily married Gemini-Sagittarius couples need individual space,” says Lang. “Both signs crave freedom and can become bored if they feel stagnant. It’s important for them to find ways to maintain mutual interests.” While conversation between these opposite zodiac signs is sharp and free-flowing, Sagittarius tends to think bigger-picture, while Gemini is much more meticulous and concerned about details.

These signs are tied together by their desire for freedom and discovery. “They both love learning and having the freedom to move about in the world collecting insights, information and experience,” says Gailing. “It’s fun, it’s active, and it’s exploratory—they’ll broaden each others’ worlds, and they both want to have different experiences so they enrich their lives so they have a greater capacity for understanding the meaning of life.”

In terms of what they can learn from each other? Gemini can be hyper-focused on details, says Gailing, so Sagittarius can help them see beyond what’s directly in front of them and consider the broader picture. Deep thinkers, Sagittarius approaches knowledge acquisition by wanting to go deep—another trait they can impart to Gemini, which is more about learning a surface level amount about lots of different things.

In turn, Gemini can teach Sagittarius not to get lost in the big picture and to pause and consider the small details before going for it. “For Sagittarius’ who are quick to develop and stand firmly in what they believe and what they think is true based upon their inspiration, Geminis can help point them towards accessing the information from others that helps them fortify their vision and construct meanings in a more objective way,” says Gailing.

For Gemini and Sagittarius to be a successful match: This dynamic can be both a blessing and a curse, depending on other variables at play. “Sagittarius may feel bogged down by the details, and Gemini may feel like the administrative assistant in the relationship if Sagittarius doesn’t care about those details—such as schedules, social calendars, and who’s cleaning the bathrooms this week,” says Lang. So, as long as Gemini and Sagittarius can recognize how important to them freedom is, they may be able to make it work well.

4. Cancer (June 21 to July 22) and Capricorn (December 22 to January 19)

Two initiating cardinal signs, Cancer and Capricorn matchup screams “power couple,” because they’re seemingly two halves of having it all—blending needs for domesticity and professional accomplishment. “Cancer wants to build a nest for their family and wants security—financially and emotionally,” says Lang. “Capricorn needs to feel as if they’re reaching a goal. They have ambition, and they also appreciate providing a secure environment for themselves and their family. They are upwardly mobile, and they tend to reach their goals through diligent work.” Both signs have a deep sense of duty and responsibility to provide for those they love and care about.

Both Capricorn and Cancer have a deep sense of duty and responsibility and are intensely loyal to those they love, although they go about doing this in different ways. “There’s that responsibility and duty to home and to family, like protecting and feeding the family, whether the family is your biological family or your best friends,” says Gailing. In terms of what these two signs can learn from each other, Gailing says Cancer can encourage Capricorn not to focus so much on external validation for their achievements and to turn inward and focus on how they’re feeling and taking care of themselves, while Capricorn can bring Cancer out of their shell a bit more and help them go after what they want. “I think that’s a really nice pairing,” she adds.

For Cancer and Capricorn to be a successful match: The dilemma with a Capricorn and Cancer union is when the division of labor doesn’t feel equitable. Cancer might feel as if they’re doing all the work at home, for example, and that can breed resentment. “Capricorn in this relationship needs to watch that they don’t put all their focus on work and their own independent activities and take Cancer for granted,” says Lang. “Cancer will need to assert themselves in this duo because Capricorn may not notice if Cancer’s in a bad mood or upset.”  For this dynamic to thrive for the long-term, Capricorns would be wise to be mindful of Cancer’s sensitivities and to reassure that they are emotionally available to them.

5. Leo (July 23 to August 22) and Aquarius (January 20 to February 18)

Leo and Aquarius are fixed signs, which means they have plenty of staying power—a bond that, for better or for worse, is hard to break. “For Leo, passion is extremely important. For Aquarius, intellectual stimulation is important,” says Lang. “Both signs tend to value their friendships and community, which is certainly where they can shine as a couple.” One notable difference, though, is that Leo needs to be worshipped and adored, whereas Aquarius just needs to be accepted for their creative genius; Leo is more focused on themselves, whereas Aquarius is more concerned with the collective.

According to Gailing, despite their differences, “Aquarius and Leo make a really beautiful pairing” whether in love or friendship. Both signs can lend the other their strengths: Leo can teach Aquarius to generate creativity from themselves instead of always turning outward and to “not always be so in their head and to sort of warm up the buoyancy of their heart,” while Aquarius can help Leo be more open to lending their own talents and skills to the world at large without isolating, while still respecting its need for independence (both signs greatly value their independence).

For Leo and Aquarius to be a successful match: Since both have a strong, independent sense of self and want the freedom to do their own thing, they need to set aside their ego and focus on keeping things fresh, fun, and light. “For Leo, remember that Aquarius needs to feel as if you have a strong basis of friendship,” says Lang. “For Aquarius, remember that Leo needs to feel really seen. The pair works well when they play together.”

6. Virgo (August 23 to September 22) and Pisces (February 19 to March 20)

Virgo and Pisces, both mutable zodiac signs, have wildly different worldviews, but the all-knowingness of Pisces is an asset to Virgos, who don’t simply want to learn, but want to learn well. Their minds meld with a spark of passion, and they level each other off. “I’ve seen a number of happy Virgo-Pisces couples, because Virgo can be a real grounding presence for Pisces, and Pisces can help Virgo break the habit of overanalyzing,” says Lang. “Pisces inspires Virgo’s creativity, and vice versa. One of Pisces’ challenges is materializing dreams and goals. Virgo has the solution for this because they can offer practical suggestions and outline a detailed plan.”

While on paper Virgo and Pisces may seem like true opposites, Gailing says both signs care deeply about “helping and healing, but from two different perspectives because Pisces is more idealistic and Virgo is more perfectionistic.” This comes out in their actions: Virgo is great at assessing a grander scheme and has an excellent “ability to see pieces of the whole and how the pieces work together, and wants things to refine things to be better,” while Pisces helps by lending its deep empathy and compassion to an issue. They can play off each others’ strengths, and each have something to learn from the other: Virgo can teach Pisces to separate the larger picture into smaller pieces to avoid overwhelm and confusion, says Gailing, while Pisces can help Virgo be a little bit less perfectionist and more forgiving of flaws—both theirs and those of others.

For Virgo and Pisces to be a successful match: Of course, the rigidness of Virgo can leave them hung up on all the details and frustrated when Pisces changes their mind about plans. Virgos will go out of their way to meticulously plan an elaborate event, for example, while Pisces may be more apt to send a text an hour before this slate of events commences, saying, “I can’t!!! It’s a lunar eclipse!” In sum, Virgo, be patient with your Pisces partner or friend. And Pisces, be respectful of your Virgo partner’s Google Calendar. If you can crack that dynamic, you’re set for success.

“I wish people would push themselves to always go out,” she says.

Through her work in longevity research on Okinawa, a Japanese island home to some of the longest-living people in the world (aka one of the “Blue Zones”), Burnette has learned just how big of a role social connection plays in our health. “I always try to tell people that the secret to longevity is not food and exercise,” she says. “It’s social connection.” (And this is coming from someone who literally founded an Okinawan health food company.)

When people hear that Burnette works in longevity, she says they typically have questions for her about what to eat. And she’ll tell them about the Okinawan diet filled with what might be the healthiest carb (purple sweet potato), plenty of green vegetables, tofu made with mineral-rich ocean water, and only unrefined brown sugar in desserts.

But Burnette points out that throughout all the Blue Zones, the food is healthy, yes, but a more important factor is that people eat that food together. “They’re eating in a group, or with their families,” she says. “They always have someone with them, eating with them, joking with them, laughing with them, taking care of them.”

Research has shown that having strong community ties can directly improve our physical health. “Many studies have shown lower rates of hypertension, obesity, diabetes, and possibly even cancer for people with lots of friends and loving relationships in their lives,” Richard Honaker, MD, a family medicine physician and chief medical advisor for Your Doctors Online, previously told Well+Good.

Okinawan practices that support social connection and longevity

An active social life can also lead to what’s known in Okinawa as “ikigai,” or the will to live. Burnette believes this mentality is an absolutely essential ingredient to longevity. Yet, it’s woefully overlooked because it’s so subjective, which makes it difficult for researchers to definitively study and put hard numbers behind.

But Burnette explains the link this way: In most cultures, as someone gets older, “they lose their standing in society, or they feel like they don’t have a purpose. Their family doesn’t come around to visit them anymore…people start dying around them, so they lose those social connections and then in turn lose the will to live.”

One way that Okinawans have traditionally protected against this dangerous spiral is through the moai, a custom where close groups of friends get together monthly to eat, drink (yes, including alcohol), connect, and exchange money—they regularly pool their funds when someone in their moai needs the help. “It’s a support system,” explains Burnette. “Because they do this, they’re always socializing, they’re always helping.”

The case for prioritizing your social life

Meanwhile in the United States, the Surgeon General recently released a report that loneliness has reached epidemic levels—with one stat pointing out that a lack of social connection can increase the risk of premature death by about as much as smoking 15 cigarettes a day (!). “Loneliness kills people far faster than they think,” says Burnette.

Her advice if you’re feeling isolated? Build some social momentum.

Burnette herself is guilty of one of the biggest things you’re not supposed to do: live alone. (Traditional older Okinawans either live with their families, or at least close by, or near lots of friends: “All the old ladies live in the same neighborhood,” she says.) Burnette knows firsthand how spending a day by yourself can easily lead to two days by yourself, and build into a temptation to cancel all your plans. “Push yourself to get out of the house,” she says. “Talk to people, and feel the friendliness.”

That advice remains true even if you’re meeting up with someone who’s not necessarily your favorite person, Burnette adds. “People need to realize that, as annoying as your father, mother, partner, children may be, you know, you get frustrated sometimes, you’re angry or fight, but you gotta realize, we really need each other,” she says. “I’m not trying to be cheesy, but love is important.”

What is an emotional bank account in a relationship?

This analogy, which was first introduced by Stephen R. Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change, refers to the amount of trust and goodwill you share with another person. It works on the assumption that building your relationship is like building wealth—more positive interactions help the relationship grow and prosper, while negative ones hinder it.

Famed relationship researcher John Gottman, PhD, found what he calls the “magic ratio”—it takes five positive interactions to counteract a negative one. This ratio supports the idea of emotional bank accounts: When you have more funds to tap, you’re better able to weather storms and deal with surprises and tough times, just like with a monetary bank account. “You want a couple to have a flourishing emotional bank account, meaning a lot of positive interactions, so that when there is a negative interaction, they’re not pulling in the red or in the negative,” explains certified Gottman Institute couples therapist Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT.

This isn’t to say that successful couples will never have conflicts that cause their emotional bank account balances to be lower—all couples argue and have obstacles they must work through. The key to successful lasting relationships is to make sure you deposit more than you withdrawal, so when you do have disagreements and arguments, there is a foundation of support and trust to help you deal with conflicts.

So how do you keep your emotional bank account in the green?

Both Panganiban and clinical psychologist Satira Streeter Corbitt, PsyD, who is also a certified Gottman Institute therapist, say doing kind, loving, considerate things for your partner consistently builds the relationship and strengthens it over time. Incorporating deposits into your day, just like making regular monetary deposits into your bank account, turn these efforts into habits so they stick even when life gets in the way.

“[Rituals of connection] are ways to to connect, pay attention to your partner, and to be there for them on a daily basis.”—Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT, certified Gottman Institute couples therapist

Deposits are any gesture that make your partner feel safe, loved, and respected. According to Panganiban and Dr. Corbitt, the specifics of this will vary based on your partner’s likes, preferences, and desires—the options for positive interactions that deposit into your emotional bank account in your relationship are endless and don’t have to be time consuming at all. They can include any act of intimacy, or what Panganiban calls “rituals of connection,” which “are ways to to connect, pay attention to your partner, and to be there for them on a daily basis,” she says.

For example, this can look like kissing your partner on their way out the door or helping them unload groceries from their car, or preparing your partner’s coffee or tea so it’s ready for them when they wake up, or making their favorite meal. Maybe your partner loves watching TV in the evening, so a deposit could be queuing up their favorite program and watching it with them before bed—the specific actions depend on the person. It also looks like giving compliments, spending quality time together, giving gifts, communicating respectfully—anything that builds the relationship in a positive way.

While this specifically is about incorporating small gestures into your day, it also includes things like date nights—but the key here is that those aren’t the only times you’re connecting with your partner. “It’s about spending time together and making sure we give compliments and appreciations, and that we show some type of affection so those small things can add up so we’re functioning off of a relationship that we’ve been intentional about devoting time and more energy to,” says Dr. Corbitt.

Do some deposits have higher value than others?

Not really, say Dr. Corbitt and Panganiban—the key is consistency here, rather than splashing out on sparing, but grand, gestures. “Knowing your partner and what feels meaningful and important to them helps you do the things that get more bang for your buck, so to speak,” says Panganiban. She adds that the one action that consistently lands well across the board though, is listening to and being emotionally available for your partner when they’re stressed or overwhelmed.

Withdrawals, on the other hand, are the gestures that aggravate your partner and make their day tougher. For example, maybe you’re grumpy in the morning and snap at your partner, or you forget to run an important errand that they now have to go do themselves. These are all the little annoyances and grievances that chip away at a relationship and build resentments. Keep in mind though that major instances of hurt, like abuse or infidelity, don’t count as withdrawals, says Dr. Corbitt, because “those are in a whole other realm—here we’re talking about the stuff we all do sometimes because we’re human, like those grouchy days or accidentally forgetting an anniversary,” she says.

So how does one build more positive interactions into their routine?

Through making consistent efforts. In fact, Dr. Corbitt advises the couples she treats in her therapy practice to hold a “state of the union” each week to reflect on what their week has been like, and “how their partner has poured into them and how their partner is seeing them.” Using Dr. Gottman’s 5:1 ratio, Dr. Corbitt says she encourages couples to share five positive and appreciated actions that happened over the course of the week, and one that wasn’t as welcome and can be an opportunity for growth.

“You give these five positives so your partner is clear that you are still looking for and focused on the good, but you’re also saying here’s one thing we can continue to work on,” says Dr. Corbitt. For example, a positive could be your partner made your favorite meal one night, while a negative could be that they left a mess for you to clean up. Communicating these needs consistently keeps everyone on the same page and helps build the positives into habits so they don’t stop happening, even when you’re busy.

So if you want to build a strong relationship with your partner, start thinking about this other bank account you have—and make sure it’s flourishing by planning nice gestures that show you care, even if they’re little things.

But in recent years, research has proven the very real efficacy of gut instincts. Studies show that pairing gut feelings with analytical thinking leads to faster, more accurate decisions. And, the stomach isn’t just called the “second brain” by scientists because of anecdotal evidence. Roughly 100 million neurons line the digestive tract, which is more than the neural network surrounding even the spinal cord.

Although this is certainly good news for those who believe in the power of intuition—successful CEOs and other top execs claim to leverage it when handling crises, and major organizations invest millions in helping professionals refine intuitive skills—growing acceptance of using your intuition as a guide (and subsequent real-world applications) have perhaps had an unwanted side effect: The more we feel capable of listening to—and trusting—our gut, the more we’re poised to become, well, judgmental assholes. But where does a gut instinct end and a snap judgment begin?

Understanding the difference between intuition vs. being judgemental

“Trusting your gut is often more of a feeling than a thought process,” says licensed psychologist Jessica Rabon, PhD. “We may feel uncomfortable on edge, or that something is off. In contrast, being judgmental is about forming an opinion or drawing a conclusion about the other person or situation, rather than how they are making you feel.”

So, whereas intuition may lead someone to say, “I have a bad feeling about this person,” judgment may lead them to verbalize, “This person is rude.”

Adia Gooden, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist, adds that judgment is often an additional layer people, particularly women, tack onto their intuition. “Tuning into your internal wisdom and intuition is often thought of as more feminine, and seen as emotional and irrational,” says Dr. Gooden. “We often denigrate people for going off of their intuition alone, so I think these people have learned to justify it. So, if we went on a bad date, our gut was that it didn’t feel right, but then we lay judgments on top of it. ‘They showed up five minutes late, and the restaurant they chose was so basic, and the way they were dressed….’”

This often happens naturally, and subconsciously. You’re likely doing it with your best friend, when they continue to date someone you see as a bad match. You’re doing it with your coworker, when they force a meeting that could have been an email. You’re doing it with the person in front of you in line at the coffee shop, as they give an overly complicated latte order to the barista, and to the stranger on the train, who is wearing something you find wholly inappropriate for the weather.

But just as its more emotional cousin, intuition, has gotten a generally—and unfairly—bad rap, so has judgmental behavior. “Judgments give us really rich information about our value system and what matters to us,” says Mary Beth Somich, licensed therapist. “We live in a complex world where we have to make hundreds of judgment calls per day. They are necessary, and not inherently a bad thing.” Dr. Rabon agrees: “Judgment can help us navigate life, determine the friends we have, the relationships we get into, or the jobs we want to apply for.”

It’s what we do with that judgment—and how, according to Somich, “it’s presented, delivered, or enforced”—that can become problematic. “Being overly judgmental can hold us back from experiencing things that could bring richness to our lives,” she says. “It can contribute to discrimination or hate, and it can exacerbate or fuel anxiety and fear that negatively impacts the mental health and happiness of others and ourselves.”

That latter point is a big one, Dr. Rabon says. “When we overly judge others, when we’re overly critical, we actually harm ourselves,” she says. “Our brain becomes more attuned to finding the negative in others, thus leading us to find more negatives in ourselves.” She has seen this lead to increased stress, anxiety, and depression.

What to do when your judgments hurt more than help

1. Pay attention to what triggers your judgmental behavior.

“The first step to being less judgmental is to increase your self-awareness about your judgments,” says Dr. Rabon. She recommends actively identifying when you are having a judgmental thought and then taking an inventory of what was happening at that moment. “What was the actual stimulus that elicited the judgmental thought; what emotions were you feeling before, during, and after?”

By documenting these moments and detecting patterns, you may discover your judgments are heightened in certain environments or around certain people in your life. Or, you could be triggered when you are feeling a certain way—perhaps you have more judgmental thoughts when you are overtired and feeling irritable.

2. Let go of self-judgment

People are often more judgmental of themselves than they are of others, which is why Dr. Gooden encourages clients to try to get at the root of judgmental behavior. “Let’s say you’re going to a party, and you judge the way someone was dressed,” she says. “Ask yourself why that set you off. Were you feeling self-conscious about how you’re dressed? Were you judging yourself about how your body looks?”

She also suggests people catch themselves in the act of overtly self-critical thoughts. “One of the ways to practice that is through self-compassion,” she says. “When people are more compassionate to themselves, they can be more compassionate to other people.”

3. Tweak your vocabulary

Do you often use words like good, bad, always, or never? If these are common descriptors (“You’re unreliable because you’re always late,” for instance), you may be doing too much “all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking,” according to Somich. “This is a common contributor to over-excessive judgment,” she says. “Catch yourself using this language and consider whether there are exceptions to that narrative.”

A solution she recommends is to also add the word and to black-and-white thoughts. “Try saying, ‘my neighbor can be really annoying, and I appreciate when he shares fresh vegetables from his garden.’”

4. Be curious versus critical

It’s a subtle mental shift, but curiosity offers a more positive framework than criticism. “Be curious as to why a person may be acting in a certain way, and try to find alternate explanations for the behavior rather than jumping to critical conclusions,” says Dr. Rabon.

If, for example, you see a mom staring at her phone while pushing her child on the playground swing set, you may initially assume she’s a “bad” parent, but try to extend the courtesy of curiosity and reconsider her reasons for doing that. Perhaps she’s catching up on work after several days of being out with a sick kid, or maybe she’s sending an urgent text to her partner.

5. Practice acceptance

Accepting other people or scenarios can be challenging, but Dr. Rabon says it’s the key to letting go of toxic judgment. “We cannot control the behaviors of others, only how we respond to them,” she says. “Once we realize there is only so much we can control, it makes it easier to accept people and situations for who and what they are because we shift our focus from the external to the internal.”

A vital way to engage in acceptance is by exposing yourself to different cultures and experiences, instead of “enforcing behaviors based on predisposed beliefs,” says Somich. “Ask yourself, ‘is this judgment accurate or helpful?’” The more you are able to accept, the clearer the answer to that will be.

6. Stay connected to your gut

Judgments can certainly be made without relying on intuition, but, Somich says, “The risk of being judgmental—as a personality trait, versus making a judgment—is in losing that connection to intuition.” When making decisions, try to engage with your gut and your judgments in tandem.

Dr. Gooden likes to “listen” to those internal thoughts to better determine if the judgment is on the right track. “How our gut sounds is usually quiet and calm,” she says. “We often know if a job interview went well or if we want a second date, and when we ask ourselves, we can usually hear it in our gut. We can hear if it’s loud and anxious or if it’s calm and quiet. Let that inform you.”

When I was a kid, my best friend and I would joke around with each other and say no one was allowed to claim either of us as their best friend. It was definitely one of those “joking-but-not-joking” kind of conversations as we laughed our way out of fears surrounding the expansion of our circle of friends.

As we grew older into adulthood, we both began to build friendships with other folks at varying degrees of closeness. We learned how to honor the fact that we had friends beyond our bond with each other; when either of us was out having brunch with someone else, it wasn’t something the other would take personally. Even so, the fact that a thread of wondering whether either of us might be getting closer to someone else than we were to each other sometimes felt like a distant threat.

It’s normal to feel a sting of jealousy when your friend seems to be closer to their other friends; however, it’s important to understand that your friend’s other friendships do not diminish the value of your own.

What many people don’t talk about often is friendship insecurity: the feeling of inadequacy that arises when your friend is making new friends, especially close ones. It’s normal to feel a sting of jealousy when your friend seems to be closer to their other friends; however, it’s important to understand that your friend’s other friendships do not diminish the value of your own. You are still important to them, and your friendship with them is still valid. But you still have to do the work of understanding the jealousy of your friend’s friendships so that it doesn’t stir up conflict. Here are a few ways to do that:

6 tips to stop being jealous of your friend’s other friends

1. Reflect on your expectations

First and foremost, take a moment to reflect on your expectations regarding friendships. Understand that different individuals have varied capacities for maintaining relationships, and this truth does not reflect your worth or likability. If your friend has other close friendships, it’s not a knock on your connection.

Assess whether you’re placing undue pressure on yourself or your friend, and try to shift your focus toward valuing the quality of the time you spend together, rather than comparing it to others.

2. Communicate openly

Effective communication is vital in any relationship, including friendships. If you’re feeling distant or less connected to your friend, it’s crucial to express your thoughts and emotions calmly. Approach the conversation with empathy and understanding, emphasizing your overarching desire to strengthen the bond.

For example, tell your friend when you miss them. Take the initiative, and ask your friend for time to hang out or talk on the phone. Remember, just because you’re feeling jealous of your friend’s other friends doesn’t mean they know that. Honest dialogue can help bridge the gap and foster a deeper connection between the two of you.

3. Cultivate your own interests

It’s natural to want to spend more time with your friend if you’re feeling insecure about the quality of your bond. And it’s equally important to cultivate your own interests and pursue independent activities. Engaging in hobbies, joining clubs or communities, and exploring new experiences will provide you with personal fulfillment and broaden your social circle. By nurturing your own sense of self and happiness, you become less reliant on a single friendship for fulfillment.

4. Embrace the value of different friendships

Each friendship is unique and serves different purposes in our lives. Instead of viewing your friend’s other relationships as threats, embrace the diversity of friendships. Recognize that your friend may have different bonds with others based on shared interests, history, or compatibility. It’s healthy and normal for people to have various friends fulfilling different roles. Understanding and accepting this truth can alleviate feelings of competition and enable you to appreciate the special connection you share with your friend.

5. Focus on quality time

Rather than focusing on the total quantity of time you spend with your friend (and compare it to how much time they spend with others), prioritize the quality of your interactions. When you do have the opportunity to spend time with your friend, make it count. Engage in meaningful conversations, actively listen, and create memorable experiences. Quality time can often outweigh the number of hours spent together, forging a deeper bond and making your friendship more fulfilling.

6. Seek support from others

When dealing with feelings of insecurity or loneliness within a friendship, seeking support from other friends or loved ones can be helpful. Sharing your feelings with a trusted confidant can allow you to express yourself and gain valuable insights. Additionally, seeking support from others can help you widen your social circle and establish new connections, enhancing your overall social support network.

Being in a friendship where your friend has multiple friends and may be closer to them than they are with you can be challenging. But you can work through any feelings of jealousy by communicating honestly, focusing on your own feelings and interests, and not taking it personally. Friendships are valuable and worthwhile, and quality isn’t a resource you can measure using time.

Research connects social support as a valuable tool for living a healthy life that can help reduce stress and loneliness. Phone calls are just one form of social support, but there’s evidence to believe it to be an effective one. For instance, a study published in the Journal of Cardiac Failure in December 2022 found that phone calls from a nurse may improve survival for heart failure patients.

What one study author found particularly surprising about the finding, though, is that the sicker patients actually gained the most from the calls. Overall they spent more days out of the hospital and alive. “We expected the sickest, oldest patients and the least sick patients to get no extra benefit from the service, but we found that the sicker you were, the more you got out of this,” says Ilan Kedan, MD, a cardiologist at Cedars-Sinai and study co-author. “I think it is valuable to consider what it means to reach out to another person over the phone…how valuable and powerful that can be.”

“I think it is valuable to consider what it means to reach out to another person over the phone…how valuable and powerful that can be.” —Ilan Kedan, MD

That’s just one example (and a specific and extreme one at that) of the potential health benefits of phone calls. In practice, those feel-good effects of connection lend themselves to virtually all people. Check them out below—and then, the next time you find yourself about to shoot off a text, consider dialing a phone number instead to have a live conversation.

4 health benefits of phone calls to know about

1. Lower rates of loneliness

As mentioned, social support is a tool adept at decreasing loneliness, and phone calls are an effective conduit of that support. Phone calls facilitate non-physical social interaction and contribute to a social support network, which it turns out is vital to living a longer and more healthful life.

Tending to social support networks is a key way to fight and prevent loneliness, which is a risk factor for many ailments. One small study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) in 2021 found that loneliness, depression, anxiety, and general mental improved among a group of 240 homebound, at-risk older adults who received phone calls through Meals on Wheels during a four week program in 2020.

2. Improved mood and less stress

Because they’re a means to stay connected and facilitate conversation, it makes sense that phone calls can contribute to improved mood and reduced stress. A recent study found that just one quality conversation helped improve the mood and lower the stress levels of participants by the end of the day. That conversation could happen on the phone.

3. Clearer communication and less awkwardness

Phone calls foster clear communication, which is beneficial in our relationships. Communicating our needs in all our relationships strengthens them, and speaking on the phone can help with this because hearing the inflections and tone of someone’s voice provides context and nuance that can help their meaning be interpreted. (Texting, on the other hand, often leaves room for such interpretation, making it tougher to ascertain someone’s tone and intention.) “It humanizes the other person that you’re reaching out to and takes out a lot of the guesswork…there’s less interpretation we have to do,” Alexandra Cromer, LPC, a therapist at Thriveworks, says of phone calls.

Science backs this up: A study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology in 2021 sought to assess whether different types of communications offered the same level of benefit. Participants were asked to connect with someone over the phone, video, or by text-based communication. Those whose connections included verbal communication, such as phone and video calls, reported stronger social bonds and no increase in awkwardness compared to those who communicated via text.

4. More ways to have sex and build intimacy

According to therapist and sexologist Joy Berkheimer, PhD, LMFT, the voice is an instrument you can use to stoke a partner’s fantasies and desires, and a phone call opens up the possibility of using it, even when you’re not physically near each other. (There’s a reason some dating apps have added voice messaging features, and why audio erotica apps and stories are so popular.) “Our sensuality and eroticism is about our senses, and we like our senses to be piqued in a different way,” says Dr. Berkheimer. “To me, someone’s voice can transport you.”

Hopping on the phone to tell your partner a sexy story or to tell them your fantasies is a great way to incorporate this other avenue of pleasure into your routine.

Because the spectrum of possible relationships one can have with alcohol is wide—from the frequent drinker to the sober-curious to the complete abstainer (and everything in between)—there’s plenty of room for differences between partners in a committed relationship. And it may be extra-challenging for partners to cohabitate when they fall on opposite sides of that spectrum, with one drinking heavily and the other in recovery from alcohol use disorder (AUD).

Unlike someone choosing to live a dry lifestyle, someone in recovery stands to “experience devastating consequences should they choose to drink,” says Lawrence Weinstein, MD, chief medical officer at American Addiction Centers. “Such stark differences in alcohol consumption can generate conflict that negatively affects a relationship.”

“Stark differences in alcohol consumption can generate conflict that negatively affects a relationship.” —Lawrence Weinstein, MD, chief medical officer, American Addiction Centers

That potential for conflict only rises when you add in cohabitation, given the question of whether any alcohol will be kept or consumed in the shared home. “Research has shown that tensions brought about by alcohol differences in couples [can lead to] increased rates of depression and anxiety; more frequently reported physical abuse, emotional abuse, and mood disorders; and decreased levels of satisfaction within the relationship,” says Dr. Weinstein.

Even in scenarios where the people in a relationship are on less extreme ends of the alcohol-use spectrum—perhaps, one person is dry-by-choice and the other drinks alcohol socially—differences can spark tension. I learned this firsthand when I began intentionally going on dry dates as part of my commitment to my first “dry January” in 2017. The exercise opened my eyes to how alcohol can affect even the early stages of a romantic partnership. From the very beginning, some of my first dates scoffed at my commitment to sobriety—even though I didn’t mind if they drank.

Years later, in 2020, I published my book The Dry Challenge: How to Lose the Booze for Dry January, Sober October, and Any Other Alcohol-Free Month, which includes a chapter on ties between drinking culture and courtship. The bottom line from my research? Consuming alcohol can affect a person’s health, mood, and sleep—all of which play a role in how they show up in a relationship. And whether one or both partners drink will also influence how they spend their time together, interpret each other’s words and gestures, and view each other’s life (or lifestyle) choices.

As a result, navigating how to live peacefully with a sober partner when you drink will likely involve negotiation and compromise. Below, find tips for live-in couples in which only one party drinks.

4 tips for how to live peacefully with a sober (or sober-curious) partner

1. Talk about alcohol and how to support each other’s preferences

Having a dedicated conversation about drinking can help you each set boundaries and expectations. “It’s good to agree on certain [rules] for the person who drinks to adhere to, so that there are no surprises, which can otherwise lead couples into fight-or-flight responses,” says therapist Allen Wagner, LMFT.

Depending on each person’s unique relationship with alcohol, says Dr. Weinstein, examples of areas around which to set rules or boundaries could include: how much alcohol can be in the house, when alcohol is consumed, which type of alcohol is consumed, a preferred location that alcohol is consumed, and a required chat should one party want to drink. The most effective way to broach this subject? “Direct and explicit communication,” he adds.

For couples who are having a difficult time speaking about this on their own, Wagner suggests couples counseling, which can be a safe place to break down what everyone is looking for in terms of behavioral or structural changes. “Things should feel fair and not hypocritical,” he says. “Consistency is the key to habit-making.”

2. Reevaluate the role of alcohol within your shared home

One of the most common discussions about alcohol in scenarios where one partner is sober or dry-by-choice is around whether alcohol will still be kept or consumed in the shared home. If your sober partner is in recovery, learning how to live peacefully with them likely means keeping your home alcohol-free.

For Sarah Potteiger, 31, who’s now three years sober, having no alcohol in the home she shares with her husband, who drinks, has been a huge help. Ironically, when she met him for their first date more than seven years ago, it was at a dive bar, and they bonded over beers. But now, she appreciates that if her husband is going to drink, he does it out with his friends when she’s not present. “We don’t typically keep booze in the apartment,” she says. “That’s been a big change, but he was very supportive and understanding of why I needed it out of sight.”

The same goes for Zoë Tobin, 40, and David Fischer, 51, who have been together for more than five years and living together for the past three. Tobin got sober six months ago, and Fischer still drinks but typically just during social outings without her, and they don’t keep alcohol at home.

“Gambling in front of a sports-betting addict would seem cruel, and partners should consider how they would feel if they were put in similar situations of temptation.” —Allen Wagner, LMFT, therapist

In these cases, removing alcohol from the home is a matter of respect. “Gambling in front of a sports-betting addict would seem cruel, and partners should consider how they would feel if they were put in similar situations of temptation,” says Wagner. But even if your partner is sober-curious or dry-by-choice, it’s important for both people to be empathetic toward each other and proactively plan around the logistics of drinking (or not) in the shared home.

For someone like Tom Houston, 41, the decision not to drink was simply a lifestyle choice, and he came to the agreement with his wife, Lori, 40, that alcohol could still play a role in their home. “We are constantly entertaining at home—at least three to four times per month—and having alcohol on hand, as well as actively serving it to our guests and my wife, feels perfectly normal,” he says.

Despite his personal choice to abstain, Houston feels comfortable with booze being present in his home and social life, as much as it is in his job as the director of food and beverage at a hotel in Hawaii. But for others who are similarly dry-by-choice, alcohol at home may still be triggering. The important thing is to discuss with a sober partner whether you or others drinking alcohol in the home they share feels comfortable to them or… not so much, and to respect that call.

3. Stay open-minded about the effects of sobriety or sober-curiosity on your partnership

Some people might enter a relationship sober or sober-curious and may need to negotiate boundaries around alcohol upon moving in with a partner. But it’s also possible for a person’s relationship with alcohol to change over time. Perhaps you used to drink with your partner for date night, or simply to pass time, and now, you’ve found yourself in a long-term relationship with someone who no longer wants to split a bottle of wine or take whiskey shots at the bar.

From the jump, you might be concerned that your relationship (or your life) is about to change drastically or suddenly become boring. Lori Houston (Tom’s wife, above) admits this was top of mind for her when Tom decided to give up alcohol. “At first, I worried about how his not drinking would affect date nights and us going out to have fun, or attending events together,” she says.

But, in fact, Lori has benefited from her husband not drinking: Tom is more engaged, he has a new role as designated driver, and the couple has amassed more financial savings for fun activities. And, when Tom’s sleep improved sans alcohol, Lori’s did, too.

Potteiger had a similar experience. “Speaking on our relationship as a whole, sobriety has made it a lot more meaningful because I’m able to be fully present and show up for him in ways I never could before,” she says, adding that though she’s often struggled with sobriety, these rough patches have, in the end, made her relationship with her husband that much stronger.

That’s not to say that every relationship stands to benefit when one person chooses not to drink, whether for health reasons or otherwise. But if you’re the partner who drinks, part of learning how to live with a sober or dry-by-choice partner is keeping an open mind to the potential upsides of their sobriety, rather than assuming that their need or choice to abstain is destined to doom your relationship.

4. Swap out booze-related relationship activities

Learning how to live with a sober or sober-curious partner is bound to require finding new ways to spend your time and money as a couple—especially if drinking has been a part of your regularly scheduled programming in the past. Exploring dry date ideas will help you uncover just as many ways to connect or build intimacy without alcohol.

These days, Potteiger and her husband spend their savings on experiences and travel rather than alcohol-soaked date nights. “And on those nights when we typically would have headed to a bar, we now usually stay in and spend time together talking and watching a show or a movie,” says Potteiger.

Wagner suggests couples go to concerts together (without hitting the bar), or do things in nature, like camp or hike. “Some people love escape rooms and virtual-reality experiences, as well,” he adds. “Game nights with other couples can be a fun activity, too, as can dinners at restaurants in scenic areas where you can walk around after [to replace going for a drink].”

Long-term relationships are hard work. But, sex psychologist, therapist, and University of Florida psychology professor Laurie Mintz, PhD, says she’s found a few common threads between the long-term couples who thrive counseling. Keep reading for Dr. Mintz’s top tips for long-term relationship health.

6 therapist-approved tips for long-term relationship health

1. Work through issues as soon as they arise

Dissecting relationship problems with your S.O. can be scary, but according to Dr. Mintz, allowing issues to fester because ignoring them is easier than dealing with them only makes them grow: “The sooner you talk about it, the better,” she says.

Dissecting relationship problems can be scary, but according to sex and relationship therapist Laurie Mintz, PhD, allowing issues to fester only makes them grow.

In fact, the shared ability to tackle problems before they become worse is one of the biggest hallmarks of a relationship that’s built to last, according to Dr. Mintz, author of Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters–And How to Get It and A Tired Woman’s Guide to Passionate Sex. This ability is a sign of strong, effective communication between both parties and shows that both partners are comfortable enough to share their concerns with each other.

“That doesn’t mean you’re always happy,” Dr. Mintz caveats. “Real couples have real conflicts.” But being able work through issues in a respectful way, while actively listening, is a positive sign of a couple’s resilience.

2. Make sex a priority

In the 1970s, psychologist Dorothy Tennov, PhD, coined the early phase of a romantic relationship as the “limerence phase.” Marked by over-the-top infatuation, it typically lasts anywhere from 18 months to three years. After this period, says Dr. Mintz, it’s natural for couples to have less sex and physical intimacy.

While sexual dry spells and declined frequency among long-term couples is common, Dr. Mintz says the the happiest, longest-lasting couples make sex a priority. Aside from the numerous physical and mental health benefits of sex, research shows a positive correlation between sexual frequency and overall marital satisfaction.

For those juggling work, kids, and any other markers of a full life outside the scope of a romantic bond, making sex a priority might require putting it on your calendar. Scheduling sex might feel quite un-sexy, but according to Dr. Mintz, our idea of “spontaneous” sex actually involves a bit of planning. “Before you went out on a date, you washed your hair, you put on makeup, you put on clothes,” she points out. “That was not spontaneous. That was well-orchestrated.” Furthermore, scheduling sex dates gives both partners something to look forward to.

Dr. Mintz’s best tip for initiative sex after a dry spell? Just do it: “It’s like driving a car in the winter,” she says. “You’ve got to scrape off the ice, and then you can have a nice drive.”

3. They accept their partner’s bids for connection

According to research from relationship psychologists John and Julie Gottman, the longest-lasting married couples regularly accept their partner’s bids for connection, or “units of emotional communication.” Common bids in relationships include—but aren’t limited to—sharing highlights from your day, sending funny videos over text, initiating a kiss, or voicing concerns about your relationship.

Turning toward our partner’s bids for affection instead of away from them shows that we deeply care about their feelings and are excited for the opportunity to connect with them, says Dr. Mintz. Negatively reacting to or blatantly ignoring our loved one’s bids for affection tells them that we don’t care—or respect—their thoughts, feelings, and ideas. “If your partner turns towards you, turn towards them,” she says.

4. They show love how their partner likes to receive it

Some folks in long-term relationships are lucky enough to express and receive love in the same way; for those who don’t, it’s easy to fall into a trap of not making your partner feel loved or not feeling loved by your partner. For instance, you might feel head-over-heels in love when your partner cleans out the car for you, but that doesn’t mean they feel the same way when you do it for them.

Filling your partner’s cup means “giving them what they want, not what you want,” says Dr. Mintz. If you don’t already know how your partner feels valued and loved, simply ask them what you can do—or do more of—to make them feel adored.

5. They share a growth mindset

Do you believe people are in charge of their lives? Or do you believe that destiny decides it all?

If you subscribe to the first line of thought, you have what psychologist Carol Dweck calls a “growth mindset,” and that you’re in the driver’s seat of your life. You can change every facet of it, should you decide to. On the flip side, if folks have a fixed mindset about their relationship, they may be be less motivated to do the work required to maintain its healthy status.

A growth mindset renders conflicts and flaws as fixable issues that folks can overcome together rather than relationship-ending obstacles set out by the universe. And, says Dr. Mintz, it’s an empowering mindset for long-term couples.

6. They try new things together

While sticking to a comfortable routine might be tempting, Dr. Mintz suggests switching things up a little for the longevity of your relationship. “The research shows that couples who try new things together do novel activities and end up feeling closer,” she says. So, consider taking a dance class, going rock climbing, or trying a new restaurant together.

Variety is the spice of life, after all, and that goes for sex, too, says Dr. Mintz. “Most couples get into a sexual routine,” she says, “but sometimes, even if it’s orgasmic, it can get a little boring.”

Just as our sexual appetites change over time, our sexual interests and kinks change, too, she adds. This isn’t to say you should try anything you’re uncomfortable with (please don’t!), but be willing to explore and try new things in the bedroom. Asking your partner to play in new ways—and inviting them to share their fantasies—can be an exercise of trust and vulnerability. “Always communicate what you want,” adds Dr. Mintz, “and don’t assume you [still] know how to push all their buttons.”

Above all, Dr. Mintz says that the longest-lasting couples hold a deep amount of respect for their partners and have a willingness to change for the better. Deciding that a relationship is worth fighting for—and doing the work necessary to breathe life into it—is what ensures a relationship’s longevity for years to come.

But surprisingly, the number-one question I get is not any of those above. Rather, the most common divorce question I receive is: “What did I do wrong in my marriage to find myself here?” And it comes from everyone—men and women, those who’ve initiated the divorce process and those who were shocked by their spouse’s desire to split. I even hear it from those who’ve taken months or years to gather the courage and resources necessary to leave an unhealthy partnership.

It’s extraordinarily rare that one person is ever solely responsible for the demise of any relationship. When viewed through that lens, the question can be informative and important for self-awareness, growth, and the success of future relationships. However, it’s more common that I hear a sense of shame in the question. A feeling of failure is a totally normal response to divorce or separation. After all, marriage is “supposed” to be forever, and taking it apart is often complicated, expensive, and emotionally draining.

With divorce rates in the U.S. hovering between 40 and 50 percent there are very few people whose lives haven’t been impacted by divorce, even if it’s not their own. And yet, divorce is consistently described as brutally lonely. And like so many other life challenges (such as chronic or debilitating illness, mental health, and infertility), it can be very hard to discuss.

One client told me she was desperate to travel home to her parents for comfort but hadn’t found the strength to tell them what was happening. “I’m afraid of their reaction,” she said. “My marriage was important to them, and I know how disappointed they’ll be. This isn’t supposed to happen in our family.” Another wanted her spouse to pretend everything was fine in front of their friends for a holiday party. Many people change their routines or stay home to avoid being seen struggling. Others have a different problem: Their friends and family disparage the spouse/ex so zealously that there’s no room for discussion or nuance. Some even report feeling embarrassed they ever chose that person.

I’m not suggesting that everyone in our lives should receive the same amount of detail and information. But when people find themselves willing to trade support they want from someone they love, to preserve the appearance of success, that’s worth revisiting.

Much like the other life challenges, we can lessen the trauma of divorce through honest discussions about what it involves. This starts by creating an accepting environment that suspends judgement about the choice to seek a divorce. Instead, each person deserves to be trusted to make the decisions that are best for their life, supported as they manage their pain and grief, and recognized for their bravery as they navigate a challenging new course.

For those who find themselves embarrassed and avoiding people and situations they otherwise enjoy, these strategies may help

1. Focus on your big picture goals and future plans

Ask yourself, what if you were able to see your future, and it looked amazing? Get specific about things you want to do and accomplish and allow yourself to dream big! Write these down and post them somewhere you’ll see them regularly. Revisit them when you’re feeling stuck and challenge yourself to take even one step toward that dream. What action will you take, and when? What will success look like?

2. Create messaging for the people in your life including yourself

Decide how you want to talk with family and friends, and importantly, how you will talk to yourself! Messages will make it easier to have conversations you might otherwise avoid. For those with kids, messages such as these can help set the tone:

• “Our marriage is ending but we will always be connected by our children. We are both committed to helping them through this with love and consistency. We will not badmouth the other parent.”
• “Please support me in treating my ex with compassion. We are both sad and overwhelmed.”

For yourself, practice self-love, kindness, compassion, and acceptance.

• “I am strong and resilient. I have done hard things before and I can do this, too.”
• “I am worthy of love and belonging.”
• “My unique, amazing, next-best-me is out there, even if I’m not there today.”

3. Engage support

You will likely need at least one professional and one personal support person to help you through your divorce. On the personal side, the hardest part is asking for what you need from the right person. Who will have your back 100 percent? Can they help you share information with others? Can they listen without inflaming the situation, and provide honest feedback? Choose someone you trust.

Professionally, there are many options. Lawyers, coaches, and mediators offer different services, and it’s worth investigating to find the best fit for your unique situation.

These tools and many others are available to help make the divorce process more manageable and less isolating. Although it may feel far away now, divorce can be the catalyst for a positive transformation into the amazing future you deserve.

When you and your partner’s energy levels don’t match following sex, it can affect your relationship in and out of the bedroom. Knowing why you may have more or less energy after sex—and how you can address any concerns or communicate needs better with your partner—is an important way to strengthen the relationship as a whole.

Hormonal reasons behind those post-sex energy levels

The hormones your brain releases during (and immediately after) sex play a role in how energized (or not) you feel after doing the deed. “During a sexual encounter, the brain releases oxytocin,” says Sari Cooper, LCSW, certified sex therapist and director of The Center for Love and Sex in New York City. Oxytocin, known as the “love hormone,” helps you feel warm and relaxed by lowering cortisol (the “stress hormone”), she says. Thus, from a purely chemical level, getting physical with your partner can help you or your partner relax enough to fall asleep.

That’s just from the sexual “encounter,” though. “If a person orgasms, there are further hormones that get released, including vasopressin, prolactin, serotonin, nitric oxide, and endorphins,” says Cooper. Vasopressin affects memories, concentration, and even aggression, which is why people often feel bonded to their sexual partners. Serotonin and endorphins are hormones that improve your mood. Nitric oxide promotes additional blood flow to the genitals, increasing sensation and supporting orgasm. Most importantly, prolactin is released after orgasm to help decrease desire and help you feel satisfied—again promoting that relaxed state.

Everyone produces prolactin, but a person’s levels vary at different times of their life depending on whether or not they have orgasmed, if they are or have been pregnant, or if they are nursing. Since prolactin levels affect sexual satisfaction, which leads to the further release of hormones affecting energy, their effect may rely in some part on the sexual biology of the person having intercourse. It doesn’t help that heterosexual women often experience “the orgasm gap” which contextualizes the lowered likelihood of a vagina-haver to orgasm during penetrative intercourse than a penis-haver. This would, then, make folks with a vagina less likely than folks with a penis partners to have released the hormones after cis-hetero sex that would make them tired.

Keep in mind that “we are all unique individuals, so these hormones may have different effects on people no matter what their sex,” says Cooper.

The other variables at play if you’re tired after sex

How you feel after sex isn’t as simple as chemicals in your brain. There are all kinds of variables that can affect hormone release such as a person’s menstrual cycle, medications, or other factors. Your day-to-day sexual response is also liable to vary, and “the same person doesn’t have the same reaction every time,” says Stella Harris, an intimacy coach and author of Tongue Tied: Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink, and Relationships and The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes. “Not only can the sex be different, but the state we go into it can also affect the way we feel coming out.” That is, if you’re already tired before having sex, odds are that the sex will make you feel more tired.

The physical toll of sex can also impact your post-intimacy energy levels. “Sexual activity can be like working out and your stamina is challenged so that when some folks are done, they are ready to sleep and for others, they’re more wired,” says Cooper.

“What’s important is to be accepting of whatever your body needs after sex…Nothing good comes from fighting against our body’s needs.” —Stella Harris, intimacy coach and author

Your emotional state also affects how alert or depleted you are after sex. For example, “if one person is worried they are engaging sexually as a way of creating a deeper emotional bond, their vulnerability will be higher,” Cooper says. “If the emotional connection is not apparent or returned, falling asleep might be a way to cope with their disappointment.” Or, “if two partners share an aligned experience that makes both of them equally connected and hopeful about their relationship, sleeping can be the result of a super-relaxed state,” she says. One could also see how either of those scenarios could lead someone to be more awake, either because their head is spinning with anxiety or buzzing with excitement.

“What’s important is to be accepting of whatever your body needs after sex,” says Harris. “If you’re a jump-out-of-bed-and-go-for-a-run person, that’s great. If you need a cat nap, that’s great, too. Nothing good comes from fighting against our body’s needs.” She says to plan for it as much as possible once you know your patterns. For example, if you know you need to rest after sex, you may want to account for some extra cuddling time before moving on with your day. Or if you know you feel wide awake afterwards, see if your partner is game for morning sex.

When to be concerned about post-orgasm sleepiness

It’s normal for your energy level to fluctuate throughout phases of your life, a relationship, or even the week. It’s also normal for people to have patterns they notice about themselves, such as always sleeping through the night after orgasm. However, if you think your reaction to sex or orgasm is extreme—say you’re so wired you can’t sleep at all, or unable to stay awake even if you wanted to—the experts say you may want to investigate potential causes with your health-care provider.

A condition called Post Coital Dysphoria (PCD), is what Cooper describes as when someone “might feel deep sadness after a partnered sexual experience.” People with PCD may have symptoms like mood swings and reduced energy. There’s also a rare medical disorder called Post Orgasmic Illness Syndrome (POIS), which can cause exhaustion, fog, or other flu-like symptoms in people. It can last up to five days post orgasm or sexual encounter. The cause is currently unknown but may be due to either a process in a person’s brain or an allergy to another person’s seminal fluid. If you suspect either of these conditions, speak to your health-care or mental health provider.

When to talk to your partner about being tired after sex

Let’s say you don’t feel the need to loop in a health-care provider to get to the bottom of why you might feel tired after sex. Even so, it could be worth discussing swings in energy with your partner to make sure they understand how you’re feeling—particularly if they feel differently.

For example, you might bring up if your partner’s energy level is affecting your enjoyment of partnered sex, so “one partner’s falling asleep isn’t misinterpreted as abandonment by the other, and a burst of energy by one partner isn’t misinterpreted as lack of authentic connection,” says Cooper.

It’s important to talk about what you need in advance so you can advocate for yourself when you’re in a calm, non-sexually charged situation. For example, Harris says one solution would be that the person who tends to have a lot of energy after sex might be able to burn it off ahead of time, leaving them available for calm cuddles with their more sedate partner afterward. Or, the snugglier partner may need to compromise and have a shorter cuddling session after sex to accommodate a partner who needs less time being stationary. Cooper suggests using “I” statements, such as “I feel…” or “I would prefer…,” to avoid assumptions or projecting inaccurate intentions on your partner.

As with most aspects of relationships, communication and compromise are key to finding a solution that works for everyone—and the case of being tired after sex is no exception.

But is it ever possible to be or become too empathetic? As it turns out, this is one of those scenarios where there can be too much of a good thing. A condition called hyper empathy, or hyper-empathy syndrome, involves being so empathetic that you actually embody others’ emotions to the same strength or extent as you would your own—such that you lose track of what’s theirs and what’s yours to feel.

Given we all have a finite capacity for how many things it’s possible to, well, feel at once, such a tendency can quickly lead to emotional overwhelm, negating the would-be benefits of being empathetic in the first place.

What is hyper empathy?

As with any other feeling, the capacity for empathy exists on a continuum. If, at one end of the spectrum, you find people who really struggle to feel any empathy for others, the hyper-empathetic folks would fall at the opposite end, says Lorenzo Norris, MD, associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at George Washington School of Medicine & Health Sciences.

In this way, there’s also a good deal of overlap between people with hyper-empathy syndrome and true empaths, who make up only a tiny fraction of the population (an estimated one to two percent) and are thought to have the capacity to physically feel what someone else is feeling. On an emotional level, both true empaths and people with hyper empathy take on others’ feelings wholly as their own, whereas folks who are empathetic (but not in either of the above camps) can differentiate between their feelings and someone else’s, and identify when they’re feeling one versus the other.

“Not only does a [hyper-empath] feel your emotion, they feel it so strongly that it can either stay with them, or it may cause them to lose sight of their own emotions.”—Lorenzo Norris, MD, psychiatrist

Though the capacity to be so in tune with someone else’s emotions may sound like a superpower—and it certainly may allow for some next-level vulnerability and intimacy—the problem lies in the hyper-empath’s inability to disassociate from or check out of the other person’s emotions when it would be healthiest to do so. “Not only do they feel your emotion, they feel it so strongly that it can either stay with them [for too long], or it may cause them to lose sight of their own emotions, or set healthy boundaries,” says Dr. Norris.

3 signs of hyper empathy in action

1. Poor sense of self

Because someone with hyper empathy cannot easily differentiate, if at all, between their emotions and those of others, a person in this camp may also have a blurry understanding of their own identity writ large. “You may have a hard time identifying what makes you happy, but you can very much identify what makes somebody else happy,” says marriage and family therapist Joy Berkheimer, PhD, LMFT of someone with hyper empathy.

This can spawn codependent behaviors in relationships and friendships. “Apart from someone else, a hyper-empath may find that they don’t know what they want to eat or where they want to go or what they want to do, but they can say, ‘I know what this other person would want,'” says Dr. Berkheimer. Because they struggle to pinpoint their own needs and desires, chances are, those aren’t being addressed or met, which can trigger resentment long-term.

2. Limited (if any) boundaries

A person with hyper empathy feels almost intrinsically connected to others. “There’s basically no autonomy or separation between them and their friends or partner(s),” says Dr. Berkheimer. As a result, they tend to have no form of boundaries and will gladly change their own plans for the sake of others, say “yes” to requests when they don’t have the emotional or physical bandwidth, or otherwise overextend themselves in an unsustainable way.

3. Emotional overwhelm and mood swings

Perhaps the most glaring sign of hyper-empathy syndrome is being in a near-constant state of feeling…all of the things. Life can feel so intense for a person in this position because they’re essentially experiencing everything that the people around them are experiencing by way of the resulting emotions. And that can be a lot to handle. “They may even get to the point where everything is so chaotic that they start to self-isolate,” says Dr. Berkheimer.

Things can snowball even further when others respond negatively to the hyper-empathetic person. “Friends and family members might resist this person’s excessive need to empathize with them, leading the overly empathetic person to become angry or resentful,” says Dr. Berkheimer.

Cue: yet another set of potential emotions for the emotionally flooded person to handle. “The empath might feel disappointed that everyone in their life isn’t excited about their efforts to help [carry the emotional load],” she adds. “They’re like, ‘I want to give you all the things—why would you not want this support from me?'” When really, the other person is just trying to move through their own emotions themselves.

Effects of hyper-empathy syndrome

On the person experiencing it

While it’s important and healthy to feel your emotions, a hyper-empath can sit in emotions for an excessively long time and may be unable to let go of emotions, which can be stressful and upsetting. “Any emotional state that is fixed is inevitably not going to be a great thing, whether it’s sadness, anger, or even happiness,” says Dr. Norris. Particularly with negative emotions, however, the effects of sitting in them for lengthy periods can be detrimental to both body and mind.

For example, someone who is angry for an extended period (including someone who is empathically taking on the anger of someone else) will also continue to undergo the body’s stress response to such an emotion; this includes a spike in the hormone cortisol that can trigger physical symptoms like a racing heartbeat and shortness of breath. “It’s exhausting to be angry for a long time, and it has a very real effect: You’re likely going to be more aggressive to everyone around you, you may start to lose concentration, and you may not sleep well,” says Dr. Norris.

Being able to shift out of angry (or sad or happy) feelings easily is a key part of healthy emotional regulation, adds Dr. Norris, and having hyper empathy makes this much more difficult.

On others around them

A person with hyper-empathy syndrome may inadvertently topple others’ boundaries by way of their tendency to fully assume other people’s emotional states. It’s almost as if they’re constantly “dropping into another person’s experience,” says Dr. Berkheimer, even if they weren’t really invited to do so, explicitly or at all.

This can have the effect of preventing the other person from really embodying and experiencing their own emotions, leading them to feel as if their autonomy is being infringed upon, which can be hurtful or upsetting, says Dr. Berkheimer. As a result, they might try to express or reinforce a boundary of their own, which could just lead the hyper-empathetic person to feel unwanted or rejected. The ensuing conflict could then wind up distancing them from others, she adds.

How to manage hyper empathy

If you identify these signs or effects of hyper empathy in you, it’s important to learn how to separate your own emotions and feelings from those of others. To do so, Dr. Berkheimer recommends working with a mental-health professional. “This isn’t something you want to leave untreated because you could wind up either feeling emotionally agitated all the time, or isolating yourself because the experience of everyone else’s energy is so intense for you,” she says.

In particular, you might look for a therapist who practices dialectical behavior therapy, which is specifically geared to those who experience intense emotions. Part of this work involves learning how to respect others’ boundaries, and how to establish your own boundaries based on your values; it’s key to understand that just because you can feel someone else’s emotions on a deep level doesn’t always mean it’s healthy or helpful for you to do so, either for you or for them (or both).

Key Virgo traits

Virgo is ruled by the element of earth and communication and logic-oriented planet Mercury, which are reflective of many of Virgo’s key characteristics. According to Emily Newman, physic reader, spiritual healer, counselor, and astrologer at The Best of Psychic Reader, Virgo is practical and adept at critical thinking and problem-solving. The Mercury-ruled mutable sign can thrive in the midst of chaos—and, more impressively still—without seeming to break a sweat.

As they are associated with the sixth house of astrology, which represents things like routine and daily responsibilities, Virgo places a lot of value on structure. “Virgos are concerned with rituals and routines, and will working diligently toward a goal with a level of dedication and organization often tied to perfectionism,” Alex Caiola, astrologer, psychic, and founder of spiritual wellness platform High Priestess of Brooklyn, previously told Well+Good.

True to their reputation as the zodiac’s perfectionist, Virgo takes great care to do things correctly, down to the very last detail. However, their penchant for perfectionism can be a weakness, too. “Virgo is a perfectionist and is well-organized by nature, but they can be critical over-thinkers who expect excellence from everyone,” says Newman. Their resolve to improve everything—and everyone—around them can make them come off as nit-picky or hypercritical.

However, astrologer Stefanie Iris Weiss previously told Well+Good that they often mean well. Virgo is a service-oriented sign who is keen on helping others, and they might offer advice or a hand to show their love.

Virgo compatibility in relationships

Virgo will typically be most compatible with a partner who shares the same values, or can appreciate and understand the virgin sign’s grounded, analytical, and observant nature—and there are some zodiac signs who will naturally appeal to a Virgo. Typically, fellow earth signs Taurus and Capricorn are compatible with Virgo, as they will inherently understand one another and value the same things, like practicality and honest work.

Virgo is also compatible with water signs Cancer and Scorpio, as earth and water are considered as complementary astrological elements. While Virgo might differ from the water signs in terms of how they express their emotions and energy, they can appreciate Virgo’s observant and thoughtful qualities, and vice versa. Pisces is another compatible match for Virgo, and though they are opposite zodiac signs, Weiss told Well+Good that they can balance each other out.

Ahead, learn more about which zodiac signs are the most (and least) compatible with Virgo.

Virgo and Aries compatibility

Aries is quincunx, or five signs apart from Virgo, and zodiac signs that form a quincunx aspect typically have trouble relating to one another. “Aries is instinctive and fiery,” astrologer Stephanie Gailing previously told Well+Good. “Virgo is methodical, detail-oriented, and has more patience.” What they have in common is their ambition, though they will typically move towards a goal in different ways.

Virgo is meticulous and zeros in on the details, whereas Aries isn’t one to waste any time and charges in headfirst—and likes to take charge. Their different approaches to situations, and life in general, can make this a challenging relationship for both signs. However, if the two learn how to appreciate what the other brings to the table, they have the potential to make things work.

Virgo and Taurus compatibility

Taurus and Virgo are earth signs who implicitly understand each other and share similar values. They place a lot of value on stability and security, Newman told Well+Good. Plus, Virgo can appreciate how Taurus can keep them calm when they begin to worry or overthink, and Taurus won’t ever feel rushed by Virgo, who also prefers a slow and steady approach to love.

One caveat: Taurus and Virgo are both stubborn and set in their opinions. If a conflict arises, the two can get caught up in a tug of war because neither will want to admit they are wrong or apologize first. However, for the most part, Taurus and Virgo will have no problem being on the same page. “Both are emotional people who seek a spouse who understands them,” says Newman, and they can each play that role for the other.

Virgo and Gemini compatibility

Gemini and Virgo are mutable signs that share the same ruling planet, Mercury, which gives the two common ground. “Both are very intelligent and intellectual, as well as open-minded,” astrologer Tenae Stewart, author of The Modern Witch’s Guide to Magickal Self-Care, previously told Well+Good. Plus, both signs prefer to examine their feelings from a logical perspective, so they can communicate without getting too emotional.

However, their differences can cause conflict in the relationship. “Although Virgo is open to change, they are still an earth sign and have high expectations around their partner being reliable, which may sometimes be challenging for Gemini,” says Newman. Conversely, Gemini may be put off by Virgo’s insistence on structure and routine. If they want to make things work, they have to accept and appreciate each other for who they are.

Virgo and Cancer compatibility

Cancer is a cardinal water sign, and though different from Virgo, they are both inherently caring, so each can give the other what they need in a relationship. The water and earth sign pair also balance each other out in the best of ways. Virgo can offer the security and stability that Cancer craves, while Cancer can help Virgo channel their emotions.

However, Virgo may come off as harsh or insensitive at times, which can upset Cancer who is known for their sensitivity, and on the opposite side of the spectrum, Virgo may think Cancer takes things too personally. A little compassion and understanding is all they need to work out this issue, though, and neither sign will give up when things get rough, so they have the potential to last a long time.

Virgo and Leo compatibility

Leo and Virgo are on the cusp of and next to each other on the zodiac calendar, and the neighboring signs have very different personalities that bring tension to the relationship. “Leo is a fire sign who craves attention and praise, whereas Virgo prefers to keep things low-key and modest,” says Newman. She also told Well+Good that “Leos want to live in the current moment,” which may not sit well with forward-thinking and analytical Virgo.

Their differences give Leo and Virgo the opportunity to learn from the other. For instance, Leo can teach Virgo to loosen up, while Virgo can teach Leo how to approach things with more patience. However, this won’t be the easiest task as both can be stubborn, arrogant, and autocratic. If neither sign is willing to push their ego to the side, a relationship with one another may end up being more trouble than it’s worth.

Virgo and Virgo compatibility

If there is one zodiac sign who can truly understand Virgo, it’s another Virgo. “They will be very organized and adept at making decisions together, whether that’s making decisions about little everyday things or long-term plans for their relationship,” says Stewart. They will understand one another from the offset, and continue to push the other to be their best self.

However, “Virgo can be very critical,” says Stewart, and when two Virgos come together, they can fall into what she calls “a cycle of criticism.” If they let their perfectionistic tendencies take over, it can push them apart. With this in mind, “they have to be conscious of whether they are being critical towards each other and themselves,” she says.

Virgo and Libra compatibility

Virgo and Libra are on the cusp of and next to each other on the zodiac calendar, and the neighboring signs don’t seem like a compatible match on the surface. Virgo is practical and organized to the point of perfectionism, while airy Libra is an idealist who can be indecisive. However, the two have potential to make it work if they look past their differences and find commonality.

For one, “both are intellectual,” Stewart told Well+Good, and neither sign is too emotional, so they can relate to each other in this way. Stewart also says that while Virgo has the reputation for being reserved, they are actually a “very sensual and sexual sign,” which will appeal to Venus-ruled Libra. “When they connect on an intellectual and physical level, I think they will find that they can really support one another,” she says.

Virgo and Scorpio compatibility

Scorpio is a fixed water sign, who shares a similar outlook on life to Virgo. “Both signs are clever and intelligent, and they like to be well-planned,” says Newman. The two will make a productive pair, and if they choose to be in a committed partnership, it’s likely that they will create and outline their goals to ensure that their future together is going to be successful.

If, at times, Scorpio can’t meet Virgo’s high standards, this may cause tension in the relationship. Being a water sign, Scorpio can be sensitive, and Virgo may come off as critical, which can hurt their partner and cause them to lash out or become withdrawn. Virgo needs to be mindful of how they communicate to Scorpio while Scorpio has to understand that, sometimes, Virgo means well.

Virgo and Sagittarius compatibility

Sagittarius is a fire sign who craves freedom in all aspects of life. They like their independence, and while Virgo can respect their partner’s need for autonomy, they also want someone who can offer them security—and Sagittarius may struggle with this if they aren’t committed to the relationship. If they aren’t on the same page, this can prevent them from moving forward.

Personality-wise, they can also clash. “Sagittarius may become frustrated by Virgo’s need for perfection, while Virgo believes Sagittarius may be negligent and careless in their management of things,” says Newman. This may cause them to struggle to make plans, both in their day-to-day lives and as partners. Virgo may also be critical, while Sagittarius may not understand, causing communication to suffer and issues over time.

Virgo and Capricorn compatibility

Capricorn is an earth sign that is career-oriented, ambitious, and responsible, which will appeal to Virgo who likes a partner who knows what they want. They both love structure and routine, but they may approach these in their own way. “Virgo is detail-oriented, whereas Capricorn is more concerned with the larger picture,” says Newman. “Yet, they can do anything if they work together.”

What’s more, Capricorn and Virgo are similarly intellectual and self-driven. “Both zodiac signs are wise, and for each other, they are both dependable and trustworthy,” says Newman. This inherent reliability can extend to their relationship should they decide to commit to one another—and if they do, “the emotional connection between the two will be amazing and strong,” she says.

Virgo and Aquarius compatibility

Aquarius is an air sign who marches to the beat of their own drum and likes to go with the flow, while Virgo is grounded, stable, and adheres to structure. Virgo is also very realistic, and Aquarius likes to think outside the box in imaginative and innovative ways, which won’t come naturally to Virgo. On the other hand, Aquarius might find Virgo to be boring if they aren’t willing to open their minds to new ways of thinking.

“Despite their differences, these signs may cognitively appreciate one another,” says Newman, with the caveat: “They will not be particularly romantic.” Virgo and Aquarius are more logical than emotional, and committing to a relationship will often take time for the two. If neither sign can communicate honestly about the relationship, it won’t be able to move forward.

Virgo and Pisces compatibility

Pisces and Virgo are opposite zodiac signs, and in a relationship, they can balance each other out. Virgo can ground their Pisces partner and provide them with the love and attention they crave, while Pisces can help Virgo tune into their emotions. What’s more, they will match on an intellectual level as both enjoy exceptional conversation, Newman told Well+Good.

Generally, they have excellent rapport. If anything, Pisces tends to look at big-picture matters, while Virgo is one to give equal, if not more, importance to details. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, though, and it could work to their advantage if they work together. “When they combine their strengths, they balance each other out and as a result, they complement each other well,” says Newman.

Frequently asked questions

Who are Virgos attracted to?

Virgos are attracted to a partner who knows what they want. They often need stability and security from a partner to commit to a relationship, and with this in mind, they will appreciate an individual who shares—or understands—these same values.

Who is Virgo not compatible with?

Typically, Virgo is incompatible with air signs Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius, who may come off as fickle or flighty for Virgo, who values security and stability. Virgo, who is very particular about things, may also clash with fire signs Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius, who can also be passionate, and, at times, unyielding, in their approach to all aspects of life.

Beige flags might look like dating someone who seems to have thrown together their app profile without much thought, or staying in a relationship with someone who is, well, just fine. But, when you acknowledge beige flags in a relationship and choose to stay the course, are you settling? Here’s what experts have to say about beige flags in relationships, and the best course of action for when you see them.

Does having beige flags in a relationship always mean you’re settling?

To reiterate, beige flags aren’t necessarily a sign of a relationship being doomed or that there’s reason to brace yourself for bad news ahead. Unlike red (or even orange or yellow!) flags, beige flags more so function as “food for thought” about the person you’re dating as well as how the two of you relate. Beige flags can read as your sex life dying down, date nights coming to a halt, or partners simply not putting in the effort they used to.

But is this bland beige cast a bad thing, per se? Could it simply mean the honeymoon period is over? According to relationship and dating coach for folks over age 50 Nancy A. Shenker, it depends. “The definition of beige flags may vary based on age and life stage,” she says. “I was looking for very different qualities in a partner [when I was] in my twenties and thirties than what I’m seeking now [in my sixties]…I want to have the great travel and life adventures and experiences I wasn’t financially or practically able to have in my youth.”

“The definition of ‘beige flags’ may vary based on age and life stage. I was looking for very different qualities in a partner [when I was] in my twenties and thirties than what I’m seeking now.” —Nancy A. Shenker, dating coach

While in previous decades, wanting to settle down was a green flag for Shenker, the same quality now might be more beige. And in the scope of a relationship, that beige flag might well constitute settling for her. Essentially, a beige flag is anything that doesn’t excite you but isn’t net negative. So, while any red flag is something to take seriously, beige flags might best be regarded in terms of their quantity and importance. One beige flag might not be a relationship ruiner, but if there are dozens, perhaps that could point to an overarching theme of settling. The key for being able to read beige flags and deduce a plan for how to handle them is to introspect about the larger picture.

One person’s beige may be another’s green or red. To gauge what your beige flags are (and how much each matters), Shenker suggests asking yourself: “What kind of life do I want to live, and what type of person will enhance that life?”

What to do if you notice beige flags in your relationship

Identifying the beige flags is the first step in knowing how to handle them. But what happens when you can’t tell what color the flag is to begin with? Some people may read red as beige and green as red, depending on how they show up to and interpret their own interpersonal relationships.

“One of the most common issues my clients have is confusing what is a red flag versus a beige flag versus a green flag,” says Bonnie Winston, matchmaker and relationship expert. “So, as a result, they want to break up too soon with a good partner, or they stay too long with the wrong partner.”

But sometimes, people operate at different speeds. For instance, if one partner doesn’t say the words “I love you” when another partner is ready, the in-love partner may feel rejected, unloved, or uncared for; they might feel like it’s a beige flag. However, people fall in love at different speeds, and that’s okay. In this case, the beige flag of not being in love may turn green in time.

As another example, consider that folks have different values. Someone who has a sloppy style and never dresses up, even for a date, may come across as making no effort, which can land as a beige flag. But, clothing and style are adjustable; you can always buy new clothes or work with a stylist to transform that beige flag up to a green one.

Ultimately, effective communication is a key relationship green flag; in fact, it’s one that has the power to turn any beige flag green, in partnerships that have healthy potential. A relationship expert can help you parse these conversations. And if after talking through beige flags that seem to have the power to turn red, you realize you’re not on the same page with goals for the future, it might be time to reconsider the partnership now rather than later.

As you may already know, poor oral hygiene can lead to bacteria, which can lead to cavities. The problem comes when that bacteria is spread. “That bacteria can be passed on to someone else when there is an exchange of saliva, like when you’re passionately kissing your partner,” says Bill Dorfman, DDS, a celebrity cosmetic dentist.

Research backs this up: A study by the University of Louisville found that mothers with cavities transmitted oral bacteria to their babies after sharing spoons or trying to clean pacifiers with their mouths.

Those aren’t the only avenues for catching cavities, either. “Sharing drinks, utensils, straws, etc. are all ways to exchange bacteria via saliva, which can lead to cavities,” Dr. Dorfman adds. And, as we know, many illnesses can be spread through saliva, too, like colds, mono, cold sores, strep, and more.

This is important to note not only because cavities can lead to further problems (and are expensive to fix), but also because they can impact other aspects of your health, too. Sam Low, DDS, MS, a past president of the American Academy of Periodontology, previously told Well+Good that “the chronic inflammatory reactions that occur with gum disease parallel what you see in other major chronic inflammatory diseases, especially cardiovascular disease, diabetes, respiratory diseases, rheumatoid arthritis, recent data with Alzheimer’s.”

The good news: This doesn’t mean you can never kiss again if you or your partner is cavity-prone. Dr. Dorfman clarifies you’re not looking at an automatic cavity if your partner has one—just an increased chance. “Just because someone has a cavity, or is developing one, doesn’t mean you will get a cavity as well,” he says. “It continues to be dependent on the state of your oral hygiene.”

Safeguard your dental health so you don’t catch cavities

So, to protect your teeth and reduce your risk of cavities, Dr. Dorfman encourages maintaining your oral hygiene routine—brushing your teeth, flossing, using mouthwash, the works—so you’re less likely to have all of that bacteria (from your own mouth or your partner’s) wreaking havoc on your teeth. Plus, some foods like apple and cinnamon even have benefits for your gums and teeth, so load up on them as part of a healthy diet.

“Another safeguard is to rinse with alcohol-free mouthwash after a kissing session to ward off any bacteria that may have been introduced into your mouth,” Dr. Dorfman adds.

In case you’re wondering, the opposite isn’t true here: You can’t improve your own oral health by kissing someone who brushes/flosses/uses mouthwash regularly. At the same time, it doesn’t hurt. According to Dr. Dorfman, kissing that person means less harmful bacteria is spread overall, which counts for something!